News Archives — Page 259 of 385

Here on Earth, the hole in the ozone layer is “bleaching” coral reefs, killing them in a process that turns them white.

HOUSTON, TEXAS – Tuesday, scientists at NASA were shocked by images of a Cnidarian fossil beamed from Mars. The Curiosity rover, which has been surveying an ancient riverbed, unearthed a bright white fossil which NASA’s exobiologists say appears similar to primordial coral reefs.

Coral reefs are formed by colonies of simple polymorphous invertebrates which lack organs. Angstrom H. Troubadour, spokesperson for the exobiology lab at Curiosity command, said, “This object could be anything from a piece of an ancient Martian coral reef to a previously undiscovered form of life.”

Other experts are critical of this announcement, calling it “premature,” but Mr. Troubadour maintains that this is sure evidence of life on Mars, adding “The object may not even be fossilized. If that’s true, it’s an incredible find because it would contain much more organic material to analyze. It may even give us a profound insight into why life on Mars died out.”

microscope-of-coral — This image, taken by the microscope on Curiosity, appears to be final proof of life on Mars.

Science has long held the probability of of extraterrestrial life to be incredibly high. This probability is so high, in fact, that this discovery does not come as any surprise to the community. Some churches, however, have already denied that this discovery could be possible. Pastor Fred Falwell of Liberty Baptist Church says, “Satan has placed this fossil, like other fossils on Earth, in order to deceive mankind and deny the truth of the Bible. There is nothing in Genesis about God creating life on Mars, so it is surely a deception of Lucifer.”

Despite some skepticism, this discovery has fired the imaginations of people worldwide, and some have even taken to the streets rejoicing in the fact that we are not alone. Environmentalists have taken this as an opportunity to preach about the frailty of life, and UFO enthusiasts have also hailed this discovery as evidence for their long-held beliefs.

microscope — The microscopic apparatus of Curiosity examines the Coral’s skeleton in detail.

Netizens have long wondered about the secrets of Metal Gear, and the Beleaguered and Imprisoned Leadership of Project PM have decided it is time to reveal the secret Barrett Brown has hidden for so long. As sacred leader of the secretive and mystical Project PM, I have created a holy Sockpuppet Apocryphon that JUST MIGHT help you increase your reach and specialize your New Social Media Empire! Unlike useless and paranoid cryptography, this is worthless for hiding your plans to kill police, but you just might increase your voice by powers of magnitudes.

I’ve got literally 10 billion followers with the YourAnon RupertMudochMediaEmpire, so listen the fuck up. Anyone can do it.

Are the sockpuppets after you? Join us at the #SockParty For Idiots.

Social media accounts grow like plants. Plant your social media accounts as soon as you can! The more the better. Plants need sunlight, water, and some firm soil to grow. Likewise, social media accounts need sex and violence. Also they need reality. People need to be voted off of Twitter and out of the world all the time. If you aren’t retweeting dox that will cause people to be abused, you just won’t have the big following of the Fox News Sockpuppet Army. It’s always good to fire out some drama once a week–any more and you’ll be called a cyberstalker. Remember, everyone likes infighting the most because it’s the least expected. Do it too much though and it looks bad!

Tractates Sockpuppeta Apocrypha

Have lots of emails.
Have lots of sockpuppets.
Control all the socks easily.
View the people messaging the socks easily.

In the realm of Twitter, the fourfold path can be fulfilled even by the most amateur of users with a few very simple services.

First, sign up for a lot of emails. If you have your own web server this is ideal, but if you don’t you can use yahoo or something. It’s helpful but not necessary to have an email client like Mozilla Thunderbird which can handle multiple accounts at the same time so you can quickly verify your accounts. I won’t go into how to use Thunderbird but yes it will work easily with the kind of web based accounts that are popular with the kids these days. Always write all the usernames and passwords down for reference cause you can’t possibly remember them all. Leave room between each for the info of the associated Twitter account.

Now that you have lots of emails, you need lots of Twitter accounts. Each time you make an account, write down the usernames and passwords next to the emails. I like to fill the account out with all the info it needs as I go. Empty profiles and eggs aren’t getting your sockpuppet army anywhere. Get some pictures of empty suits; that seems popular these days. Don’t forget to answer the email confirmation! It might not even matter, I don’t even know. Try not doing it and see what happens! This could all be superstition. The ways of Twitter are mysterious.

When you’re done filling out the “new account,” you need to tie it to a “central account” that will control it through DMs. You do NOT want to have to log in and out of twitter accounts all day long just to run Metal Gear! Every multi-account sockpuppet twitter client I’ve ever tried is a piece of shit, therefore I now use BirdHerd. While you’re still logged in to your new account, go to BirdHerd.com, let it access the Twitter account, and add your central account to the “contributors.” In the settings you can disable the “/via” style if you so desire (you do). If you do this right, you can control as many accounts as you want from the central account with simple direct messages and never log in or out. After you’re all set up with BirdHerd, you can log out and make another sockpuppet.

Finally, how do you keep track of what people are saying to all these sockpuppets? It’s easy with TwitterFall.com. Simply put each of the sockpuppets’ Twitter names into the “search” bar! This will keep track of all mentions of this term in real time for your sockpuppeting enjoyment.

Congratulations, young sockpuppet padawan. You are on your journey towards fulfilling the four noble truths of Sockpuppets and will have a media empire of your own one day that Lebal Drocer will gladly absorb xor grind into oblivion.