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Kanye West suing compass manufacturer for illegal use of his name

Kanye West: "SIRS Navigation doesn't care about anybody whose families and reputations they hurt when that needle lands on them."
Kanye West: “SIRS Navigation doesn’t care about anybody whose families and reputations they hurt when that needle lands on them.”

Copyright law faces a new challenge after rap artist Kanye West™ announced his intentions Wednesday to open up a “reverse” class action lawsuit against SIRS Navigation, and other companies for illegally using his name without permission.

“I didn’t ask to be born with this name,” West said. “But I won’t be bullied around by these faceless instrument manufacturers anymore.”

West said he is not the only person whose rights were infringed upon.

“Anyone bearing the surname of a cardinal direction is invited to follow suit,” he said. “I’m looking at you, Peter North.”

If the West court battle goes as planned, experts confirmed it will be the first time an individual has simultaneously squared off against the veteran legal teams of three corporations, all leaders in their fields.

“It’s a reverse class action,” West said. “SIRS Navigation doesn’t care about anybody whose families and reputations they hurt when the needle lands on them. That is why I’m suing literally everybody who ever slapped my name on a product.”

West and his attorney Jeremy Matthews said the lawsuit is also aimed at Global Sources and Kasper and Richter, as well as several small Swiss instrument makers.

West said he would like to see SIRS Navigation go in the ‘right direction’ by adding a small trademark symbol (™) or the letters TM after each iteration of his name, as in the case of the large capital W appearing on most compasses.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Professor of Law at MIT, called the charges “unprecedented,” adding that he has never seen anything like it in the 45 years he has studied and practiced law.

“When something like this crosses my desk, I just shake my head in wonder,” Troubadour said. “I’m consistently amazed at my country’s capacity for justice. Kanye will have his day, yet. Just wait.”

Matthews said charges will be formally filed by the end of the end of the week, at which time a press conference will be organized in front of his Hidden Hills mansion, which he shares with his Kim Kardashian in California.

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News Politics Reviews Technology Trolling

Experts Reveal the Internet Chronicle is a Real Site

Suck our hammer and sickle, baby.
Suck our hammer and sickle, baby, we’re on the right side of history.

HAMBURG, Germany — While the world watched in amazement at the “Hell-in-a-cell” twitter-war between bitter rivals The Tor Project and Pando Daily, a humble researcher named Jacob Appelbalm gave a presentation at the Chaos Computer Clubs’ 31st Congressional hearing, in which the following years Internet agenda was drafted. Appelbalm, most known for his truly original and extraordinary MD5 hash-collision research and his Tor outreach, gave a rousing speech to a crowd of hackers being sslstripped. While Appelbalm and his colleagues work closely with Der Spielgel newspaper in Germany, which is world famous for dropping doxx on the NSA, he pivoted from his usual pandering and pointed to a new enemy within: the Glorious and Infallible Internet Chronicle.

Furious that he didn’t get exclusive Snowden deetz that the Internet Chronicle got, Jacob derided the news outlets ethics saying “The Internet Chronicle pretty much lets anything pass as journalism these days, it’s like they just type shit, don’t redact, don’t hold back documents for 3 years and just don’t give a damn if an article shits the closet.” The crowd cheered as the charismatic man on stage urinated in their ears, “These are the kind of people that I would ass-fuck with a chainsaw.”

Relenting for a moment as the crowds’ tears of joyous manipulation diminished into simpering sobs, he continued “However, from documents that have been gleaned over with a fine tooth comb by everyone here in Germany, it is unfortunate to note that the Internet Chronicle is a real site.” After a few minutes of diddling with his Mac, a slide appeared with a screenshot of http://www.scamadviser.com/is-chronicle.su-a-fake-site.html revealing our trustworthiness.

In closing, Appelbalm rabbled the crowd once again with images of revolution, stating: “These are just the times we live in, we’re going to have to accept the fact that our block-lists will be long and sycophants wide. That’s just the way the Berlin Wall crumbles, y’all.”

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Politics Technology

Kim Jong Un shut-in, “addicted to gaming”

PYONGYANG—Petulant rumors percolating after reports by Western media outlets slandered benevolent North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, falsely suggest the glorious leader has been deposed by his own cabinet.

But accoding to official sources, this rumor is Western propaganda. “Kim Jong Un is very proud of the liberal DPRK landscape, where healthy, legal marijuana grows as freely as elections,” an anonymous official stated on the trusted DPRK news site.

This is the last known photograph of Kim Jong Un sitting upright. Kim, now bed-ridden, is gleefully addicted to massively multiplayer online role-playing games.
This is the last known photograph of Kim Jong Un sitting upright. Kim, now bed-ridden, is gleefully addicted to massively multiplayer online role-playing games.

The Internet Chronicle is pleased to report that not only is Kim Jong Un in top health, his aides indicate the dictator is safe and in charge on a bed composed entirely of living people, enjoying the finest Swedish pharmaceutical products.

Sources close to the Supreme Leader said the media frenzy surrounding his whereabouts have deeply agitated him, driving him further into terrific madness.

“He gets so bummed out when his advisors say he has to trot out and keep the people excited,” said Cho Seung Whuey, personal guard to Kim Jong Un. “He’s like, ‘let me keep playing CoD guys,’ and ‘fuck this.’ But yeah, that’s where he’s been. Gaming off.”

Blizzard Entertainment, creators of the popular Diablo, Warcraft and StarCraft franchises, said they recently investigated growing bandwidth use tying up their servers and emanating from North Korea.

“[Kim Jong Un] is responsible for 100% of the country’s traffic to Blizzard, operating one of the largest guilds in World of Warcraft and decimating South Koreans in both Starcraft and Starcraft 2 under the username DearLeader007,” Edward Nomura, Blizzard’s spokesperson, said.

Kim Jong Un’s epic bedridden gaming binge has once again popularized the Jouse 3, a mouth-controlled advanced joystick-operated plug-and-play solution for quadriplegics, which Un ordered after doctors installed a heroin drip to soothe his bed sores.

An inspired Kim Un got the idea after witnessing the great success of twitch.tv streamer NoHandsKen, who plays MMORPGs using the Jouse 3.

“Now he can just lay there like a fucking invalid,” Whuey said, “and continue to level up.”

Whuey praised Great Leader’s efficiency. He said he routinely feeds Un Cokes while the dictator, connected to various tubes and monitors, lies practically motionless aside from his constantly twitching mouth.

“For a while we had him hooked up to feeding tubes and a catheter,” Whuey said. “He looked like Darth Vader. We thought it was really cool.”

But Whuey said the catheter offered Great Leader little in the way of sexual creativity.

“He was laying on a human bed afterall,” Whuey explained. “So I said, ‘Why not just plug your dick into one of those young girls from the villages? You spend all this time gaming out on the human bed, so why not enjoy a human catheter?”

“Every so often he will thrust his hips,” Whuey said, “And you can tell he sort of enjoys that, sort of half-banging that young lady, and using her as a toilet also.”

Some medical problems have arisen by no fault of the leader. The girl has begun to yellow from jaundice, Whuey said, and became sick from Un’s waste.

“She appears to be dying from an extremely preventable embolism,” he said. “It is the kind of thing that can be avoided under normal circumstances, but this was best for the country.”

Journalist and geopolitical expert Geraldo Rivera said the People’s Revolution and Juche Ideology did not fully disseminate into Un’s heightened consciousness, but was attenuated by generations of inbreeding.

“He’s a third generation dictator,” Rivera, who is a noteworthy detractor of the DPRK, said. “By the time you get that far it’s all a life of delusion.”

Nancy Grace has publicly condemned the dictator’s salacious lifestyle, saying his decadent fantasies-come-true are a distraction from world politics.

“If you ask me,” Grace said, “he probably spent too much time a-layin on that human bed and not enough watching his empire.”