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Pope Calls for Pan-Ecumenical Religious Social Media Event

Pope Francis with his coat of arms and brass ring of power.
Pope Francis with his coat of arms and brass ring of power.

INTERNET — Pope Francis went over the heads of the Cardinals by issuing an Encyclical which will assemble a worldwide Ecumenical council including the highest leaders from every faith.

In his statement, Pope Francis said, “God has chosen Buenos Aires as the grounds for the merging of all faiths. The biblical convention welcomes all in the writing of our global seminal holy text. Will it be a concise set of poetic aphorisms, lengthy genealogy, didactic farming advice, or an epic war poem? No! It will be a major media event Tweeted and E-Mailed to every person on earth as five different Reality shows featuring the hottest monks and nuns in humiliating sexual situations compete to invent the world’s next religion. Everyone will be converted if we just blow the Vatican’s treasury on Persona Management propaganda from our friends at HBGary, and the world will have ten million years of peace.”

Atheist speaker Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador condemned this speech, slamming his fists on the podium, “Ain’t that Pope ever read the bible? What he’s intendin on doin’ is building him a big ol’ Tower of Babel, I tell you what. That’s a religion designed to come a tumblin’ down, but he’s mad with power. Them Marxists slipped one through to United States president and now they done it in Rome, by gum.”

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Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador Breaks Bitcoin

iverted pyramid
The inverted pyramid of the Bitcoin Occult Association represents upside down capitalism acting as the horizon for the all-seeing-eye.

INTERNET — Many Bitcoin investors panicked as all Bitcoin trading came to a mysterious stop on Sunday.

Cryptanalyst Dr. Angstrom Troubador of the Secret FISA Cuthbert Institute of Technology at Palantir stepped forward to take responsibility, telling the press, “A new generation of bitcoin millionaires and billionaires have infested the streets of America with hybrid cars which are designed to last for exactly 8 years. Bitcoin’s annihilation and incorporation into the general world economy acts as a turbo-boost for the empire. Can you feel it happening? The Shift is here. Capitalism 2.0, man. Artificial moneymaking crowdbanking fads which work to the benefit of the individual and the whole. It’s trickle-up fad economics, but it just swings. People will make billions, even trillions, and then the banks will kill it at a pre-ordained time. This will happen again and again, and it is a part of their plan to rebuild the middle class and the — uh — developing class.”

After many reporters chanted “Occupy Wall Street” and were thrown out of the room, Doctor Troubador continued, “The Occult knowledge of Bitcoin has been hidden, but I quote the seminal message of its creator: ‘Live by the coin. Die by the coin. For know one day a coin will always rise again, better than all others, and at this point a peaceful sanity will descend over the planet.'”

Trading continues at a much depressed state in markets continuing to sell Litecoins and PPCoins. but dogecoins are now traded at an astounding rate and worth, quadrupling in value over night.

The owner of MtGox, Dr. Satoshi Nakomoto, pounded his corporate fist at his podium, “We aren’t closing down, but we’re downsizing. If they bust Litecoin, we’re done. The Coin Fad is almost over, man. I’m calling it now. It was exactly like Tulips. Funny money. No one should have taken it, it was a bogus hacker prank from the get-go. Mt. Gox will continue to offer an alternative to Paypal, who if you’ll remember once blockaded our dear friends at Anonymous — the brave ones who stand for freedom and mere destruction of all governments everywhere. Support Mt. Gox, and you support a proud member of Anonymous.”  Dr.  Nakomoto winked at the camera.

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Scientists invent new endangered species

The Hyper Squirrel is a futuristic endangered species engineered by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador.
The Hyper Squirrel is a futuristic endangered species engineered by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador.

INTERNET — Thursday, BioScientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador invented a new kind of squirrel. The Hyper Squirrel is barely able to hang on because it’s so tiny it can’t compete with the predominant species, the American squirrel. Already, Hyper Squirrel activist groups have rallied to support the Hyper Squirrel’s equal rights and diversity. Larger squirrels will be humanely caged and removed from the Hyper Squirrel’s natural environment at the Troubador Polytechnical Institute’s campus.

Dr. Troubador told reporters, “We plan to expand the invention of new endangered species to an industrial scale and open up franchises in every major biosphere on the planet. This will both speed up evolution and provide the planet with enhanced biodiversity, possibly curbing the threat of global warming. These fast-evolving trash squids I’ve been working on will thrive in that hellish whirlpool of plastic human detritus in the Pacific and absorb carbon dioxide.”

Anonymous Scientists at DARPA criticized Dr. Troubador, saying, “We’ve all known about the climate change hoax for a long time, but if Troubador wanted to speed up evolution I suggest he just introduce invasive species to new parts of the world. We’ve been doing this for years. Whatever animal consumes the most is of course the most evolved, the antithesis of something like that puny Hyper Squirrel. What he’s doing is slowing down evolution. I’ve been working on this terrible plague to unleash which, when it runs its course, will basically make us immune to any foreseeable biological alien attack. It’s not a doomsday project, just a cosmic immunization. One day we may even kill and eat the aliens, if we continue steadfast with such projects. We’ve been working with the airline companies for decades on this. Another thirty years or so and we’ll be in the clear.”