CUTHBERT, Georgia – Lebal Drocer, Inc. spokesman Raleigh T. Sakers, who once said he has grown weary of “Obama’s Left,” plans to tackle the liberal agenda he says is hidden in children’s programming.
“It’s an ideology that is undermining not only the United States, but is dragging down the entire My Little Pony universe as well,” Sakers said. “There’s a belief in Equestria that friendship trumps everything. They are in for a rude awakening.”
The book’s author is known only as Seqina on Twitter, or Seqi, for short. Seqi is a self-described conservative American brony, and a brony is a person who self-identifies as an imaginary horse living among the main characters from the children’s hit TV show My Little Pony.
While there is still no news on what the book is actually about, Seqi said he hopes to enmesh the libertarian philosophy of Ayn Rand with Pinkie Pie’s messages of tolerance. Pinkie Pie – being a sexually charged reference to female genitalia – is one of the main ponies representing personal freedom in the series, and benefits from small de-centralized government.
More information can be found on Seqi’s OKCupid account below.
Civil rights activist Jenny McCarthy is often credited as bringing vaccine opposition to the forefront of pointless shit for Americans to oppose.
Since actress and civil rights pioneer Jenny McCarthy exposed the truth about vaccines – specifically, that they are a way for the government to keep a grip on people by poisoning their minds with mercury – the question of whether to vaccinate our children has become a hot-button issue among celebrities and politicians alike.
To highlight the issue, the Internet Chronicle has compiled a star-studded A-list of 10 high-profile celebrities who, for various reasons, never vaccinate. Today’s story is a veritable “who’s who” of vaccine resistance. Can you guess which famous actor’s child died of measles?
Rand Paul
Senator Paul leads the fight against big government through his own personal resistance to vaccinations: From measles to typhoid, Paul hates it all. In an act of true American heroism, he even enlisted his own family in the fight against vaccines by refusing to vaccinate. Neither William, Robert, nor Duncan were ever vaccinated. Instead, Paul explained, they simply limit contact with wretched, diseased people. “I have heard of many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines,” Paul said in an interview with NBC. Anti-vaccination started with Ron, the Paul family patriarch. “I would never let the federal government squirt that hate-juice into my boys,” Ron Paul once said.
Alex Jones (until recently)
Until sometime last week, Alex Jones refused to vaccinate his children, as well as any forced act of globalist aggression extending from the wicked devil in charge of the United States, President Barack Hussein Obama. Jones brags on his daily radio program about not having his children vaccinated. He said, “Yeah, they got measles – a few red dots – big deal.” Jones himself is now technically vaccinated after a fanatic attacked him on the street with a hypodermic needle. Family physicians confirmed Jones was vaccinated against a rare feline influenza known as ‘cat flu.’
Macaulay Culkin
The child star who took America by storm in his debut 1990 film Home Alone is rumored to abuse narcotics and other hard drugs – including heroin, cocaine and ecstasy – but out of everything which might be injected into the skin, vaccines aren’t one of them. Culkin, although he has no children of his own, is an outspoken anti-vaccine activist. Celebrity physician Dr. Angstromn H. Troubedauer confirmed Culkin has probably never been vaccinated, which at least partially explains the genius talent behind his mysterious pizza-centered art movement.
Edward R. Murrow
Perhaps the most legendary radio newsman to have ever lived, Edward R. Murrow took under his wing a dozen or more famous journalists – known as Murrow’s Boys – a group that included Larry LeSueur, Bill Downs and Walter Cronkite. Murrow was born during a time when vaccines were new and different, not long after the God manifested US destiny and a group of patriots delivered the savage native to Him early.
“Everyone was doing it,” Murrow said of vaccines. Murrow, who was born addicted to nicotine and smoked instead of breastfeeding, used his patented, husky radio voice to personally decline his own vaccination.
“I said, ‘Thanks, but no thanks, sugartits,’ and I told her if she’d leave me be now, that in 20 years I might fold her over a card table and give her the business right there on the spot,” Murrow said. “And that’s exactly what I did. During the Second World War, I was embedded with a group of marines who liberated a concentration camp in Dachau. The room stank of body odor and piss. You could tell the people were too weak to even go to a latrine and so there they lay in their own filth and squalor. And I came upon a woman, and she said, ‘I know you,’ and I said ‘I know you, too.’ I recognized her as the nurse who delivered me and tried to vaccinate me years later. So I said, ‘I believe I have a promise to keep,’ and I did her right there on the spot, in front of everybody.”
Bob Uecker
Bob Uecker, the 90-year-old legendary sports commentator, said he will “never fucking vaccinate” by “putting some bullshit in” his veins, though he respects other people’s choices to vaccinate, “the stupid cocksuckers that they are.”
Uecker, after granting a short interview to the chronicle.su, had this to say:
“No, I think it’s a fantastic, wonderful thing. It’s a real scientific achievement and we should be proud of ourselves, as a race.”
…for being a bunch of pussies, that is.
“If you’re going to run an operation as large as ours, then you’ve got to go big. You’ve got to go national. Mandatory vaccinations are great. They’re necessary.”
…and maybe bring back forced sterilization of the blacks while we’re at it.
“And that’s really what I think.”
…now if only there was a shot to cure faggotry, we could use it on you.
The Jackson 5
The humble and beloved Jackson 5 were never vaccinated, and all went on to have illustrious careers. For decades, fans adored each member of the Jackson 5, among them Michael Jackson, the King of Pop. Their manipulative, passive-aggressive, openly abusive father? You guessed it: Vaccinated. Notice a pattern?
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Eyewitness reports from Afghanistan suggest a tall, pale white figure is taking advantage of vulnerable youth.
KABUL, Afghanistan — Strange new reports from American intelligence officials in Afghanistan suggest the sudden appearance of an unlikely face among the turmoil. Legendary pop star and homosexual pedophile Michael Jackson, who is widely believed to have died from a heart attack at his Los Angeles home in 2009, was reportedly spotted in and around several small villages under control by emerging factions of the Islamic State, or ISIS.
ISIS, who recently suffered losses with the collapse of oil prices, have turned to human trafficking as a means of income, pulling in a remarkable $520 million in 2014. Among their customers are major governmental figureheads, from British MPs to American diplomats, and even celebrities. Classified intelligence reports suggest the appearance at “human trade shows” of a tall, pale white man who never speaks.
An anonymous source inside the CIA told the Internet Chronicle he has firsthand evidence Jackson is taking advantage of the fog of war throughout several despotic gaps in the Kandahar region of Afghanistan, one of the deadliest and most easily exploited provinces in the Middle East.
Experts predict that after five years without medical care, Jackson’s plastic surgery has likely suffered gross deterioration. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, of the Los Angeles School of Cosmetic Surgery and Design, said he believes there is a good chance Jackson’s sandblasted face has taken on a new, unknown form.
“His face could appear weathered, pock-marked and cratered,” Troubadour said, “He probably has changed so much he is no longer recognizable, which would give him a staggering advantage over his prey.”
Conspiracy theories already emerging suggest Jackson, compelled by an insatiable lust for child sex, faked his own death and even allowed his personal doctor to face jailtime, to go onto a permanent sex vacation, walking the earth until he “ascends to take his throne in the great big Neverland Ranch in the sky.”
CUTHBERT, Georgia – Lebal Drocer, Inc. spokesman Raleigh T. Sakers, who once said he has grown weary of “Obama’s Left,” plans to tackle the liberal agenda he says is hidden in children’s programming.
