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MISSING PERSON: New subreddit Gupptracker aids in manhunt

INTERNET—A new subreddit dedicated to the disappearance of Gupp from Twitter is one of the fastest-growing pages on the website, with almost 250,000 members in two days.

  • Elon purchased Twitter
  • Twitter feels weird now
  • Gupp left, promising to return once Muskolini is finished “marking his territory”
  • Musk bans journalists, faces punishment from Berlin

Gupp is still missing.

In the wake of Elon Musk banning a Twitter account tracking the location of his jet, along with the journalists who followed the story, a Reddit page dedicated to finding beloved Twitter user Gupp became the fastest-growing subreddit on Saturday, according to the website Gupp Stats. The page, /r/Gupp, has amassed more than a quarter million members in less than 48 hours.

Gupp, who is neither a journalist nor well-known, is respected for his irreverent posts, goofing off, and inspirational world-dominating bro-ups. Until such time as Gupp’s body can be located, fans mourn the loss of one of Twitter’s hottest, young, upcoming stars.

Gupp has been missing for more than one month.

Sissy Nay-Nay, 54, has gone to church with Gupp for six years, and says she misses him dearly.

“We miss our boy,” she said. “Gupp didn’t hurt nobody. Gupp never got involved in no bad stuff. We just want him back.”

Gupptracker works by checking Gupp’s favorite locations online, including Discord, archive.org, and back to Twitter again, like a confused animal.

“We don’t actually know how it works,” said Anonymous. “We outsourced the programming to someone who works for TikTok, and he has us doing fun dances in exchange for information about our missing friend.”

Origins

Gupp was the most prolific renaissance man to ever pass through Twitter.

It is unclear where Gupp came from, but one day he just showed up, saying shit like “That’s gupped up.”

Now he is missing, and presumed dead. But there is still hope, according to reddit moderator PussyCunt711214764.

“Maybe Gupp doesn’t want to be found,” they wrote online. “Maybe the real Gupp is the friends we made along the way.”

Users responded, acting as a decentralized, singular entity.

“Upvoting this for visibility,” one user wrote.

Another chimed in: “9,000 internets to the person who happens upon Gupp’s shallow grave!”

“Sharpening my pitchfork” — Top comment, funny and original.

The one voice missing from this conversation? You guessed it: Gupp.

baby, pls cum home

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2018 Scholastic Book Tour exposes young minds to ‘new worlds’ of shit they don’t care about

ROANOKE, VA — For children, reading or being read to during the summer months is a great way to keep their language skills sharp while out of school and to prevent the dreaded ‘Summer Slide’ into the same ignorance, apathy and mediocrity that is characteristic of the adults in charge.

In an effort to combat summertime ignorance, Lebal Drocer Indoctrination held a Scholastic Book Fair at Green Valley Elementary, where good Christian white children are known to go to school. The fair, held across various cities over the weekend, introduced children to new books for the modern kid, including such titles as Cayden’s Internet Daddy, The Bitcoin That Could, and strategy guides for livestream mumble rapping.

A six-year-old boy named Austin left with a plastic bag full of books and magazines (which is going straight into the ocean).

“We got to read about Derrick’s Two Mommies,” Austin said. “I got to the end and it was nice to see everybody getting along. But I am six. And I could not give a shit about somebody else’s lesbian parents.”

James, a seventh grader from New Bern, North Carolina, said he had already checked out every book in the library pertaining to his interests in UFOs and tales of space genocide, when he finally picked up a title he’d been avoiding all year: Judy Blume’s coming-of-age classic, Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.

“On the cover it was some girl praying next to her bed, which – I don’t know – that looks and sounds like boring religious crap to me. All the adults acted like the book is a really big deal though, so I checked it out. It didn’t take long for me to return it. Actually I still don’t know what it was about. All I remember is it was really, really boring.”

James said that although Margaret’s strife felt alien and otherworldly in itself, he appreciated Blume’s insistence on dramatizing the long-winded, bland non-events of his peers, and got interested in other stories about chicks having periods.

“At the book fair I got a book that says Native American women – the rightful owners of this land – would go chill out in a hut during their periods. This was sacred time. Again, very boring, but this could be my new fetish. Who knows? I’m 12.”

The Lebal Drocer Scholastic Book Fair concluded around 4 a.m. Monday, with a ceremonial book burning, accompanied by a reading from Glenn Beck’s critically-acclaimed barnburner, The Overton Window.

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Man endangers himself and society after contacting inner child

Bystanders say before turning the gun on himself, Tommy fired five shots into the air, screaming, “It’s gonna be a long night.”

Roanoke, Va. — Roanoke County Deputies say they beat a man back with sticks into a cage Wednesday, after he made first contact with the monster living inside him.

“He said he spoke to his inner child,” Sheriff’s Deputy Mark Rogers told Chronicle. “That’s when I was gave the order ‘shoot to kill.’ But I said to myself, ‘No, this man’s white. There’s got to be a better way.”

First responders said the man had a “glazed, wild look in his eyes” as he was preparing to kill himself near a group of girl scouts selling cookies at the Brambleton Avenue Kroger.

“He seen who he really was,” said Dr. Armasten Troubadour, of Health Insurance Memorial Hospital. “And he just seen red.”

Authorities say Tommy Jo, a 38-year-old security camera repairman, scribbled this suicide note moments before turning the gun on himself:

You’re gonna suffer.

You’re gonna bleed.

I’m gonna scream.

I’m gonna feed.

 

Don’t call the doctor.

Don’t call no priest.

I’m the devil.

I’m disease.

Friends describe Tommy as unhinged. Some friends, eh Tommy?

Tommy is being held without bond at the Roanoke County Courthouse, where he is getting a good night’s rest, and learning to love himself again.