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Editorial

Baby’s Day Out: Hatesec goes to New York

Upon arrival, I slept for 12 hours.

This morning I woke up, took a long shower, and hit the road. I walked a mile through Queens to the Rosedale Station, where I’m sitting now.

On the way I purchased half a chicken, a half pound of Spanish rice, and a bottle of Coke for $9. So much for kicking soda. I am now carrying a quarter chicken and most of the rice around with me.

Yesterday, out of desperate starvation, I bought a $3 hot dog from a cart near Penn Station, where I took this photo:

Ladies: hatesec has arrived.

I turned around from the hot dog vendor and accidentally made eye contact with an old man, from three feet away, who was literally eating meat off a chicken bone from the garbage, and staring intensely at me as he did so, as if I were the one making him do it. There was something simultaneously punk and horrifying about meeting eyes with a man hunched over a trash can for his dinner plate. And that is when I realized I am one stolen debit card away from jockeying for position over the good trash cans around tourist hubs.

So what did I do next? I stuck my fucking debit card into the greasy, diseased, yawning hole that is the MTA ticket box, and bought a ticket to Queens.

Sleep is my home now. Everything else around me is temporary and unfamiliar. It’s exciting and dreadful at the same time. But as long as these uncertain days are punctuated by quality sleep, then everything else is going to be just fine.

Today I am purchasing a monthly MTA card, so I only hear the cash register bang once, instead of repeatedly throughout the day. It’s usually not so much the price that bothers me, but the experience of spending.

Fortunately, I give off that vibe. Yesterday I was approached by a bum on the street who took one look at me and threw out his hand in dismissal. He grunted and, under his breath, muttered, “Forget it.”

I am on my way to Manhattan, for no particular reason.

Categories
News

Redditors call for revival of the Confederacy

reddit alien
We gonna do it agin

FREE SPEECH EMERGENCY DISPATCH! PLEASE SHARE

 

Redditors everywhere are called on by their humble moderators to lobby state congressman for secession from the Union in order to create a better, Confederate tomorrow. Recently the North Korean communist in charge of Reddit, Chairman Ellen Pao, outlawed flying the confederate flag over our beloved subreddits, and you know what we have to say?

 

dont tread

But of course this isn’t about racism. This is about heritage. This isn’t about how Chairman Pao mercilessly cracked down on our hate porn because she hates our free speech. This is about ethics on Reddit — and there aren’t any, not anymore.

Ethics have all but dried up according to a reddit admin who claims Ellen Pao fired him for having cancer.

Not long after the IAmA subreddit came back online did ex-reddit admin Dacvak return to make an AMA explaining why he left the company. Dacvak said Pao fired him because he was too sick with Leukemia to move to the new reddit HQ in San Francisco, where violent Confederate revolution is scheduled to take place.

[CHRONICLE.SU UPDATE — EDITOR’S EDITION: DACVAK’S AMA HAS BEEN DELETED.]

The South gonna do it again.

If there’s anything good old boys in the South hate more than faggots, Mexicans or blacks, it’s cancer.

All signs indicate Pao fucked her new website up bad, a while ago, and we’re only just finding out now.

Categories
News

The importance of satire for a free society, by Barrett Brown

Anonymous leader Barrett Brown is serving two years in prison for revealing America's possession of a Weapon of Mass Manipulation (WMM) propaganda "atom bomb" known as Metal Gear
Anonymous leader Barrett Brown is serving five years in prison for revealing America’s possession of a Weapon of Mass Manipulation (WMM) propaganda “atom bomb” known as Metal Gear

THE SLAMMER — Back in middle school, when I’d won the Ayn Rand essay contest and founded the objectivism club, I knew that I was going to be a famous writer one day. Everyone told me so. Even at that early age, I was a victim of a crazed government. The FBI stole millions of dollars from my family because of my father’s alleged illegal business activities. I was taught to hate and fear the FBI from an early age, but I fell into their devious trap and even promoted their work for nearly a year without realizing it. I led others into this same trap, but the guilt and shame are in the past, like my love for Ayn Rand. As such, now I’m famous and even a saint to the fools who bite at the deceptive propaganda put out by my cronies, and it only cost me $800,000 and a half decade of diesel therapy. Diesel Therapy is a form of torture where I get to tour several different prisons and never get to settle in. I’ve already been moved twice, a terror and torture so extreme only the maniacs at the FBI could think of it.

Of course I’m no longer an Objectivist, as I know that Ayn Rand is considered embarrassing among my contemporary revolutionaries. In recent years, I’ve rebranded myself as an Anarchist, and I do ultimately want to see an end to all nation states and religions. Because of nation states, and especially the FBI, satirists like me are no longer able to recruit new members of Anonymous or rise to a position of leadership at all. Journalists across the nation are now terrified and their voices are chilled, as they well should be. As such, the right to be a spokesperson for a revolutionary force that does not recognize the authority of government and fights its battles with doxing, carding, DDoSing, and so on is now in jeopardy, because the basic human right to quote and make menacing death threats or link to stolen credit card information is no longer protected speech, unless of course you are a pussy FBI agent or informant.

But all that threatening stuff I said was all just satire anyway, although I apologize for it and really it was the withdrawal from opiates to blame. I became famous for writing hilarious press releases for Anonymous that were interlaced with jokes and hoaxes, but I had no real power or importance at all. I don’t really buy into that stuff, it’s just an inside joke. Anonymous is all a prank. You may notice that my style of joking is so subtle and dry that it seems as if I really believe Anonymous might inevitably overthrow the government in five to ten years and that I want to be in charge! Hahahahahaha fooled you! I never really mean anything I say when it could be construed by humorless FBI agents as something illegal. I would never break the law or even advocate for breaking the law, because I fundamentally love the USA and especially respect its powerful military.

I affirmed the government’s authority at my sentencing hearing and told them that I simply wish they were following the law better and always got the facts about me just right. I hate it when people get the facts about me wrong, especially when they are making satire, working for the FBI, or doing fake anthropology with a personal vendetta to slander me. As I once explained satire to a bad satirist at chronicle.su, you have to really understand someone and always get the facts straight. Never just make stuff up and misrepresent someone because that is not satire or anthropology. It’s not even funny or true, because to poke fun at the revolution is to undermine its potential power and delay the inevitable end to nation states. When I’m out of prison and immediately back in power over Anonymous, I’m going to look into your fucking kids and bring back the real America, drive it through a carwash of FBI agents’ blood, and then maybe there will be some freedom to write satire and coordinate doxing and cardings of anyone I fucking want. Je Suis Charlie!

Barrett Brown is going through a hard time as the government continues its endless campaign of torturous and disorienting Diesel Therapy. Send him boring and unfunny books written by pundits — no satire please, he is not interested in reading trivial and untrue books written by the insane.