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Four dead, one critical after family sedan crashes into false tunnel painted on canyon wall

Coyote prime suspect

SALT LAKE CITY—A car has been smashed to pieces in a fiery crash that left a Yosemite family dead, and one critically injured.

While on vacation in the Great Basin Desert on Friday, a family of four crashed into a false tunnel, a mural painted on the side of a cliff face made to resemble the continuation of a two-lane blacktop like the family was already driving on.

Unlike his wife and daughter, the driver of the car did not die immediately upon impact. EMT Matt Lawson said he told them his name was Sam, before succumbing to death.

“When we arrived on the scene he was still looking around in shock, blood in his mustache, not his blood,” Lawson said. “That was when Sam saw his family, dead and dying in the car. He then lay back in the driver’s seat, holding fresh white roses to his chest, as X’s formed over his eyes, and he was gone.”

Chief Deputy Chad Marsden said the scene was too gruesome to describe, choosing instead to highlight the bravery of one sole survivor.

“We pulled the boy out of the car,” Marsden said. “The only survivor. He come slinking out of the vehicle shaped like an accordion. Played music as he waddled over to paramedics.”

Tragically, after being loaded into an ambulance, they too encountered a false tunnel, this time painted into a tree. There were no survivors.

According to deputies the suspect made no effort to cover his tracks. Detectives say both scenes were littered with black and white paint cans, all labeled ACME. Investigators working at the crash site say it is not the first time they have encountered materials or supplies from that company used in senseless acts of violence.

“These antics have got to stop,” Marsden said. “The perpetrator of these zany, over-the-top, hilarious acts of senseless violence must be brought to justice.”

Authorities are looking for a coyote who was seen in the area on the same day.

“It is very unusual for a coyote to be out in the daytime, by his self,” Marsden said. “If you see this coyote, do not engage as he is considered to be armed and dangerous with giant powerful magnets and cheap weapons, which are prone to backfire. Instead, please report any sightings to 911.”

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MISSING PERSON: New subreddit Gupptracker aids in manhunt

INTERNET—A new subreddit dedicated to the disappearance of Gupp from Twitter is one of the fastest-growing pages on the website, with almost 250,000 members in two days.

  • Elon purchased Twitter
  • Twitter feels weird now
  • Gupp left, promising to return once Muskolini is finished “marking his territory”
  • Musk bans journalists, faces punishment from Berlin

Gupp is still missing.

In the wake of Elon Musk banning a Twitter account tracking the location of his jet, along with the journalists who followed the story, a Reddit page dedicated to finding beloved Twitter user Gupp became the fastest-growing subreddit on Saturday, according to the website Gupp Stats. The page, /r/Gupp, has amassed more than a quarter million members in less than 48 hours.

Gupp, who is neither a journalist nor well-known, is respected for his irreverent posts, goofing off, and inspirational world-dominating bro-ups. Until such time as Gupp’s body can be located, fans mourn the loss of one of Twitter’s hottest, young, upcoming stars.

Gupp has been missing for more than one month.

Sissy Nay-Nay, 54, has gone to church with Gupp for six years, and says she misses him dearly.

“We miss our boy,” she said. “Gupp didn’t hurt nobody. Gupp never got involved in no bad stuff. We just want him back.”

Gupptracker works by checking Gupp’s favorite locations online, including Discord,, and back to Twitter again, like a confused animal.

“We don’t actually know how it works,” said Anonymous. “We outsourced the programming to someone who works for TikTok, and he has us doing fun dances in exchange for information about our missing friend.”


Gupp was the most prolific renaissance man to ever pass through Twitter.

It is unclear where Gupp came from, but one day he just showed up, saying shit like “That’s gupped up.”

Now he is missing, and presumed dead. But there is still hope, according to reddit moderator PussyCunt711214764.

“Maybe Gupp doesn’t want to be found,” they wrote online. “Maybe the real Gupp is the friends we made along the way.”

Users responded, acting as a decentralized, singular entity.

“Upvoting this for visibility,” one user wrote.

Another chimed in: “9,000 internets to the person who happens upon Gupp’s shallow grave!”

“Sharpening my pitchfork” — Top comment, funny and original.

The one voice missing from this conversation? You guessed it: Gupp.

baby, pls cum home

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2018 Scholastic Book Tour exposes young minds to ‘new worlds’ of shit they don’t care about

ROANOKE, VA — For children, reading or being read to during the summer months is a great way to keep their language skills sharp while out of school and to prevent the dreaded ‘Summer Slide’ into the same ignorance, apathy and mediocrity that is characteristic of the adults in charge.

In an effort to combat summertime ignorance, Lebal Drocer Indoctrination held a Scholastic Book Fair at Green Valley Elementary, where good Christian white children are known to go to school. The fair, held across various cities over the weekend, introduced children to new books for the modern kid, including such titles as Cayden’s Internet Daddy, The Bitcoin That Could, and strategy guides for livestream mumble rapping.

A six-year-old boy named Austin left with a plastic bag full of books and magazines (which is going straight into the ocean).

“We got to read about Derrick’s Two Mommies,” Austin said. “I got to the end and it was nice to see everybody getting along. But I am six. And I could not give a shit about somebody else’s lesbian parents.”

James, a seventh grader from New Bern, North Carolina, said he had already checked out every book in the library pertaining to his interests in UFOs and tales of space genocide, when he finally picked up a title he’d been avoiding all year: Judy Blume’s coming-of-age classic, Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.

“On the cover it was some girl praying next to her bed, which – I don’t know – that looks and sounds like boring religious crap to me. All the adults acted like the book is a really big deal though, so I checked it out. It didn’t take long for me to return it. Actually I still don’t know what it was about. All I remember is it was really, really boring.”

James said that although Margaret’s strife felt alien and otherworldly in itself, he appreciated Blume’s insistence on dramatizing the long-winded, bland non-events of his peers, and got interested in other stories about chicks having periods.

“At the book fair I got a book that says Native American women – the rightful owners of this land – would go chill out in a hut during their periods. This was sacred time. Again, very boring, but this could be my new fetish. Who knows? I’m 12.”

The Lebal Drocer Scholastic Book Fair concluded around 4 a.m. Monday, with a ceremonial book burning, accompanied by a reading from Glenn Beck’s critically-acclaimed barnburner, The Overton Window.