Category: News

NORTH KOREA, Korea — Game theorist and Glorious Leader Kim Jung Un announced via a series of Vine videos today that North Korea was not involved with the Sony hack and provided an alibi that will shock the world far more than Joe Rogan and James Flaccos film “The Assassination.” An obviously pumped up Un appeared on his 3MP webcam to proclaim he has been spending the past 3 months on his human futon reading the well documented Sega Genesis’ version of the Game Genie in an effort to find the fabled “Master Code.” In the second vine he proclaims he found the code and is reverse engineering the “Sonic and Knuckles” cheat code known as the “orbital jump for knuckles,” as it holds the keys to bypassing every checksum in every game, even games with PunkBuster.

In a haze of artificial smoke and pyrotechnics, Un appeared for a third vine to say he had obtained the knowledge to bypass every checksum there is. The short clip ended with Un saying that the FBI should “quit givin’ me the business,” and focus on Rogan and Flaccos egregiously terrible films. The supreme leader appeared in a final vine wearing only a spaghetti stained tracksuit and Google Glass, shouting maniacally that “EURO TRUCK SIMULATOR 2 WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!”

Edit: Tor has just been stolen by the FBI as an Act of War, according to our source at the library who really likes Sun Tzu.

INTERNET — Activism for a free and democratic internet took a grim detour this week as developers of the anonymizing Tor network defended their military funding amid a conflagration of hateful doxing, harassment, and namecalling. These abuse tactics were deployed by the most cold and efficient bloggers on both sides, and the TorProject signed a document declaring itself the new harassment authority and promised not to tolerate it for another second. GreenPeace activists placed a banner over the Nazca lines, calling on help from aliens because they have lost all hope in humanity’s essential goodness.

Shrouded in secrecy and under the cover of darkness, Tor weapons manufacturers are regularly paid six figure incomes directly from the US military, earning princely sums for training US-backed revolutionary movements in the use of Tor. The developers also teach governments friendly to the US to deanonymize Tor so that they can more easily maintain their power. Then, with the first morning light,  Tor weapons manufacturers don the rebellious mask of Anonymous and pretend to wage war against the evil US military industrial intelligence complex, perhaps to further draw targets into their manifold traps. YourAnonNews, a Twitter account operated by several of the pseudo-activist weapons engineers at Tor, as well as propaganda agents planted by Rupert Murdoch, has issued threats and called for mob violence against vocal critics of Tor at Pando Daily.

Deeply entrenched in the whitest of white privilege and proud of it, Quinn Norton writes that the Tor weapons manufacturers are more akin to mathematically determined robots and therefore entirely outside the realm of ethical concern — but those who are concerned at least should be more polite so that the big fuss can be put to rest as a simple error in addition. Quinn asserts the only true issue at hand is a startling lack of politeness. Tor developer and confirmed contributor to YourAnonNews, Puella Vulnerata (latin for injured girl), doxed several of Tor’s critics in a frothing rage and is now being targeted by so-called GamerGators, a lizard-like male supremacy movement that preys on any weakness in women with gang e-assaults. While the TorProject has not acknowledged their secret and controversial pseudo-activist weapons manufacturing program for the US military, they have calmly transcended the impolite controversy and now boldly stand united with feminists in opposition to GamerGators.

CYBERSPACE — Tens of thousands of protesters across America taking part in the Black Lives Matter movement were declared a threat to homeland security and emergency propaganda tools previously deemed suitable only for foreign combat zones have been deployed on Americans by the US Navy, affecting social networks everywhere. Metal Gear is a sophisticated apparatus controlling tens of millions of fake social media profiles and manned by Aaron Barr, perpetual enemy of Anonymous and powerful neoliberal hacker. Anonymous discovered Metal Gear after Barrett Brown phoned Barr’s email provider and asked for permission to access his top-secret cyberweapons.

Aaron Barr personally triggered off viral awareness of Bill Cosby’s well-known history of rape, injecting a suppressed and terrible story about white America’s most beloved black figure into mass consciousness at a pivotal moment that would define white hatred for the Black Lives Matter movement. Weapons of Mass Manipulation (WMM) were thought to only be in the hands of professional armies, but thanks to the investigation of Brown, we now know they are not only being deployed to harm civil rights activists, but also to push products for Apple and Carl’s Junior.

Brown is also facing time for angrily threatening to “look into” the life of an FBI agent’s children in a youtube video, which media theorists speculate could have been triggered by advanced manipulations of the output of Brown’s personal computer in an effectively automated gaslighting process intended to drive him insane. Despite this, Brown plead guilty to the threats.