Molly Crabapple died in her apartment late Sunday night, apparently from extreme exhaustion
NEW YORK – Fans mourn the loss of artist Molly Crabapple, born Jennifer Caban, who was found dead in her Wall Street apartment Monday morning next to an emptied bottle of Balvenie whisky. Over the past year, Crabapple increasingly tweeted about overworking herself and even wrote an editorial suggesting that her puritan work ethic was the key to success for any artist.
Crabapple’s art and writing were quickly sought out and employed by Murdoch-owned Vice magazine, CNN, and Fox News after her high profile arrest at Occupy Wall Street propelled her fanciful, sexy reportage of the protest movement to an international stage. Among the vanguard of American activists, Crabapple’s name has become synonymous with selling out and shilling for the man, but her work has converted thousands of apathetic horny goth teen boys into more progressive thinking goths.
Crabapple Incorporated and its yearly profits estimated in excess of $10 million have been handed over to the Caban family to disburse as they see fit.
EXCLUSIVE! Chronicle.su is the only publication cleared to run this cartoon in the entire Soviet Union!
New analysis indicates US intelligence agencies facilitated the shooting at the Charlie Hebdo office in Paris last week that killed 12 people including an editor of the paper and two heroic police officers. According to foreign policy analyst and terror scholar Alexei Martynov, US and Israeli co-conspirators launched the attack to destabilize European solidarity and inflame Islamic xenophobia in their Western allies.
Turkey’s Prime Minister echoed Russian accusations that the US organized the attack with Israel. Israel, he said, was happy to go along with the plan because Charlie Hebdo attacked Judaism as well, an article for which a French satirist was fired and denied “rights” to free expression.
“They are constantly propping up their Zionist hatefriends,” the PM said. “They are jealous of our freedom and they hate our way of life, so long as it is not spent in Israel’s servitude.”
Fresh faces who, prior to the Jan. 7 attack had never heard of Charlie Hebdo, now tag Facebook and Twitter posts with #JeSuisCharlie – a transparent show of support for the sanctity of satire they neither read nor understand – and a nod of support to American incursions into foreign lands and domestic civil liberties.
The hacker collective Anonymous – which is controlled almost exclusively by federal agents – has vowed to track down all unknown Islamists, wherever they hide, and to dox and expose them to random acts of savagery. The group has already renewed a global attack on Urdu speaking websites the likes of which the world has not seen since th3je5t3r took Slowloris live in 2011.
The US, England and France have already prepared new emergency controls that would curtail Internet “freedoms” to help make everyone safer and prevent another Charlie Hebdo, including the broadening of the definition of ‘terror suspect’ as well as new abilities to legally break or prevent encryption, such as the kind employed by Tor, a government project.
Charlie Hebdo provoked a cascade of events that has brought the Internet nearly shuttering to a stop
INTERNET — International fiber optic connections between continents are seemingly failing in a cascade. At least twenty of the most important transcontinental lines have gone down. The FBI issued a statement, saying, “The CyberJihad has begun, and it appears the terrorists are using both digital as well as more physical tactics.”
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, expert in Cyberwar at the Thatherton Cyber Institute told reporters,”Rather than the cliche’d millenial fear of a hacker attack that crashes the electrical grid, this terror attack has hit a more vital and overlooked system, a global system which enables free communication between citizens of different nations.”
China and North Korea have capitalized on the chaos, deploying their massive and highly trained Cyberarmies to disable all western Name Servers, effectively ruining hundreds of millions of smartphones and tablets in Europe and North America.
All Western media outlets are fighting off heavy DDoS attacks and readers have reported strange disappearing sentences mentioning the protocols of the elders of Zion inserted into stories about Charlie Hebdo. President Obama, Vice President Biden, and Newt Gingrich were “doxed,” their personal phone numbers posted on President Obama’s Twitter account.
