Category: News

INTERNET — New Zealanders gawked as a blinding flash and sonic booms rocked the airspace above the island nation. Meteorite expert Joel Schliff said the object was “almost certainly extra terrestrial,” leading many to speculate why the past half-century has seen such a rapid increase in visits from alien craft, starting with Roswell.

Ancient Alien theorist Giorgio Tsoukalos explained, “We know that the aliens were instrumental in the rise of all human civilizations. Their unmistakable imprint is ubiquitous in archaeology, history, art, and mythology, but we don’t know why.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of MIT’s astrobiology lab said, “If human civilization was in any way altered or engineered by an alien civilization then we can deduce that its major effects on the biosphere are desirable to the aliens. It would follow that if we see an increase in alien monitoring activities, that’s a clue that somehow this long project is coming to a head, that the Earth is nearly ripe for alien habitation. Isn’t it funny that de-terraforming Earth amounts to humanity’s greatest engineering feat, even though it is largely considered an accident? Surely nuclear detonations immediately triggered increased alien monitoring since a total transition to carbon-free nuclear energy is possible. But for some reason, humanity continues to fill the atmosphere with gases toxic to terrestrial life and more suitable for most alien species. Very strange indeed.”

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Muslims gathered in cities around America carrying banners that said, “Je Suis Charlie,” after Craig Lee Hicks shot three Muslims in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, allegedly over an ongoing parking row that erupted into a deadly dispute over satire.

According to protesters, they have adopted the “Je Suis Charlie” slogan because they believe the three dead Muslims were aggressively “satirizing” Hicks for Islamophobia before he resorted to a murderous hate crime.

The victims were shot in the head, execution style, reportedly while delivering crude but incisive remarks directed at Hicks. Reportedly, Barakat jokingly told Hicks, moments before his execution, “If you shoot me down I’ll become more powerful than you can imagine — over 72 virgins.” Despite the satiric intent, this comment is said to have been taken seriously by Hicks, who then flew into a murderous rage as the Muslim students laughed in his face.

Hicks turned himself in to a local police department without incident, smiling when he told officers, “I have taken care of the local ISIS sleeper cell.”

INTERNET — Jon Stewart announced he’d be stepping down from the Daily Show to pursue a political career. Tuesday night, Stewart told reporters, “I’m announcing my candidacy for president in the 2016 election, and I’ll be running with the support of the Colbert PAC.”

Stewart added, “I’m disappointed in Obama. I had hope and rallied for sanity, but ultimately I was let down. I think a lot of people were let down. Obama’s gone after whistleblowers and escalated foreign wars, and he hasn’t done anything about police brutality targeting blacks. Now, we’re on the brink of an all-out nuclear war in the Ukraine and it’s time for someone outside of Washington, someone sane, someone who doesn’t think it’s all about growing our economy, but cares about human lives. I think I can at least do that much.”

Other frontrunners for the presidential election include Mitt Romney and Hilary Clinton. Clinton responded to Stewart’s announcement with a shrill laugh, saying, “Hah! That comic from pot movies? C’mon, give me a break. Herman Caine’s more of a serious contender than Stewart.” However, comics such as Al Franken have had lasting careers and served in some of the most prestigious offices in US government. Stewart’s fame and popularity with American audiences may be the boost he needs, as campaign spending is set to balloon into the billions in the 2016 election cycle.