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Kony building dirty Ebola bomb

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Kony is cooking up “dirty” Ebola bombs by sending his child army to collect thousands of deceased Ebola victims.

INTERNET—Kony, terrorist commander of Africa’s child army, has teamed up with weapons technicians from Boko Haram to construct what has been called a “dirty” Ebola bomb.

Rather than weaponizing the deadly virus through genetic modification and lab cultivation, Kony’s child troops have been sent on a suicide mission into the heart of the Ebola outbreak to collect thousands of corpses for construction of the dirty bomb.

Biological weapons expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “If the bodies were pulverized, the liquid pressurized and detonated or dispersed with compressed air over urban areas, that kind of a dirty bomb could kill thousands, or potentially millions of Americans.

The technology to do this is available at any hardware store or airfield across the planet. It’s a 9/11 like scenario where the imagination of the terrorists turns peaceful technology into an unforeseen sophisticated weapon of mass destruction.”

Already, Americans around the country have been advised to huddle in their homes and tape over their windows with plastic sheeting to seal out the Ebola vapors that could descend at any minute.

However, Dr. Cecilia Darwin of the CDC said:

“Ebola can only effect Africans, and when it infects a European or Asian person the effects are never fatal. It’s long been known that Ebola was created in a weapons program where diseases were created to target certain haplogroups, and it’s my understanding that only African Americans should worry about the impending Ebola bombs.”

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Coca Cola says “Share a Coke with the Islamic State”

BAGHDAD—Coca Cola issued its most provocative political message yet in a piece of viral marketing featuring a Coke labeled “Share a Coke with ISIS.”

Coca Cola disseminated this piece of viral marketing along with a message of peace for the Islamic State.

Coca Cola’s marketing director Jen Stamois said, “We aren’t endorsing terrorism or condemning the latest campaign to suppress the Islamic State. We simply want to share a Coke with ISIS because we think there’s always a chance for peace and goodwill towards all religions, if only for the few minutes we take every day to drink a refreshing Coke.”

Peace Activists, however, understood the advertising campaign as a message against the latest conflagration of Islamophobia and its purpose for the Military Industrial Complex.

Others, such as commenters on NPR’s Planet Money, instead calculated just how many smart bombs it will take to make a worthwhile return for defense investors.

However, Coke’s campaign to share their beverage with the Islamic State is not without boots on the ground. Armored convoys, provided by the private defense contractors at Blackwater (Academi) are distributing Coke and dodging IEDs in parts of Syria and Iraq taken by ISIS.

One convoy arrived at Mount Sinjar Sunday morning, providing the starving Yazidis with an endless stream of cheap Coca Cola.

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VISIT GRIMLIES NATIONAL PARK TODAY

    The Grimlies are beautiful this time of year and just the thing to spice up your social media feed.
The Grimlies are beautiful this time of year and just the thing to spice up your social media feed.

TOURISM — Stare at your phone in awe and wonder as you take in the natural beauty of the Grimlies and enjoy the internet streaming from our thoroughly disguised 4g towers placed on the crest of every ridge. When visiting, keep your phone at the ready at all moments, because bears may appear at any time, and they are not only dangerous but valuable to your social media reach.

We have the most beautiful views for you to pose in front of for friends on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, and Twitter, including but not limited to mountains, waterfalls, and bubbling rivulets. Our Five Star restaurant prepares the most photogenic food available in the entire South, serving up plates in a dazzling array of colors in our well lit booths. Be creative, even on rainy or foggy days the woods can be magical. A visit to Grimlies National Park will surely gain enough likes to take your social media game to the next level.

Gaze in wonder as your affordable Grimilies National Parks augmented reality app turns your phone into a time machine, reviving long-dead Indians, Bison, and old growth forests so you can see history as it really happened. We’ve got fiber optic cabins available for those who want to share their excursion with blazing fast internet speeds not even available in most cities.