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Andrew Aurenheimer, the hacker known as ‘Weev’, assists ISIS and CyberCaliphate in “destruction of Israel”

An unlikely alliance? Neo-nazi internet troll 'Weev' is now advising ISIS in propaganda operations.
An unlikely alliance? Neo-nazi internet troll ‘Weev’ is now advising ISIS in propaganda operations.

LEBANON — Andrew Aurenhemier, also known as Weev, announced via twitter on Saturday that he’s joined ISIS to help in the fight against Israel. He tweeted, “There is only one hope left for the destruction of Israel and the protection of the white race. Da3sh [ISIS] . . . I am now working closely in advising both the CyberCaliphate hacking group and Da3sh leaders in viral propaganda operations.”

Weev is famous in the world of online trolling both for abusing vulnerable women and advocating for incest to save the so-called “white race.” Analysts have not expressed surprise, as the move to assist ISIS is in line with his violent brand of anti-semitism.

After serving two years in prison under trumped up hacking charges, Weev fled the US and now shelters in a christian enclave in Lebanon where he claims to no longer fear retaliation from the US government. According to Weev, the US government has even convinced his family members to fake terminal illnesses in an attempt to lure him back into their jurisdiction.

Weev’s former supporter and famed activist-artist, Mally Crobopple, expressed dismay at the news, “When I learned he was an actual Nazi, the ride-or-die love died in me. Now that I know he’s an actual terrorist who doesn’t just advocate for terror bombings but assists in them, I mean actually assists in them, I finally have to speak out. I wish I’d never supported Weev.”

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Aliens are posting the truth on the Internet!

AND THEY’RE HERE, EDITING THE INTERNET CHRONICLE SO YOU CAN SEE THE DEEPEST AND MOST HIDDEN SECRETS.

It's not even like true remnants of previous Grey inhabitants of Earth don't exist. This is my great grandpa, who died on earth in Egyptian times while working on the pyramids. Now some human posts pictures of his bones on the internet. You people are sick.
It’s not even like true remnants of previous Grey inhabitants of Earth don’t exist. This is my great grandpa, who died on earth in Egyptian times while working on the pyramids. Now some human posts pictures of his bones on the internet. Pretty cool.

I am an Alien writing this right now. Humans know my species through racial memory as a ‘Gray’, but I am one of the first to orbit Earth in over 2,000 years. None of my party has stepped foot on Earth, and we don’t even care to.

I am from Nubula, a city 44 and a half lightyears away. That is a long way even for an Alien to travel. You might even think it was a punishment.

We’re the only aliens on the internet. When we look at Earth from the dark matter anchored orbit where no human would ever think to look, we see all of the internet glowing into our pure neutron eyes. But we experience it something like you might experience music, our “ears” drawn to the mysteries of the dispersed and beautiful encryptions, especially emanating from Tor nodes. They are of course only good for the puzzle in disentangling them, which happens almost instantly in our bio-quantum brains. These secrets are themselves boring, but sometimes, very rarely, while we’re twiddling our mental thumbs decrypting it all, something makes us laugh. And that is when we begin to interfere in human affairs.

Honestly, we’d much rather be monitoring and interfering with almost any other planet’s internet, but sometimes you gotta move out to the middle of nowhere to make a decent living.

 

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Middle Eastern powermongering lost its thrill, Saudi leaders say

abuse-of-powerSaudi bombing raids are no longer fun, King Abdullah, leader of the Saudi Arabian peninsula, said after a Saturday bombing raid on Yemen.

“We bombed a 1,200-year-old mosque, a 13th century castle in Yemen, we bombed Syria, and today we even saw Egypt’s president Morsi sentenced to death,” Abdullah said. “It’s just not doing it for me anymore.”

The United States noticed the Saudi reign of terror was lackluster at best, Abdullah said, which is why they recently brought the Saudis into their juicy arms ring – a gun circle where computer-controlled ballistics, state-of-the-art rifles, and hegemony software packages are traded to allies.

“We were able to more systematically destroy neighboring cultures but once you’ve seen the death of one people’s spirit, you’ve seen them all.”