Here’s a few things I’ve learned from making up jokes about the internet. Nick MacCombs, my good friend, is the spy amongst our midst. Once, he asked me to do a hit piece on his site. I did it, at his request! Those bastards pirates got TotallyFalse.info, but they forgot the famed quote by the great leader Topiary, “you cannot arrest an idea.”

All the while, Andrew Breitbart’s retweeting my dick off because he loves the hate. Shit, he even mentioned me. Ian Murphy is a bitch and so is th3j35t3r. At least th3j35t3r doesn’t feed trolls. Adrian Chen makes up his stories just like I do, and I’m a paranoid schizophrenic for thinking this is all funny. Barrett Brown runs the internet.

I’m so paranoid I quit my job! You know that’s all it took for me to to withdraw from society – a little bit of internet paranoia. Of course, I love to spend all day on the internet because I’ve crossed the line into another reality and there’s no coming back. I am a cyborg. A paranoid cyborg. I’m so paranoid from the internet and I use it non-stop.

You see, the paranoid schtick is something I don’t really apply to the internet. I’m just holding a mirror to the internet at large, you are the ones who are paranoid. I’m not paranoid! You’re paranoid!

No, I’ve never thought the internet’s been out to get me. The internet is my friend, and would never conspire against me. Sometimes I get on AnonOps IRC just to look at all the paranoia. The joke is always “u a fed?” “LOL YES.” But this is the joke of a paranoid. These people are paranoid. D0x are flying! Ryan Cleary’s snitchin’.

Paranoid, paranoid?

Yeh you paranoid?

This conspiracy goes to the highest level of Lebal Drocer.

Last week, Ian Murphy of the Buffalo Beast announced his publication has been banned from Facebook, so I decided to see how difficult it was to share a link to this important article with my friends on Facebook.

This moronic piece from Ian Murphy attempted to display all kinds of articulate and savvy points about rage comics, lolcats, and white supremacy memes, but instead illustrated how clueless Murphy really is. All it took for me to post a link to this “banned” article on Facebook was a simple URL shortener. Instead of an unfunny mixture of internet memes and pitiful moaning on the terrible social problem of Holocaust denial, Murphy could have just mentioned URL shorteners and made a supreme mockery of Facebook. Also, cocks.

If Murphy wanted to take it a step further, the Beast could have purchased another domain. Perhaps he could have used 4chan.com or elfwax.com. Censoring a web site run by a truly savvy team of engineers is completely impossible. However, the issue of censorship was employed only for the sake of an underhanded advertisement campaign. Murphy didn’t care about Facebook censorship. In fact, our sources within Anonymous have confirmed Murphy reported The Beast to Facebook for offensive content, as part of a larger conspiracy to drive his fans to Google+.

In May, The Beast sided with Google when unearthing a scheme by Facebook to pay off journalists. Google has a long history of raining gold all over Ian Murphy’s publication. Records obtained from hacked bitcoin nodes indicate Murphy received nearly 1,000 bitcoins on Monday afternoon, adding to the pile of evidence that he’s been payrolled by Google.

tl;dr: Buffalo Beast is a fail. Ian “Herp Derp” Murphy is a fail. Lolcats are dead, rage comics are dead. Old person is old and Buffalo Beast deserves b&.

UPDATE: Ian Murphy/Billy Walshe correspondence leaked to Pastebin!

Hello, I’m Andrew Breitbart and my mother abandoned me.

I was adopted by a liberal family of Jews and still have a chip on my shoulder. However, I have seen the light of homophobia and Tea Party Christianity.

I have more websites than Alex Jones. Like him, I know how to run this internet stuff. I own BigHollywood.com, BigGovernment.com, BigJournalism.com, and BigPeace.com. I hate things that are big. That’s why I destroyed Anthony Weiner and Shirley Sherrod.

By publishing Anthony Weiner’s big cock all over the internet, I forced him to resign. Us Tea Party patriots hate big cocks, and it’s really Weiner’s fault for not keeping that shit secret. My next web site will be BigCocks.com, which I will dedicate to pictures of liberals with big cocks.

I took down Shirley Sherrod because she had such a big mouth. You see, I understand that Shirley Sherrod isn’t a bad person, and she only meant to teach and not offend. She presented an example of her own racism as regrettable behavior. She’s got such a big mouth, and that’s worse than actually being racist.

Now this guy on Twitter, @ShadowMindGear, keeps trolling me. I don’t know how he does it, but every single time he mentions me I am literally forced to retweet what he says. It’s like he’s got some kind of magical power over my Twitter account and I don’t like it. It looks like he’s a part of Anonymous or something, I don’t know. Maybe I should start a web site called BigInternet.com to get rid of these trolls from Anonymous.