2018 Scholastic Book Tour exposes young minds to ‘new worlds’ of shit they don’t care about

ROANOKE, VA — For children, reading or being read to during the summer months is a great way to keep their language skills sharp while out of school and to prevent the dreaded ‘Summer Slide’ into the same ignorance, apathy and mediocrity that is characteristic of the adults in charge. In an effort to combat […]

Man endangers himself and society after contacting inner child

Roanoke, Va. — Roanoke County Deputies say they beat a man back with sticks into a cage Wednesday, after he made first contact with the monster living inside him. “He said he spoke to his inner child,” Sheriff’s Deputy Mark Rogers told Chronicle. “That’s when I was gave the order ‘shoot to kill.’ But I […]

VICE: We attended a New York May Day demonstration, got bored and left early

A couple days ago I visited Union Square during the opening remarks of the Democratic Socialists of America. It was boring, and I did not stay for the 5 o’clock march to City Hall. Kilgoar and I anticipated seeing Twitter personalities there, but they were all reportedly wearing masks, so I could not identify or […]