Category: News

INTERNET — The State Department Office of Defense Trade Controls Compliance has forced Cody Wilson to “pull” downloadable designs for the world’s first plastic .22 caliber pistol, which was manufactured on a 3d printing machine that recently became available at local office supply stores near you.

Wilson’s designs are now downloadable on MegaUpload, the multi-billion dollar corporate copyright infringement empire built by Kim Dotcom, a Kingpin-style cyber-supervillain who also held the first place score in Call of Duty, the world’s most popular shoot ’em up video game. Despite pleas from Wilson Dotcom will not take the plans down.

Larry Holler, a 3d printing enthusiast and ancient weapons expert, was recently ordered to take down designs of an Atlatl, or spear-throwing device, by the State Department. Because Holler posted these files on The Pirate Bay they are now shared from the hard drives of millions of internet users, and he has since been taken into FBI custody at gunpoint for not complying with government regulations.

Hackers recently jailbroke Google Glass, and government agencies are now cracking down on forums which distribute military grade targeting apps. The inconspicuous “glasses” hide a high definition camera which, with the help of these now-illegal apps, can be used to locate anthropomorphic objects and alert the user to other threats.

Meanwhile, the black market for weapons and ammunition has exploded with the new-found legitimacy of digital cryptocurrencies like BitCoin, which allow internet users to make anonymous purchases. As it turns out, government internet control is now permanently and inextricably sutured to gun control and these never-ending school tragedies.

TEL AVIV — Rampant rumors on the net have surfaced espousing contradictory narratives about Stephen Hawking, Israel, and the Illuminati. Most popular of these stories is one in which Hawking has refused to appear at a conference in Israel in protest of their wanton killing of Arabs, while other more reliable sources claim he was only sick.

Clearly, the Illuminati’s mind-control hell spawns internet narratives which become deeply embedded into public consciousness because the Illuminati long ago inserted their “hooks” into our “minds.” But why do they want to discredit Israel, their patsy in the Arab world, and why now? Illuminati expert and Jungian Psychoanalyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador says, “Israel cannot continue its course for much longer, especially as more and more nations become destabilized and revert to Islamic states. The Illuminati is turning people against Israel because we’re going to ‘cut them off’, and trust me, you don’t want to be cut off from the Illuminati if you’re a nation-state vying with the Arab world.”

Does this mean that America will duck out of treaties with Israel? What are Stephen Hawking’s fever dreams like? Didn’t Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador just admit to a high position in the Illuminati?

NEW YORK — Wednesday, part of a wing from 9/11 was dug up and hoisted from an alleyway to media fanfare as it was “taken into police custody,” reported Shimon Prokupecz of NBC New York. This shard of wing was exhumed, quite importantly, on the same block as the controversial “ground-zero mosque.” Thursday, Workers at the “Freedom Tower,” which is now officially named One World Trade Center, ceremoniously hoisted the final part of the building, which will not be installed for many months as they must first hoist all the other parts.

All this glorious hoisting of phallic objects and shards of cthonic airframe comes on the heels of a magnificent and vivid dream recounted now by this author.

Swimming through a shallow lake with a group of people including my suppressed femininity (anima), my child-self, and my shadow, my scattered-self reached a sacred cave inscribed with golden runes. “What does this all mean?” I asked the shadow, who looked around this place with a knowledge that made me suspect he was an alien. “It turns all who swim here into dogs.” I was frightened for a moment, but then realized this was a joke, a ridiculous superstition, and laughed with the shadow. Now across the lake and without these others, I approached an abandoned maintenance hut for the lake which once housed a dusty bandsaw I wanted to take. The bandsaw was now outside on the ground, rusted and broken. “What had it been for?” I asked the shadow. He merely gestured at rotting beams in the nearby cliffside which had once been used for hoisting something which was, only upon reflection, conspicuously missing from the dream. In a  pagoda I nervously disassembled and reassembled a bullet, and when I fumbled and spilled its gunpowder there were small computer chips inside. At this time authority figures approached in the form of Chumlee and Big Hoss from Pawn Stars. I didn’t hang around to greet them but soon returned to the pagoda out of curiosity. They looked worn out and tired, and didn’t care to chastise us for the discovery of the computer chips. My child-self discovered scraps from the beam-making  and tapped them, producing musical notes like a Hang Drum.

We have plucked the last shard from America’s wounded soil and brought it to a great new unshakable height (1776 feet, precisely). It relieved me of some stress to see the bandsaw rusted, and the Pawn Stars may have looked awfully tired, but they also seemed relieved. They had abandoned their hoisting. I have felt a great peace since having this dream and I believe it symbolizes the resolution of some internal struggle.

The Boston Marathon Bombing has been beaten to death like any other media event and now exists in some sphere subsumed by more present memories of 9/11. It is now an extension of 9/11, part of a chain of events which has only brought greater glory upon “America” through many fantastic opportunities to hoist symbols of triumph.