Category: Editorial

It means ‘opinion,’ dumbass.

Categories
Editorial

Salmonboy Speaks

I’m sick of you Anonymous, and you’re sick of me too. I loved all the flame wars, the troll battles, and the massively inflated web traffic. My favorite part was when we started accusing each other of being organized by the government.

I’m going to engage in plain-talk, for those who don’t understand my shitty brand of paranoid satire. This is the real discourse you wanted me to engage in but no longer care to hear. This is the age of transparency, though, amirite?

You’re getting cult-like. This is why I play the voice of dissent. Not because I hate what you do. I hate your motto and your symbols. The Guy Fawkes masks are a uniform. The word “we” that begins each line in your motto admits you are a group. The threat, “expect us,” is addressed to all enemies of your group.

But go ahead, you can have it all. You won’t hurt me, the way you keep threatening everybody. You won’t hurt me by wearing the mask of a violent revolutionary. You’re at least mostly non-violent, right?

One may not own knowledge.

One owns only one’s self.

Time bares all lies.

Time teaches all lessons.

Technology applied, saves time.

~Salmonboy

Categories
Hate

A million people refuse to pump gas on April 15th

…And the other 310 million people don’t even care, because boycotting gasoline for a single day is like trying not to take a shit for a day. You’ll just do it tomorrow.

“But, by boycotting gas on April 15th, we’re sending the big oil companies a message!”

Demand isn’t affected if you still use the same amount of gas as usual. Through what warped version of reality is that even considered a boycott? Sure, if any group of people refused to use gasoline for a day, that would reduce demand, because they’ve reduced their consumption habits. But simply changing the timing of your purchase is not a boycott at all.

The faux-boycott’s only logical source is the oil companies themselves. This April 15th “boycott” was set up as a publicity trick by oil companies. It is well known that when the weather turns nicer, demand for gas goes down. People can ride their bikes to work and enjoy it. On top of that, people who do drive are getting better mileage because they aren’t using heat or air conditioning. Right now, oil prices have reached a peak. The faux-boycott gives the people who are angriest about the high prices an outlet to vent their frustrations and feel self-righteous without hurting the oil companies. When the prices inevitably fall, the people who participated in the “boycott” will feel justified, as if it was actually their own actions that caused the fall in price.

The oil companies are rich enough to afford social engineers that keep the human herd content with their prices. This faux-boycott has been employed many times and will probably resurface many more. In fact, even Anonymous is trig enough to use it on Sony. Since attacking PSN causes Anonymous to lose all support, they’ve turned to the same strategy of the oil companies. Hilariously, their “boycott” of Sony will occur on April 16th, the day after the biggest gas “boycott” in history. Since no one really cares about Sony, only a few thousand people are participating in this secondary faux-boycott.

Categories
Hate

Anonymous, you are my very personal army

Two weeks ago, I published my own “dox” on pastebin. Every time I make a comment or post an article, someone links to these “dox.” It gets funnier every time. Someone out there must think the “dox” are so embarrassing and discrediting. Well, the joke’s on you, Anonymous. You’re doing exactly what I want you to. You’re my personal army.

The e-mail is real, and I want the whole world to see it. The OKCupid is real too, but I dressed it up just for you before I posted it. Gave it the embarrassing feel of a real “doxing.” Everyone fell for it, too.

Thing is, some hacker publishing just one of my e-mails doesn’t make any sense at all. Anons really must not care to be analytical about anything and this is proof. Anyone who looked at the “dox” with even the slightest amount of critical thought would have seen instantly that it could have been posted by only one person. That’s me!

I really don’t give a shit what you think about my personal life. I couldn’t care less. You have no context to judge, and your childish name-calling has never once bothered me. Once again, you’ve done exactly what I wanted. I made Anonymous rabidly publicize a personal letter because the girl I wrote it to was a complete bitch to me. Now the whole world knows my side of the story, and it is all thanks to you.

Congratulations, Anonymous! You are my very personal army! Send me pizzas, I’m hungry. Send me strippers, I’m lonely. Give me a prank call, I want to hear from you. Send me boxes, I know who could use them. Hack my computer to pieces and find out how great I am. Deface this very article, it is backed up where you can never touch it. DDoS the Chronicle for as long as you want and give us more publicity. These are all things I want!

Whoever holds the keys to hate holds the keys to Anonymous, for it is all Anon knows. I am trollface, watch me grin. When will you find a way to take the lulz from me? Never, for I am your king!