Xi Jinping has been peacefully removed from power, top military leaders report
INTERNET — General Wei Fenghei, Commander of the Chinese Rocket Force, told reporters Saturday that Xi Jinping has been arrested for corruption and abuse of power after allegedly ordering Chinese troops onto Taiwanese soil. He is currently facing the death penalty, pending a military tribunal.
China’s military brass held a press conference to dispel rumors of martial law. “The People’s Liberation Army has arrested former President Xi for overstepping his powers in command the People’s Army,” Wei said. “Xi’s powers and responsibilities have been passed to his civilian counterparts, and his arrest has in no way transferred power to the military. Rumors of a coup or martial law can be immediately struck down, and there is no threat to the stability of government.”
General Wang Ning, commander of China’s Armed Police, stepped forward and said, “There is no need to be upset. Stay inside and resume business as usual.”
Josh Moon's suicide letter to fans of his hate site
INTERNET — Josh Moon, controversial owner of the infamous KiwiFarms stalking and trolling website, was found dead in his Florida apartment, Wednesday, after facing years of backlash from Anonymous, the LGBTQ community, and Keffals.
Moon’s assets were released to Jim Watkins, dear friend and former employer, who promised to continue fighting the losing battle to keep the KiwiFarms community going. Watkins is the owner of the notable conspiracy hate site, 8kun.
Police Coroner Whitey MacGuffin said, “Man, I never seen a cadaver like that. He strangled himself with a LAN cable and had carved Keffal’s twitch URL all over his body, ‘http’ and everything. They were all bruised up too, like he’d been clicking on himself relentlessly, thousands and thousands of times.”
In spite of the unusually gruesome and specific police statements, fans of the hate site spun up numerous conspiracies to retell the death of Moon to better suit their political agenda.
“I think that he was poisoned to death by Keffal’s homemade hormone cocktails. They slipped it into his water supply, into his food. That’s why he bitched out at the end, acting so gay,” said Dynastia, former KiwiFarms admin. “I still can’t believe he let the Internet have power over him like that, like he was a lolcow.”
Matthew Prince in the heyday of his trolling career, back when AOL brought more idiots to the internet than in all of history.
INTERNET — Wednesday, Internet Chronicle Editor-In-Chief Raleigh Theodore Sakers received a distressed phone call from Matthew Prince, CEO of CloudFlare, telling all about his lifelong passion for internet trolling.
[Disclosure: The Internet Chronicle is hosted on CloudFlare, and Internet Chronicle writer Jaime Cochran was also a paid troll and hacker for CloudFlare]
Matthew Prince, his distorted voice issuing out of a speakerphone, revealed to the stunned Internet Chronicle newsroom that he loves to troll people on the internet, “It’s shock humor, guys. You get me, right? Chaos! I’m always posting on KiwiFarms because that’s where the Internet’s elite trolls are always hanging out. It is real hotbed for new memes and the latest jokes, which later spread over to Reddit, and then Facebook. Shoutout to Catgod!”
Prince confessed that his connections with trolling culture run deep, “Yeah I love to troll, that’s why I hired Asshurt and got weev the hookup for his Daily Stormer crap. It’s happening all over again.”
Prince rambled on for hours, telling tall tales about his time as the president of the GNAA, a famous trolling group. Once back to the topic of KiwiFarms, Prince sighed, “Josh is causing me a lot of trouble right now and I’m trying to get him to chill out and start pruning some of the more hateful threads. He doesn’t think he can draw the line anywhere, but he can. He can. This is just business, man. Big business, with real money involved. We’re talking millions, even billions.”
Prince nodded sagely, “Lolcows are the future of entertainment, people who are ‘milked’ by trolls. We might call them up, talk to them in a chat, wind them up, and post the recordings and screenshots, the ‘milk’, to my favorite web site, KiwiFarms! This is not harassment or stalking, it’s just information, man! I call these the three principles of free speech: speech, information, and discussion. They talk, we record the information, and then we discuss it. That’s our freedom.”
Several KiwiFarms victims in the Internet Chronicle offices scoffed loudly at Prince’s proposal for a reformed forum. One of the thousands of transexuals whose “information” has been “documented” by the forums remarked, “What are they going to do, create another Oh Internet, but this time with dickgirls and femboys? These drama sites are cringe, man. Cringe af. We gotta do somethin’ about them. Maybe write a death hoax or somethin’.”
“Fuck yeah,” Dr. Troubador said, snapping his finger with a hot new idea. “That would be wild, man! Breaking: Josh Moon dead at 28. Fans and haters mourn the loss of a titan in the silicon valley industry, a man who reinvented the social network from the inside out and changed the world for the better, by spreading the freedom not just of speech, but even better, the freedom to legally silence others. Wow! You getting this, guys?”
Kilgoar and Hatesec immediately began typing this obituary out in their private, secure Lebal Drocer installation of etherpad, the free and open-source alternative to Google Docs. In the distance, Matthew Prince could be heard reminiscing on the speakerphone about his many incredible prank phone calls, in which he spent whole days berating “lolcows” until they slipped up and said something funny. “I talked to Chris Chan for over a month and posted everything to KiwiFarms. Meanwhile, Cloudflare was making me billions. That’s just my life. So hey, when you print this just make me cool, like McAfee. I’m thinking of running for president.”
