Category: News

INTERNET — The famous computer researcher Kragos Ruyu tweeted this week about discovering a virus which rewrote itself through a kind of “sexual” interface with other malware, stealing random code and mixing it in tens of thousands of similar “offspring” viruses.

“This thing is like nothing I’ve ever seen, man,” said Kragos Ruyu. “I don’t know how it’s even possible, but it’s happening. Each new generation of virus seems to be smaller, more efficient, and more deadly. This may be the very end for the internet, at least as controlled by human beings.”

Ruyu’s startling discovery has not gone unnoticed in the field of biogenesis, which studies the birth of life in the non-digital world. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, who studies emergent patterns in simulated computer systems, angrily denied Ruyu’s discovery, saying, “I just can’t believe his evidence, it’s insufficient. We’ve tried to create textured emergent life within computer environments for decades now and we believe it will take us several decades more. That this has happened, seemingly in the digital wild, is preposterous.”

Ruyu fired back at Troubador, ranting, “Militarized virus writing receives billions of dollars in funding around the globe and is the practical equivalent of Dr. Troubador’s so-called science. He better take a closer look at these organic programs and build a theory around that, before I do it first.”

Unlike in science fiction novel Snowcrash by Neal Stephenson, this “biological” virus remains digital and cannot, in fact, infect human beings, claims Ruyu.

INTERNET — Reports of laterally dispersed Chemsheets which appear as a jet liner passes over are reportedly part of a secret crash program by meteorologists at DARPA.

These chemsheets are equivalent to nearly 100 chemtrails deployed by a single passenger jet, and there is now some controversy in the chemtrail science community. They can be broken up into two schools: the Apocalyptics and the Beneficents. Some Chemtrail scientists have seen the chemtrails as an effort in “homeopathic” style drugging and or poisoning of civilians — at times sure that one day, as depicted in the Denver Airport murals, global elites will apply the final lethal dose and rid the world of its overpopulation.

Beneficents believe this theory of the Apocalyptics laughable, because they see the ruling class as smart enough to keep their useful slaves around. Rather than stopping global warming abruptly and with such drastic means, they believe the ruling class, specifically American and West European, are trying to turn climate change in the advantage of Western interests, at the expense of Chinese and Asian ecologies. Each year, targeted seeding in the Atlantic stirs up hurricanes purposefully aimed for the East Coast in order to blow all the pollution from America in a convection current towards Asia. This is why the Beneficents believe deserts are spreading in Africa and all the smog in the world has descended upon mainland China.

With the sharp rise of chemsheets over urban populations, Beneficents can no longer fall upon the argument that chemtrails are too homeopathic to be poisonous or effect the nervous system. Apocalyptic chemtrail scientists have proven beyond a doubt that were the chemsheets composed of Polonium 210 or other poisons, entire city populations could be wiped out with a single attack.

NEW YORK — Banksy’s New York studio attempted to drop a giant banner spanning the entire George Washington Bridge, which would have said “LONDON RULES, NEW YORK DROOLS,” but police reportedly assailed Banksy before any of the 2,000 banners were successfully hung. Police were tipped off by new spy drones which peer through windows at suspected drug houses and at the hotel rooms of foreign dignitaries.

After evading arrest and reaching for the smartphone in his pocket, which police believed may have been a weapon, Banksy was shot 77 times. No investigation is being held.

Anonymous family members of Banksy asked fans of Banksy not to report on his identity and ignore tabloid media which is making money in a way Banksy would never approve of. Banksy was 64 years old and had three children and will be missed by fans more than any graffiti artist in all of time.