Category: News

Wikileaks unveiled a hacked transcript of Kellyanne Conway’s secretive interview with CNN portraying President Trump rampaging through the white house in what she called “pussy grabbing cocaine mania.” Conway’s bombshell interview with Wolf Blitzer is set to air next week.

The alleged interview transcripts show a Conway who was sexually terrorized by the president, “He came up to me, scowled, and grabbed my pussy after my botched interview the other day. ‘This here’s the only reason you’re not fired.’ His exact words. ‘Anything you say, I can say it’s fake and no one will ever believe you.'”

White House spokesperson Kellyanne Conway’s interview with CNN comes after the outlet was called “fake news” by President Trump. However, even most skeptical republicans see Wikileaks as a reputable source. Internet Chronicle has not been able to corroborate any facts with secret service or white house personnel, and Conway has made no public statements about the alleged groping.

“He grabs at least a hundred pussies a day. Every chance he gets and yes, especially his own daughter and wife. Just the other day I told the President that I can’t explain to the press why he won’t lock Hillary up. Then I made a mistake in sharing my opinion that the American people had mandated it, and that he wasn’t draining the swamp. I mean, how do I lie about all these things at once? It’s hard and I was about to cry. Then he took this big line of coke right off of the oval office desk and grabbed me in the pussy, bruising it badly. He shouted ‘THIS is what the American People mandated!’ so loud that the Secret Service rushed into the room with guns out. They grabbed me and locked me in the bathroom for three hours until the president’s rampage came to an end.”

Julian Assange of Wikileaks appeared on the Sean Hannity radio show and spoke with the deliberate, natural voice of General Tarkin in Rogue One, “We’ve never published anything wrong in our whole career. I think the people of the world want to know the truth. Does that mean what Kellyanne Conway says is totally true? I don’t believe so.”

Assange is currently in the process of handing himself over to US authorities, although an increasing number of skeptics believe he has been covertly murdered and replaced by an artificial simulacrum controlled by CIA propagandists. A majority of poll respondents told Internet Chronicle that Assange’s sudden change in behavior is “totally fishy.” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador logged onto CNN and posted a comment out of his ass that said, “Assange is enticed by the new pussy grabbing opportunities available in Trump’s dank white house,” and the pyschiatric committees of America all agreed this is some sick fuckin shit.

Senator Al Franken has called a motion for immediate impeachment of President Trump, but Republicans want to delay until the interview airs on CNN. Arnold Swarzenegger, whose recent beef with President Trump has dominated headlines, celebrated this decision, tweeting, “One more week and I’ll be Back.” Trump responded with a misspelled tweet that read “Your Fired.” Dr. Troubador, whose twitter password was lost long ago in a stoned daze, didn’t tweet anything at all.

INTERNET — The Trump White House, already struggling under multiple scandals and unprecedented low approval ratings, is desperate for any distraction. Most of the new administration, including Trump himself, are believers that 9/11 was an inside job, and have begun discussions on how to repeat this Bush-era success on an even larger scale. Leakers tell Internet Chronicle that discussions have focused on whether to use a “dirty bomb” or “two or three megatons” on Trump’s least favorite city, Chicago. Trump has even brought in expert truther, Alex Jones, to plan the specifics of the attack for maximum psychological impact.

“It’s a tall order to top 9/11,” Jones reportedly said, “And I don’t think a dirty bomb is going to do it. It’s got to be full-on nuclear or forget about it.”

Military advisers are struggling to appease Trump but believe there’s no way to pull off a nuclear false flag. General Petraeus told Trump, “Our weapons leave unmistakable traces, and any nuclear scientist can detect where the material was mined and produced by simple tests of the fallout.”

Jones roared at the generals, “We KNOW about the thermite, we KNOW about the missile at the pentagon. We CONTROL the news.”

General Petraeus suggested, “We have a disarmament program and exchange nuclear materials with Russia. This would be the easiest way to make it look as if terrorists are behind the nuking.”

This suggestion enraged Trump who stood up and began to strategize, “If we can land Seal Team Six and grab Obama– I mean Osama–out of Pakistan, can’t we just go in there and grab a bonafide Islamic nuke? I get no respect, no respect.” The group of generals began to laugh at this witty one liner, delivered in Trump’s typical bombastic, outrageous frat boy stand up style. However, the mirth turned to stunned silence as Trump turned on his evil grin and sat quietly in his chair, pointing at each of the generals and delivering his most famous catchphrase. “You’re fired, and you’re fired, and you’re fired,” purging the military of its most competent leaders.

General Alex Jones was last spotted hyping up Seal Team Six, shouting at them, “I envy you WARRIORS! YOU have a chance to give your life for something bigger than 9/11, the final fight that will bring freedom to every individual on earth. Go in there and GET THAT ISLAMIC BOMB.”

INTERNET — As President Donald Trump was sworn in at the Lincoln memorial, Benjamin Price was one of the few photographers not in attendance. A photo of what he called, “a tremendous, dark, winged  creature” landing on top of the White House has gone viral, with Roseanne calling it ‘the mothman’ in a tweetstorm heralding the very end.

The mothman was last spotted in 1967, landing on the Silver Bridge before it collapsed, killing 46 people.

While many say that the viral “Mothman” photo is only a confused heron, most on social media agree this is a prophecy of doom not only for the president, but for the entire nation. “When Mothman lands on the White House that means it’s the end, and it ain’t just the end for him. This is for all of America, and it’s coming sooner rather than later,” said former Trump supporter and famous West Virginian Jesco White. “We’s all already dead because we’ve been fooled by the devil.”

Reportedly, mothman’s landing took place at the exact moment Trump officially became president. Famous columnist and novelist Laurie Penny tweeted that she began her period “with a vengeance,” at this moment as well, perhaps affected by the gaze of the mothman.

Further sightings of the mothman have been reported as the evil creature shifts through the haze of teargas making his way back to the safe harbors of the Appalachians.

“I think he don’t like what we’ve done to these mountains,” White said. “He’s just letting us know he’s got something real bad in store for us.”