BROOKLYN—Kick off the layers, ladies, and I’m talking about those babies! Because “abortion showers” or “baby busters” in Korea, have taken the neighborhood of Bushwick by storm, transferring money for goods and services style.

First of all, congratulations…

Although this pregnancy may be coming to an end, you’ve still got something to spend for.

LEBAL-DROCER.COM has got what you need, and if you don’t need it, after trying it just once you’ll have to have it for the rest of your whole miserable life. Because once you taste this, you’ll understand that’s why we call it TerrorMax™.

One dark day you will realize why Lebal Drocer is right now pleased to announce the Baby Buster Sale, starting this Friday, and running all through April and May.

I’m telling you for the last time that in the same way a baby’s an illness that’s treatable, these bargains are downright unbeatable.

It’s a Steam Summer Sale for people who have sex!

WHAT’S IN THE BOX

it’s got

• Pregnancy test, make sure it’s gone
• Poppers and streamers
• Baby Dust
• Poppers
• Champagne and cokcaine kit, with vintage style mirror like it came off an old car. You’re drinking for one, now.
• Tissue box for if you regret it, which happens
• America’s running concentration camps in El Salvador, okay do you really want to shit something out directly into this pit of despair.

Hi, I’m Dr. Troubadour. I was reading today story bout a scientist who got sad when his wife died. committed the rest of his life – decades to the torture of helpless baby monkeys for months on end, just to prove that they can suffer. Hey, yeah, thanks for that wealth of knowledge, Harry Harlow. I’m a modern feminist Doctor for the Modern Woman, and I think you know what means. I sell books, magazines, medicine, cars. Lebal Drocer, they do some good in this world, too. That’s why we partnered to create an abortion pill that is meant to be crushed up and snorted like xanax. Make the next one a molly, because that’s in there too.

In case we haven’t made ourselves clear, this deal is a limited-time offer. Abort that shit now Margot, because next weekend you are going to Florida with five of your very best drinking buddies.

[Editor’s note: This sad news comes as iconic child pop star Justin Bieber died after years of abuse at the hands of an industry designed to exploit and destroy him, and no one tried to stop it—A senseless, terrible tragedy that could have been avoided with a Baby Buster Baby Dust Bust Shower {Party}]

HOROSCOPES

ARIES

Over breakfast on the 27th, suspicions arise from unexpected places. Nobody knows anything about you. Trust the plan. Your lucky numbers: 3:15 a.m.

LEO

The sun in your sign illuminates that dumb expression on your face in line at the supermarket. Somehow everyone at the same time is going to notice you standing there, looking all fucked up and out of place. Someone mentions it to the store manager. An announcement will be made on the 24th. Keep your phone on.

PISCES

Present your birth certificate at LEBAL-DROCER.COM and PROVE you’re a Pisces. We will kill for you.

CUTHBERT, Georgia—Perhaps best known for his Internet Chronicle expertise, and his prolific work as a family doctor, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour has been a household name since 1999. But what many Americans might not know, is that Dr. Troubadour was recently made to attend community service by the courts, and has since graduated magna cum laude from the most prestigious clown college in the country, the Lebal Drocer School of Performing Arts in Los Angeles, California.

Dr. Troubadour, in search of neither fame nor fortune, but a secret third thing, never made a fuss over the important work he does entertaining at the children’s hospital, where kids are sick, braindead, or even dying.

The Internet Chronicle caught up to Troubadour, ahead of the scheduled time he said he would be exiting the hospital in full clown costume and makeup. This, according to a glossy pamphlet that comes with the press kit: a box that when you open it a flower springs to life, grows to maturity, and dies in front of you, before squirting out a mysterious fluid onto your clothes. Ever the prankster, Dr. Troubadour’s work gained him notoriety and recognition from around the world, such as the time he pranked the American people with TerrorMax, which Det. Mike Lambert with the Miami-Dade Sheriff’s Department says he substituted for over-the-counter Aspirin.

“He wasn’t even supposed to be involved in the manufacture process,” Lambert said. “Somebody let him into that Bayer chemical plant.”

Now, Troubadour is taking that silly spirit and bringing it to the children, who are laying there just a dyin in a hospital bed.

On Saturday, June 8, children were watching Columbo, with the sound off, in their beds when Troubadour exploded into the room. Hidden camera footage reveals the tender moment when Troubadour addresses the room for the first time, capturing their attention.

“Just got word from Nurse Bitchery says you little motherfuckers are all dying faster than the rest of us,” Troubadour said. “Well I got news for Nurse Bitch-Hole. SHE the one gonna have to live with all this death!”

The children erupted with laughter, cheering and applause. Dr. Troubadour was here. Right now. But they weren’t allowed to address him as such, for today, this was Stimky the Clown.

Stimky continued:

“Yeah I saw the look in her eyes, it’s taking its toll,” Stimky said, nodding enthusiastically as he scanned the room for smiles with wide open eyes. “It’s affecting her!”

Eight kids threw up their hands in jubilation. Stimky’s eyes rolled back in his head, as he wallowed openly in shared joy. However, he quickly regained his composure and began his opening remark.

“Now I know what you kids are thinking. Stimky. Your life is hell. How do you find it within yourself to be so god damn funny? Tell me how do you carry on, day in, and day out, with this Patch Adams horseshit? Tell me how. Okay. You want to know how I do it?” Dr. Troubadour said, in Stimky’s thick Brooklyn accent.

The children percolated with muted laughter, anticipating the punchline.

“Every morning, I look at my probation officer’s picture, and spit in his motherfucking face.”

The small audience of kids gasped and drew back. Troubadour recognized it was high time he started winning back this crowd.

“Maybe you kids don’t know what a probation officer is,” Stimky said. “Looking at some of you right now, I wish I was you.”

Stimky put on a clown nose and did his best silly walk, high stepping like Monty Python — a reference that missed the dying children by 50 years — as he demonstrated how he would go about kicking a corrections officer in the face, using a phrase he came up with on the spot in clown college:

“gak! gak! gak!”

With each cry, Troubadour did a sidekick, in perfect form.

BREAKING

BELOVED CHILDREN’S CLOWN DOCTOR ARRESTED

DR. TROUBADOUR ARRESTED, HELD WITHOUT BOND

It was at this point a nurse was called in and asked to stop the performance, ending Troubadour’s set with two hours left on the bill. He was escorted from the premise by the upstanding lawmen of Cuthbert Police Department, who were waiting outside for a signal.

“I didn’t want to see what was about to come out of that goofy medical bag,” Ranowski said. “He just had this look about him. You know? Like you could tell something wasn’t quite right.”

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour is being held without bond at Cuthbert City Jail. As such, Google Reviews for the facility have been removed in accordance with the Elite Privacy Cloud that follows wherever the doctor operates.