Category: News

THE SLAMMER — Back in middle school, when I’d won the Ayn Rand essay contest and founded the objectivism club, I knew that I was going to be a famous writer one day. Everyone told me so. Even at that early age, I was a victim of a crazed government. The FBI stole millions of dollars from my family because of my father’s alleged illegal business activities. I was taught to hate and fear the FBI from an early age, but I fell into their devious trap and even promoted their work for nearly a year without realizing it. I led others into this same trap, but the guilt and shame are in the past, like my love for Ayn Rand. As such, now I’m famous and even a saint to the fools who bite at the deceptive propaganda put out by my cronies, and it only cost me $800,000 and a half decade of diesel therapy. Diesel Therapy is a form of torture where I get to tour several different prisons and never get to settle in. I’ve already been moved twice, a terror and torture so extreme only the maniacs at the FBI could think of it.

Of course I’m no longer an Objectivist, as I know that Ayn Rand is considered embarrassing among my contemporary revolutionaries. In recent years, I’ve rebranded myself as an Anarchist, and I do ultimately want to see an end to all nation states and religions. Because of nation states, and especially the FBI, satirists like me are no longer able to recruit new members of Anonymous or rise to a position of leadership at all. Journalists across the nation are now terrified and their voices are chilled, as they well should be. As such, the right to be a spokesperson for a revolutionary force that does not recognize the authority of government and fights its battles with doxing, carding, DDoSing, and so on is now in jeopardy, because the basic human right to quote and make menacing death threats or link to stolen credit card information is no longer protected speech, unless of course you are a pussy FBI agent or informant.

But all that threatening stuff I said was all just satire anyway, although I apologize for it and really it was the withdrawal from opiates to blame. I became famous for writing hilarious press releases for Anonymous that were interlaced with jokes and hoaxes, but I had no real power or importance at all. I don’t really buy into that stuff, it’s just an inside joke. Anonymous is all a prank. You may notice that my style of joking is so subtle and dry that it seems as if I really believe Anonymous might inevitably overthrow the government in five to ten years and that I want to be in charge! Hahahahahaha fooled you! I never really mean anything I say when it could be construed by humorless FBI agents as something illegal. I would never break the law or even advocate for breaking the law, because I fundamentally love the USA and especially respect its powerful military.

I affirmed the government’s authority at my sentencing hearing and told them that I simply wish they were following the law better and always got the facts about me just right. I hate it when people get the facts about me wrong, especially when they are making satire, working for the FBI, or doing fake anthropology with a personal vendetta to slander me. As I once explained satire to a bad satirist at chronicle.su, you have to really understand someone and always get the facts straight. Never just make stuff up and misrepresent someone because that is not satire or anthropology. It’s not even funny or true, because to poke fun at the revolution is to undermine its potential power and delay the inevitable end to nation states. When I’m out of prison and immediately back in power over Anonymous, I’m going to look into your fucking kids and bring back the real America, drive it through a carwash of FBI agents’ blood, and then maybe there will be some freedom to write satire and coordinate doxing and cardings of anyone I fucking want. Je Suis Charlie!

Barrett Brown is going through a hard time as the government continues its endless campaign of torturous and disorienting Diesel Therapy. Send him boring and unfunny books written by pundits — no satire please, he is not interested in reading trivial and untrue books written by the insane.

OBJECTIVE JOURNALISM — WikiLeaks spokesperson Julian Assange praised Barrett Brown’s unique Hunter S Thompson Style, while others referred to Brown as a gonzo journalist or satirist, an impression of his work that is as popular as it is uninformed. This is probably a symptom of poor literacy enforced by the American education system, but it is also an integral part of a desperate campaign to clean the shit off of Brown’s diapers. Brown plead guilty to threatening FBI agent Robert Smith, but only after a limp-dicked attempt to pass the threat off as satire, a move which has precisely zero satirists crawling out of the woodwork in Brown’s defense. But, on the bright side, career activists are sure that Brown’s disrespect for satire was something heroic and that his current persecution is something that should make satirists everywhere shake in their cowardly booties, just as journalists feel a chill in their fragile bones.

The European World’s abusive relationship with the written word may go back to the Greek philosophy of Plato, which taught that the essence of what makes a human being a human is that it walks on two legs and has a hairless body. Such soulless philosophies, known as essentialisms, dictate that the word tethers itself to reality through simple definitions handed down by an authority such as Plato. This philosophy is the base on which journalism, law, and scientific taxonomy rests, but this disgusting edifice of will to power fails miserably when one attempts to describe the more subtle themes and meanings in novels, poems, or life itself. That was why Hunter S Thompson said that objective journalism is a contradiction in terms, because ultimately it cannot be based on reality but only fallible human authority, an insight which enabled him to deploy language in such a way as to express not just facts but personal meanings to world events. The facts do indeed make government investigators as guilty as Brown, just as they make Noam Chomsky rightly expand the word ‘terrorism’ to include the actions of the US military. As provocative as it may be to turn authority against authority, that is not at all similar to the way in which satirists deploy language. Brown’s comment on William Blake makes it quite explicit that he thinks playful, poetic, or satiric language is worse than worthless.

The hackers that Brown represented often said he couldn’t hack his way out of a paper bag, but he also couldn’t troll his way out of an open barn door. His various tiring opinions and statements read something like Glenn Greenwald’s trial lawyer punditry except muddled up by drug abuse. Gonzo journalists, mystics, and poets often gain insight through the use of drugs, but Brown’s opiate addiction was a pathology clouding his judgement and craft. Brown was ordered to pay nearly a million dollars in restitution to Stratfor for trafficking the credit card details of thousands of subscribers and journalists who were then robbed on Christmas. Despite the madness, this was not a game changing or precedent setting decision but rather derived from a case where sharing links of child porn was previously ruled as trafficking. Links are containers with contents, despite the insistence of supporters who falsely reduce all links to “just links” or empty containers. In Brown’s inverted mockery of my prescient words, [this link is a generous example of the one unfortunate case I know of in which he attempted a parody] he said, “As a media source, Stratfor’s work is protected by the freedom of press, a principle which Anonymous does not give a fuck any day of the week.” The Anonymous that Brown was speaking for in this parody press release was a small group of IRC chat rooms heavily influenced by FBI informant Hector Xavier Monsegur. The sad irony is that the Anonymous he supported from his blinding opiate haze not only persecuted journalist subscribers to Stratfor, but Brown himself.