Hi, I’m Jeremy Scahill. Thanks to Edward Snowden’s heroic leaks, we know beyond a doubt that the NSA and the CIA have tapped into your iPhone. These evil agencies tortured people, lied to Congress, and ran black sites. Do you expect them to keep their hands off of your iPhone?
Apple is rolling out its safest phone yet, the xPhone. They’re the phones I use when I’m telling my story from the frontlines of the global cyberwar and tracking down American terror squads fighting Dirty Wars.
Zero day mercenaries are breaking even Apple’s safe iPhones for the US government, but they won’t even share their exploits with Apple. That’s why the xPhone is immune to all zero day attacks, using Apple’s latest breakthrough in cryptography, the cryptoshield. The cryptoshield requires the world’s most powerful miniaturized graphics processor and the most powerful batteries known to science. The xPhone’s safety also makes it the fastest phone anyone has ever created. Thanks to the xPhone, the office at The Intercept is more efficient than ever at cranking out new revelations from Snowden.
Sometimes I think about the wasteland of the cyberwar and know that all the spying will culminate in the final moment for all of mankind, where every atom is calculated into a great mind beyond our comprehension and I feel as if doom is upon me. But then, inevitably, my xPhone will chirp happily and again I can see the great path to the shining summit of mankind, my new Apple xPhone, its pulsing lime flash assuring me that its cryptoapp is running at full capacity. I am safe, at least for now.
UPDATE: Apple is experiencing service outages as the US government retaliates against Apple’s untouchable xPhone by punishing Apple’s cloud mainframes. Non-xPhone Apple products may be back online by next week.