Category: News

INTERNET — The Internet’s 13 most talented and Christlike figures, as selected from billions of Twitter users through an algorithm cribbed straight out of the bible, will appear Friday on NBC’s Jesus Christ Megastar to compete for status as the icon and messiah of the world’s first algorithmically-derived branch of Christianity, Christ’s Children’s Church (CCC). By hoovering up social media data, digital sociologists at CCC have engineered what they believe will be the most robust marketing campaign of all time. Thousands of used supercomputers from the 90’s have been trained to optimize a belief structure so appealing they hope it will gain converts at a record breaking rate. Interestingly, the interpretation of the bible the algorithm has developed requires their church to be the fulfillment of the second coming of Christ.

Many Christians have derided CCC for its heretical doctrine, and Pope Francis told reporters, “It’s a sleek marketing campaign and a gimmick, not any form of Christianity recognized by any other branch of Christianity as remotely Christian in its teachings. I know it to be the Anti-Christ, the development of all the world’s evil into a single power, a great deceiver.”

At the end of each episode of Jesus Christ Megastar, the contestants will kneel before a tremendous stack of outdated supercomputers and the Judas-like figure that hosts and narrates the show will “betray” one of the disciples. Disciples who show unconscious malice in their behavior on screen will be eliminated one by one until the most benevolent Christ is chosen.

Ukraine — Ukrainian government officials confirmed a nuclear blast was detected in Ukraine Sunday. No other news is coming out of the area.

Three videos just uploaded show the small nuclear blast below. Nothing more is known at this time, including who launched the weapon or against which target.

The materials appear to have originated from the war-torn region of Ukraine, where separatists are attempting to return control of the former Soviet nation to Russia.

The attack comes after Britain’s defense minister voiced concerns Russia may have “lowered the threshold” for using nuclear weapons.

In their criticisms, Britain warned Russia’s nuclear strategy was being integrated with conventional forces in “a rather threatening way.”

Russia’s new military doctrine reserves the right to use nuclear weapons in a conventional attack that endangers the state’s existence, but some in the military were reportedly calling for a “first strike option.”

http://youtu.be/ZuQ5EPnSE_4

VACCINATION — Pro-freedom activist and parenting expert Jenny McCarthy fell sick Friday from an acute infection of Measles and died suddenly in her Hollywood apartment at age 42, refusing all medical care. McCarthy told family members, “I’d rather die than be jabbed with that autism juice,” just hours before the Measles infection spread to her brain and caused fatal encephalitis.

McCarthy and other “Anti-vaxxers” blame the heavy metals used in vaccinations for autism, a disease which affects billions around the globe, including Vladimir Putin, who suffers from a mild form of autism known as Asperger’s that was brought on by a Measles vaccination. The few non-autistic families who choose to avoid vaccinations are some of the very last humans to maintain a natural relationship with their bodies and the earth, and see the disease as a rite of passage to a life of freedom and struggle towards glory. Hacker and actual neo-Nazi Andrew Aurnheimer, also known as weev, told reporters, “Almost nobody dies from measles, but when you survive you’re increasing your capability to survive and accelerating evolution. Vaccines and other unnatural meddling with freedom is part of the Jewish agenda to degenerate The West and undo evolution so that communist China will become supreme ruler of the world.”