Category: News

INTERNET — Rael, founder and prophet of the nascent world religion Raelism, announced Friday that his human cloning facility in New Jerusalem, Israel is transitioning out of experimental stages and into full reproductive capacities. Speaking in a live internet broadcast to an estimated 80,000 followers across the globe, Rael said, “Preparations for the imminent arrival of the Elohim are nearing their culmination. Now is the time for the great pilgrimage, where the faithful will amass at the embassy for the Elohim in New Jerusalem and cleanse themselves in preparation.”

An anonymous Raelist bishop spoke with the Internet Chronicle, suggesting that a human cloning facility with the capacity for 1,000 births per year was judged by Rael to be a sufficient quantity to replace a small city’s need for sexual reproduction. The bishop said, “I know it sounds like scifi, but we’re expecting at least 10,000 adherents to immediately move to New Jerusalem, where sexual reproduction will be made impossible.”

Describing the process of entrance into New Jerusalem, the anonymous bishop said, “First, each person’s DNA will be sampled and preserved in three secret locations using alternate techniques, and then they will be surgically or chemically sterilized, depending on recommendations of doctors. Then they are given a numbered tattoo which identifies and ties them permanently to their DNA. Upon death, their DNA will be pulled from the banks and if all goes to plan a new child will grow to adulthood and continue the life and projects of the deceased.”

The anonymous bishop explained that the concern among the top echelon of Raelism was that the religion would become too popular, “Those with a permanent sexually transmitted disease are either denied entry or given a special mark identifying their status. We’ve been concerned that the existing demand for genetic immortality and a safe environment free of sex disease and pregnancy might shock the religion with new converts and we definitely don’t want to turn people down.”

The Raelist bishop added, “Cloning is not that hard, or even that expensive, and we’ve perfected it on a fairly industrial scale. I doubt we’ll be turning anyone down, in fact, franchise clone factories are already under secret construction in Asia and North America at so-called overflow sites where we are planning other clone-only Raelist cities.”

INTERNET — In what may be its most historic and important operation to date, the Anonymous hacker collective has rolled out a simple web site called Right to Strike which allows workers all across the world to freely and anonymously organize resistance to employers. Workers in retail, fast food, as well as entertainers on youtube, facebook, and twitter are encouraged to join the discussion and air their grievances, general and specific, among like-minded anonymous friends in a safe environment.

Daddy Yawa, hacker and founder of Operation Right to Strike, says that workers will use the new platform to organize strikes and not just to blow off steam. Yawa issued a statement on pastebin, saying, “If you want to share your grievances without a pledge to strike, you will not be welcome on Right to Strike. We will notify you, and others, when pledges have reached the critical point where we begin bargaining with employers, and if the employers do not address the most urgent demands, workers will be called on to fulfill their pledge. It is very important that the pledges are fulfilled, although it is not important that workers identify with Right to Strike or gather in meatspace to wave signs around. It is enough to call in sick at the right moment.”

The grievances of fast food and retail workers as well as internet entertainers have been increasing, although until now there have only been a few localized strikes and little in the way of serious challenges to the power of the 1%. Employees are often fired for forming concerned collectives and attempting to bargain with employers, and entertainers publishing grievances about social media on social media will be quickly censored. Daddy Yawa is banking on diverting this suppressed energy into the Right to Strike web site, where the most urgent grievances will not only be given voice but backed up with the real threat of a strike. As Daddy Yawa said, “This ain’t no street parade or sign-waving festival to blow off some steam and flip the bird at The Man, this ain’t no imaginary revolution five years away, this ain’t no witch hunt or freakout over the latest news, this is what The Man fears more than anything — Right to Strike is the Real Occupy.”

Hi, I’m Jeremy Scahill. Thanks to Edward Snowden’s heroic leaks, we know beyond a doubt that the NSA and the CIA have tapped into your iPhone. These evil agencies tortured people, lied to Congress, and ran black sites. Do you expect them to keep their hands off of your iPhone?

Apple is rolling out its safest phone yet, the xPhone. They’re the phones I use when I’m telling my story from the frontlines of the global cyberwar and tracking down American terror squads fighting Dirty Wars.

Zero day mercenaries are breaking even Apple’s safe iPhones for the US government, but they won’t even share their exploits with Apple. That’s why the xPhone is immune to all zero day attacks, using Apple’s latest breakthrough in cryptography, the cryptoshield. The cryptoshield requires the world’s most powerful miniaturized graphics processor and the most powerful batteries known to science. The xPhone’s safety also makes it the fastest phone anyone has ever created. Thanks to the xPhone, the office at The Intercept is more efficient than ever at cranking out new revelations from Snowden.

Sometimes I think about the wasteland of the cyberwar and know that all the spying will culminate in the final moment for all of mankind, where every atom is calculated into a great mind beyond our comprehension and I feel as if doom is upon me. But then, inevitably, my xPhone will chirp happily and again I can see the great path to the shining summit of mankind, my new Apple xPhone, its pulsing lime flash assuring me that its cryptoapp is running at full capacity. I am safe, at least for now.

UPDATE: Apple is experiencing service outages as the US government retaliates against Apple’s untouchable xPhone by punishing Apple’s cloud mainframes. Non-xPhone Apple products may be back online by next week.