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Obituaries

Slavoj Zizek dead at 65

Slavoj Žižek showed signs of cocaine addiction for several years leading up to his death.
Slavoj Žižek showed signs of cocaine addiction for several years leading up to his death.

Ljubljana, Slovenia — Fans mourn the loss of 65-year-old Marxist commentator Slavoj Žižek, who lost his lifelong battle with cocaine addiction Monday.

Though he was not considered by intellectuals to be a “true” philosopher, which bothered him deeply, Žižek was regarded by his following as a forward thinker and a master in his field.

He gained notoriety as a Communist editorial writer during the liberalization of former Yugoslavia under Tito – where his drug habit began – and later played himself in screenplays “The Pervert’s Guide to Cinema” and “The Pervert’s Guide to Ideology.”

Žižek was found alone in his Ljubljana flat where he was confirmed dead. Paramedics on the scene told reporters he appeared to be coated in a fine dust, “presumably cocaine,” one witness said.

Sources close to Žižek who asked that their names be withheld said he had grown cold and distant.

Slavoj Žižek exhibited many telltale signs of cocaine abuse, including "coke nose."
Slavoj Žižek exhibited many telltale signs of cocaine abuse, including “coke nose.”

The source said Žižek exhibited many telltale signs of drug abuse during public appearances at universities and forums. Eccentric mannerisms – his wild, swinging hands, half-hour tangents and long, unending chains of run-on clauses – are just a few examples, while publicists and MCs blamed his constantly running nose on “allergies” to spare him any indignity.

“Talking to Slavoj was like talking to someone through six inches of bulletproof glass,” the source told chronicle.su. “He said he understood our concerns, but his lost, vacant eyes told another story.”

Žižek’s editors complained his writing had become scattered and disjointed. McGraw-Hill told the Internet Chronicle that Žižek often repeated himself throughout his copy, and that editors sometimes used the Microsoft Windows command ‘ctrl+f’ to highlight and revise countless instances of repetition. In a single draft, Žižek was rumored to have used the word “Hegelian” more than 2,000 times.

Royalties from Žižek’s various works are expected to go to Jela Krečič, his wife. The family has asked the media to respect their privacy in this difficult and uncertain time.

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Internet “gets real” after murder goes viral

The Internet kills thousands of people each year, including CHILDREN.
The Internet kills thousands of people each year, including CHILDREN.

The Internet was responsible for an estimated 2,460 deaths in 2014: an alarming trend as the number of Internet-related murders triples, doubles, double-triple-double-double-triple-checks each year.

26-year-old Maria Constanelli, who died on New Year’s Eve when a craigslist response went dangerously wrong – so I was wondering how late you’re open to – fell victim to her Facebook stalker during a routine w4m no-strings-attached meetup.

Theresa, her mother, said Maria – who did not want her mother to worry – always told her where she was going to be prior to meeting strange men on the Internet. This time was no different.

“I thought Dugan Nash sounded like a nice boy,” Theresa said. “When she said she was meeting one of them Nash boys, I thought to myself, ‘He sounds right proper.'”

Theresa said Nash, the man Maria was alleged to meet, was known for his R&B single that goes like: Flip. Double flip. Double-triple-flip.

“They do that one song, that’s like, uh, double-flip, double-triple-flip-flip. Triple check. Double flip, triple-triple,” Theresa said. “They do that one song that’s like, uh, triple-double-triple-triple-check.”

While Maria’s whereabouts are still unknown, countless others continue to suffer by the invisible hand of the Internet. Won’t you do something today?

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Hacktivist ‘Weev’ found dead in Lebanese gutter

Fans mourn and celebrate the loss of Andrew ‘Weev’ Auernheimer who was found dead Monday Morning.

BEIRUT—The puffy, bruised corpse of Andrew Auernheimer, known to fans as ‘Weev’, was pulled out of a drainage channel in Beirut early Monday morning. He was last seen clubbing on a rooftop, huddled in a corner and laughing with a group of friends at his laptop Sunday evening before disappearing into the night.

Weev recently served two years in prison on false charges pressed by AT&T after exposing — and not creating — a gaping security hole in their iPhone network. Weev fled the US for Lebanon because he feared a legal loophole that would undo his constitutional protection against double jeopardy, and Lebanon does not extradite to the US. Telecom analyst and legal expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “When you are a persistent threat to a big corporation like that and they’ve exhausted all the legal methods at their disposal, that’s when they take out the cheap and dirty options, and it doesn’t matter where you run or hide.”

Many former supporters and friends of Weev grew enraged over the weekend after one of Auernheimer’s trademark inflammatory opinion pieces percolated through social media, finally revealing the actual truth behind his hard-right White Nationalist beliefs. Previously, supporters had smirked at what they considered Auernheimer’s magnificent trolling, but now they believe that he authentically holds views that they cannot reconcile with their personal brand of left activism. Laurie Penny, rising princess of British Feminism, said that she now perceived Weev was “Not a figurative fascist. An actual one.” Molly Crabapple, whose politically-charged artwork inspires revolution everywhere, said she “Misjudged sincere belief as trolling.” One of Crabapple’s prints, titled “#OpPornPixie” was found plastered to the wall just one block from Weev’s corpse, leading some to speculate that he was murdered by an outraged Molly Crabapple fan.

Rumors that Weev was collaborating with Islamofascists circulated over the weekend also, leading yet others to speculate that Weev was categorized as a terrorist and, meeting all the parameters for execution without trial, was beaten and killed by special agents from the US government. Dr. Troubador speculated, “No one will ever know who got to Weev because so many people were gunning for him, and they did what appears to be a typical, clean job.”