Suck our hammer and sickle, baby, we’re on the right side of history.
HAMBURG, Germany — While the world watched in amazement at the “Hell-in-a-cell” twitter-war between bitter rivals The Tor Project and Pando Daily, a humble researcher named Jacob Appelbalm gave a presentation at the Chaos Computer Clubs’ 31st Congressional hearing, in which the following years Internet agenda was drafted. Appelbalm, most known for his truly original and extraordinary MD5 hash-collision research and his Tor outreach, gave a rousing speech to a crowd of hackers being sslstripped. While Appelbalm and his colleagues work closely with Der Spielgel newspaper in Germany, which is world famous for dropping doxx on the NSA, he pivoted from his usual pandering and pointed to a new enemy within: the Glorious and Infallible Internet Chronicle.
Furious that he didn’t get exclusive Snowden deetz that the Internet Chronicle got, Jacob derided the news outlets ethics saying “The Internet Chronicle pretty much lets anything pass as journalism these days, it’s like they just type shit, don’t redact, don’t hold back documents for 3 years and just don’t give a damn if an article shits the closet.” The crowd cheered as the charismatic man on stage urinated in their ears, “These are the kind of people that I would ass-fuck with a chainsaw.”
Relenting for a moment as the crowds’ tears of joyous manipulation diminished into simpering sobs, he continued “However, from documents that have been gleaned over with a fine tooth comb by everyone here in Germany, it is unfortunate to note that the Internet Chronicleis a real site.” After a few minutes of diddling with his Mac, a slide appeared with a screenshot of http://www.scamadviser.com/is-chronicle.su-a-fake-site.html revealing our trustworthiness.
In closing, Appelbalm rabbled the crowd once again with images of revolution, stating: “These are just the times we live in, we’re going to have to accept the fact that our block-lists will be long and sycophants wide. That’s just the way the Berlin Wall crumbles, y’all.”
PYONGYANG—Petulant rumors percolating after reports by Western media outlets slandered benevolent North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, falsely suggest the glorious leader has been deposed by his own cabinet.
But accoding to official sources, this rumor is Western propaganda. “Kim Jong Un is very proud of the liberal DPRK landscape, where healthy, legal marijuana grows as freely as elections,” an anonymous official stated on the trusted DPRK news site.
This is the last known photograph of Kim Jong Un sitting upright. Kim, now bed-ridden, is gleefully addicted to massively multiplayer online role-playing games.
The Internet Chronicle is pleased to report that not only is Kim Jong Un in top health, his aides indicate the dictator is safe and in charge on a bed composed entirely of living people, enjoying the finest Swedish pharmaceutical products.
Sources close to the Supreme Leader said the media frenzy surrounding his whereabouts have deeply agitated him, driving him further into terrific madness.
“He gets so bummed out when his advisors say he has to trot out and keep the people excited,” said Cho Seung Whuey, personal guard to Kim Jong Un. “He’s like, ‘let me keep playing CoD guys,’ and ‘fuck this.’ But yeah, that’s where he’s been. Gaming off.”
Blizzard Entertainment, creators of the popular Diablo, Warcraft and StarCraft franchises, said they recently investigated growing bandwidth use tying up their servers and emanating from North Korea.
“[Kim Jong Un] is responsible for 100% of the country’s traffic to Blizzard, operating one of the largest guilds in World of Warcraft and decimating South Koreans in both Starcraft and Starcraft 2 under the username DearLeader007,” Edward Nomura, Blizzard’s spokesperson, said.
Kim Jong Un’s epic bedridden gaming binge has once again popularized the Jouse 3, a mouth-controlled advanced joystick-operated plug-and-play solution for quadriplegics, which Un ordered after doctors installed a heroin drip to soothe his bed sores.
An inspired Kim Un got the idea after witnessing the great success of twitch.tv streamer NoHandsKen, who plays MMORPGs using the Jouse 3.
“Now he can just lay there like a fucking invalid,” Whuey said, “and continue to level up.”
Whuey praised Great Leader’s efficiency. He said he routinely feeds Un Cokes while the dictator, connected to various tubes and monitors, lies practically motionless aside from his constantly twitching mouth.
“For a while we had him hooked up to feeding tubes and a catheter,” Whuey said. “He looked like Darth Vader. We thought it was really cool.”
But Whuey said the catheter offered Great Leader little in the way of sexual creativity.
“He was laying on a human bed afterall,” Whuey explained. “So I said, ‘Why not just plug your dick into one of those young girls from the villages? You spend all this time gaming out on the human bed, so why not enjoy a human catheter?”
“Every so often he will thrust his hips,” Whuey said, “And you can tell he sort of enjoys that, sort of half-banging that young lady, and using her as a toilet also.”
Some medical problems have arisen by no fault of the leader. The girl has begun to yellow from jaundice, Whuey said, and became sick from Un’s waste.
“She appears to be dying from an extremely preventable embolism,” he said. “It is the kind of thing that can be avoided under normal circumstances, but this was best for the country.”
Journalist and geopolitical expert Geraldo Rivera said the People’s Revolution and Juche Ideology did not fully disseminate into Un’s heightened consciousness, but was attenuated by generations of inbreeding.
“He’s a third generation dictator,” Rivera, who is a noteworthy detractor of the DPRK, said. “By the time you get that far it’s all a life of delusion.”
Nancy Grace has publicly condemned the dictator’s salacious lifestyle, saying his decadent fantasies-come-true are a distraction from world politics.
“If you ask me,” Grace said, “he probably spent too much time a-layin on that human bed and not enough watching his empire.”
President Barack Obama encourages Americans to consume a healthy dose of circus with every portion of bread.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As the one-year anniversary of the immediately successful launch of healthcare.gov approaches, the Obama administration has finalized plans to celebrate in a big way.
Or as press secretary Josh Earnest put it, “it’s gonna be fucking patriotic as shit—the American Way, fgts.”
After weeks of floundering from the administration on how they would celebrate Obama’s landmark law, the almost-universal, wholly-neoliberal, not-at-all-egalitarian Affordable Care Act, it seems that Obama has signed off on an elaborate, costly, and controversial ceremony to take place on the South Lawn at the White House on October 1st, the anniversary of the laws implementation.
What is the ceremony? What can we expect? How can we get tickets?
Hold your healthcare, Internet Chronicler! To answer your last question first, you won’t need to get tickets. The Obama Administration, the most in-touch-with-the-people administration ever, has made it so you do not even have to leave your couch to be part of history.
“Mr. Obama understands the incentive difficulty of physical activity when you have Affordable and full-coverage,” Earnest said. “That’s why every American will be able to watch the ceremony on their television set. They will be able to take part from the comfort of inside their over-valued houses.”
Vague, but a joint press release from the Offices of Health and Human Services and Treasury further clarified: “A mandatory $79.99 charge will be placed on all American credit, debit, EBT, etc. cards for the pay-per-view event on October 1. No exceptions.”
What about those of us who spent the wages we reserved for a tee-vee on our (Affordable) Obamacare bill?
Great question, citizen. Susan Rice, PBO’s National Security advisor, says that the NSA is working overtime to triangulate the ceremony directly to your smartphone, flip-phone, laptop, PC, “whatever… we’ll use your metadata to make sure you have access.”
This is a bold move from the administration. But, they see it as “participatory politics at its purest.”
So what is the ceremony?
Mr. Obama will be taking the Hippocratic Oath on the South Lawn and declaring himself Eternal Surgeon General. It is rumored that the first of hopefully many Death Panels will close the ceremony.
While the Hippocratic Oath is generally reserved for physicians, and Obama has absolutely no medical training whatsoever, the administration sees this as part and parcel in the solidification of Mr. Obama’s legacy, which now rests only on the admirable merits of: drone warfare; lawful NSA spying; the unprecedented, necessary War on Whistleblowers; the surge in Afghanistan; keeping Gitmo open; failure to close corporate tax loopholes; deciding not to prosecute those involved in the torture interrogation program; being a shitty father; etc.
“Like me, Mr. Obama knows the value of a good oath,” Bernie Madoff, who is expecting a Presidential pardon at the end of Obama’s term, said earlier today from his North Carolina prison cell. “I just hope my credit card won’t get declined so I can see the goddamn ceremony myself!”
God bless Obamacare. And God Bless the United States of America.
