Category: News

INTERNET — Increasingly, bearded men claim they have been “inundated” with comments about Duck Dynasty by self-proclaimed “clever” strangers in public.

“‘Oh I just love the Dynasty,’ the cashier told me. She said it slowly taking up lots of my time, as if I also loved the Dynasty, and I was offended. Just because I have a beard doesn’t mean I love Duck Dynasty. I wouldn’t know about it if I didn’t have a beard and sometimes I just feel like shaving it all off, just to get away from these Duck Dynasty comments,” said Jake Earl, 28 year old musician from Carlston, West Virginia. “But I can’t! I’ll lose all my ‘mountain’ cred and nobody will come to my bluegrass shows.”

Jake Earl found fame after a video of him shaving his beard in public went viral on YouTube.

Earl told our correspondent in Carlston, “I just felt this pressure building up, something like one of these mass shooters maybe,” Earl said, “I just couldn’t take the way I was being viewed by the world and everything just came crashing down on me. I felt a strong compulsion to cut it off in public, and I’m very sorry for throwing my hair at police officers.”

Authorities detained Earl but did not arrest him. Earl’s psychiatrist refused to give our reporters his diagnosis, but told us “Earl is feeling much better.”

Other local bearded men have stepped out of hiding to support Earl. Fred Dershowitz told reporters, “What Jake Earl did was heroic. I mean my beard is not even similar at all to Duck Dynasty. It’s cropped short! But still, every time I go to the grocery store, some slack-jawed idiot points at me and says ‘Duck dahnasty, yall! It’s a beard!’ and I felt the same urge Earl does. I think I’ll just shave mine off in public too.”

WASHINGTON — Recent revelations from Snowden outlined a complex cloud weather modification project carried out by the classified High Altitude Auroral Research Project (HAARP) and the Jet Fuel Cloud Seeding Program (JFCSP) commonly known as Chemtrails. Wednesday, President Obama stunned the public in a press release admitting to decades of classified weather modification by the United States and promised to establish a permanent international independent oversight committee.

President Obama shocked the world with candid words, “Hundreds of countries are carrying out weather modification programs, and we’re doing it better than any of them. However, this has been secret for too long. The American People need to know about what we do to make sure our children have something to eat each and every year. It’s true we need more oversight for geoengineering projects, so I’ve signed an executive order establishing an international third party oversight group to not only investigate for abuse but also to keep the public informed about new and existing geoengineering programs.”

President Obama addressed the tough topic head-on, building a strong case for the weather modification programs while refuting concerns from activists, saying, “Geoengineering is necessary for our country’s agricultural industries and keeps millions of Americans employed every year. Our efforts in high altitude microwave technology at HAARP combined with the innovations in cloud seeding technology introduced by the jet fuel industry gives the American People a level of control over the elements unprecedented in the history of mankind. American Scientists are quickly approaching capabilities which will not only curb global climate change, but also to put an end to disastrous hurricanes and typhoons. For decades these programs have been kept secret out of concern for national security, but I have decided there is no need to keep this program a secret. Sensational reports that the United States will exist in a ‘bubble’ as the rest of the world heats up uncontrollably have no basis in scientific fact.”