Category: Entertainment

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Entertainment Obituaries Trolling

Adam Yauch “murdered” by Illuminati

We killed him

Are you actually googling this right now? I mean seriously, every single fucking time some celebrity dies there’s a surge of you crazy fucking conspiracy theorists trying to fit the event into your “absurd” world view. Well, you know what? You were fucking right to think the Illuminati killed Adam Yauch because we’re killing EVERY celebrity off slowly. Yes, we control every fucking thing you see on television and the Internet as well.

If you want to know what the Illuminati is up to, hell, come to the Internet Chronicle. We’ll give you the straight dope, right from the highest levels. Bookmark this page now if you want to know who’s gonna die next. Will it be Rachel Ray? Or will it be George Clooney? Hey, we’re all going to die some day. That is, of course, unless we all pray to Inglip and cross over to PostHumanity. That’s right, the first “real” PostHuman is actually Tupac. We copied his consciousness into a secret computer system back in the early 90’s and you saw him take the stage at Coachella. This ain’t no joke. No sir.

Oh, we’re in control of the Google now. Anything we want to say will bubble right to the top because we know how to “pull the strings” at the very highest levels of their organization. We ARE the very highest levels of their organization. See, people like you, investigating us at the Illuminati, we’re on to you. We don’t give a fuck anymore and the Internet Chronicle is just here to rub it in your face. We own your world. Get used to it.

 

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Entertainment Trolling

“Russian” Skywalking trend turns deadly

This ain't Cloud City, Luke.

Wednsday night, five teenagers fell to their death in the Chernobyl exclusion zone while attempting to take “Skywalking” photographs. A sudden gust of wind swept them off their incredibly unstable perches and all the teens died without even getting their 15 femtoseconds of precious Internet fame.

A quickly growing “Mothers Against Skywalking” group has formed on Facebook, demanding that “Skywalking” be outlawed. Police have stepped up patrols around popular Skywalking locations, arresting teenagers just for loitering nearby.

The recent “extreme planking” meme continues to produce fatalities, and the rise in “Skywalking” popularity will only mean more meme-deaths. Parents are advised to educate their children about the pointlessness of internet fame.

Areas strongly affected by radiation have seen a surge in erratic and self-destructive internet attention-seeking behavior, as reported last year in the wake of the Fukushima disaster.

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Entertainment Special Interest

Tupac’s Hologram set for world tour in 2013

The hologram of a hero

Miss out on Tupac’s Hologram at Coachella? You’re not alone. However, concert promoters have already begun planning a world tour, so Tupac’s hologram might be coming to a town near you as soon as the spring of 2013. Not only that, but multiple Tupac Holograms will be touring different regions of the world at the same time. At least four hologram machines have been purchased, and hip-hop computer scientists are working day and night to produce an updated show featuring the visage of Tupac.

Freed of the vacillating and costly demands of egotistical superstars, the economic benefits of a hologram show are very clear. Concert promoters stand to make many billions shipping around hologram machines which are actually much less expensive than the superstars themselves. This has even peaked the interest of living musicians, who find the grueling task of nightly public appearances wearisome and taxing on their creativity. Some conspiracist groupies have even suggested that Jack White of the White Stripes has in fact already used a hologram machine for his repetitive and machine-like shows.

Critics believe that most fans will be put off by the artificial and repetitive shows,  but experts point out that this is exactly what fans want. Like television, hologram shows will be comfortably predictable, featuring a string of reanimated heroes who have achieved a larger status in death. HoloEntertainment Executive Simon Ersatz said, “We’ve already purchased the rights to Elvis, Kurt Cobain, Biggie, Johnny Cash, Hendrix, and young Bob Dylan. Tupac is just the beginning.”