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Fracking to blame for recent volcanic activity, says Snowden

Snowden came forward with documents which showed a military fracking program is attempting to relieve the Yellowstone supervolcano at the expense of volcanic eruptions in other part of the globe.
Snowden came forward with documents which showed a military fracking program is attempting to relieve the Yellowstone supervolcano at the expense of volcanic eruptions in other part of the globe.

NORTH DAKOTA — NSA leaker and hacker Edward Snowden came forward with new documents outlining a military fracking program designed to disrupt the Earth’s crust in order to relieve an impending eruption at Yellowstone National Park, home to the world’s largest supervolcano.

“These documents show that the military has been tampering with the crust in a way the government believes would lead to more volcanic eruptions in other parts of the globe,” Snowden told reporters.

Glenn Greenwald, Snowden-leak spokesman, told Twitter followers the eruptions are a tactic used by the government in an NSA-facilitated assassination plot.

“I’ve felt small earthquakes under my feet, targeting me out for weeks now. So has Snowden, Jeremy Scahill, and Laura Poitras.”

“This supervolcano, if it blew, could destroy the entire continental united states, sinking them beneath the sea like the lost city of Atlantis. We may relieve pressure on Yellowstone and cause other volcanoes to erupt, as we’ve seen in the past week,” said military geologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador.

Clear evidence to support Troubadour’s claims were witnessed by millions in violent eruptions at both Ecuador’s Tungurahua Volcano and Mount Sinabung in Indonesia this weekend.

CIA Director David Patreus said fracking keeps America out of harm’s way.

“Strategic fracking disrupts the local ecologies of neighboring third-world countries. What’s called ‘ecological terror-fracking’ is turning out to be an indespensible tool of Al-Qaida terrorists. We’re just doing it better and more efficiently.”

“The reason we want to police fracking anywhere else in the world, even as we practice it ourselves,” Patreus added,”Well, it’s a national security concern.”

By preserving Yellowstone National Park, Patreus said America can hold off selling the preserve to Nabisco for “at least another seven or eight years.”

One Direction performed a relief concert for the victims of Edward Snowden outside Taminy Hall, in a show of solidarity with the brave men and women behind worldwide US fracking.

Other anti-Snowden protests are scheduled to occur in major cities around the world Saturday, including NYC, Kiev and Moscow.

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Obama to Award BP Executive Presidential Medal of Freedom

Tony Hayward was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom
Tony Hayward will likely be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom

WASHINGTON— In a move that is sure to stir up controversy among his supporters, President Barack Obama announced late Friday afternoon the first of his choices for the 2014 Presidential Medal of Freedom: Tony Hayward, the former chief executive of oil and energy company British Petroleum (BP).

Speaking from the Rose Garden, President Obama said, “Mr. Hayward was a critical, if not the critical component to the quick containment of public opinion of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill.”

When questioned about the sustained effects of the spill, Obama said, “Look, it’s like Tony says: in relation to the size of the ocean, the spill was relatively tiny.” Mr. Obama then added, with a wink towards the first lady, “What’s good for the goose, is great for the gander—am I right?”

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, chief researcher at Lebal Drocer Laboratories, added, “It ain’t the size of the spill that matters. It’s the motion of the ocean.”

Mr. Hayward left his position as CEO of BP in October 2010. Although there were rumors that his resignation was due to cowardice, or “mishandling” of the oil spill, a BP press release stated that he left with the full confidence and satisfaction of the board of directors. An internal review, which was later declassified, called Hayward’s actions “heroic,” and a “patriotic.”

[pullquote]”After rigorous examination and careful delusion, we have determined T. Hayward’s bravery in the face of public outcry to be not only heroic, but god damn patriotic.”

BP Internal Affairs

[/pullquote]

Speaking to a White House insider on the condition of anonymity, this reporter can confirm that preparations are already under way for the ceremony, a lavish party to be held at the White House later this year. The ceremony will have a “Gulf Flavor” and “represent the biodiversity of the Gulf that BP had a large role in preserving.” Menu items being considered are: Catfish tartare, Gull kabobs, chocolate covered turtles, and a Pelican spiced ale – all of them sautéed in “a certain oil.”

The first lady is reported to be heavily involved in the planning and overall décor of the event. She wants to emphasize the local flora reminiscent of the darkest days of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. When questioned what exactly this might mean, the insider only said, “It means what you think. Brown. The ceremony is going to be brown.”

The Obamas are intent to play authentic New Orleans music during Mr. Wayward’s ceremony. Ms. Bovina Margot, a White House attaché dispatched to the Gulf to find suitable musicians, said, “They want traditional New Orleans music. They want to give regular, working musicians from the Bayou a chance to come up to Washington.” So far offers to perform have been extended to New Orleans based artists Juvenile, Mannie Fresh, Master P, and a rapper named Skull Duggery.

This decision falls on the nearly four year anniversary of the BP oil spill and on the evening of the State Department’s report to OK the controversial Keystone XL pipeline, a 1700 mile pipeline running from Alberta, Canada to the Gulf Coast in Texas.

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Dating advice forum "void of masculinity"

According to Red Pill theorists, "sex market values" of men and women change differently as they age.
According to Red Pill theorists, “sex market values” of men and women change differently as they age.

INTERNET — Men on Reddit forum The Red Pill want to help men become better men, but what does that mean? What is masculinity?

In swallowing the forum’s eponymous Red Pill, a man accepts an uncomfortable reality constructed of carefully plucked scientific statistics framed up by the capitalist “sex market” metaphor. In short, most Red Pill men believe women seek out muscular and boisterous men who will “neg” or casually insult women because this telegraphs a man’s high “sex market value.”

This infantile caricature of masculinity by self-proclaimed ‘puerarchists‘ (boy-rule-ists) instructs men that perceived masculinity is the only real masculinity. And maybe it is this masculinity that will get socially confused or rejected young men laid, but at what cost? Is this real masculinity?

Frederich Nietzsche self-published a corpus of world shattering literature and red faced rants targeting out every “great man” who’d been wrong about something in the past. Sure, he only had sex once in his life with a hooker and went home with a fatal case of Syphilis, but the great masculine “no” of Thus Spake Zarathustra echoes to this day.

Johannes Kepler said “no” to Ptolemaic astronomy, inventing an entirely novel solution for the movement of the planets. Partly because of his contempt for systems — including his own — Kepler was the first man on record to perceive ovals in planetary motion where others had seen only circles. Not only did Kepler’s heroic and recursive “no” help snap humanity out of thousands of years of blinding cosmological tradition, but he was doubly a man for saying “no” to prestige at every opportunity.

Perhaps the most famous philosopher in the western world, Socrates, did not gain his reputation by accident — he was a towering example of manhood. He did not write a single word of his all-the-more influential “no,” and when given a chance to apologize and go along with Athenian society, he could only say “no” and be put to death. Even as his disciples begged him to flee for his life, Socrates said “no.”

That masculinity must always look like hubris or ignorance to others, and it isn’t likely to get anyone laid. If masculinity is that very assault on perception itself, that “no” to the “natural attitude,” then clearly Red Pillers have left their masculinity at the door. A man who will change himself simply for social approval (sex) is no man at all. Especially in feminist literature worth anything at all, that kind of masculinity is ever present as it challenges the “natural attitude” and tears down invisible edifices of blinding tradition. It is the feminists, after all, who saw that linking submissive or yielding tendencies with the feminine, saying “yes” as opposed to that “masculine no,” is a language system of the patriarchs (or perhaps puerarchs).

Somewhere on earth in some small village maybe gender identities do not emerge or sew themselves into the fabric of power relations. But not here. So “what is it to be a man?” is not a question to be dismissed in a muddy mess of postgender postmodernisms or far worse, given over to its most popular and sexually gratifying answer. It is also not a question to be passed over in silence or generalized. Masculinity must remain a secret in its quiet corner, crazily working out its solipsistic answers as the rest of the world laughs and jeers.