Vladimir Putin revealed his battle with testicular cancer, Wednesday.
MOSCOW—Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, announced Wednesday afternoon that he is currently undergoing treatment for testicular cancer. Testicular cancer affects over 50,000 people every year, but the survival rate for those who receive proper medical treatment is well over 90 percent.
Putin has been receiving chemotherapy in Finland since the Winter Olympics in Moscow, sources say. Doctors plan to remove Putin’s affected testicle in a surgical procedure called an orchiectomy.
Russian Citizens were crestfallen, but hopeful. Dmitri Yanuzhoye, a new Crimean citizen of Russia, told reporters, “One of Putin’s testicles is worth five pairs of American president testicles.”
Putin came to represent masculinity for men across the world, especially after masterminding a carefully veiled invasion of Crimea and eastern Ukraine earlier this year. John Thiessen, expert in geopolitics, said, “The US and its presidents come and go, never taking any serious risks and inevitably screwing up their poor attempts at paternalistic control over helpless nations, ever since Vietnam. But Putin’s balls have been pumping so much testosterone they’ve grown a tumor. He’s facing down the EU and the US, enemies he can never hope to defeat, every single day.”
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Georgia authorities are trying to determine how many people a news editor exposed to Ebola.
Cuthbert, Ga.—The CDC ordered chronicle.su staff members to stay home Friday and asked them not to enter their Cuthbert, Ga. office until it can be determined their squat of a newsroom is clear of the dreaded #Ebola virus.
“He tippy-tap-typed on that keyboard all god damn day, I guess I better disinfect it,” Kilgoar said, “as if he’s actually going to publish anything that might make us some money. And now the motherfucker’s got Ebola. Now he is Worthless.”
Beloved editor and author of several incomplete manifestos, Hatesec never made any money for the hatenest website on the internet, chronicle.su, Kilgoar said. “And now he won’t, because he’s dying from the #Ebola.”
When hatesec began hashtagging Ebola, fellow journalists thought it was a pitiful grab for retweets – and it was certainly that – but it also became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
While volunteering with Doctors Without Borders in West Africa, as he was known to do in his limited free time, @hatesec said he contracted Ebola after moving a pile of fresh bodies.
“I was helping this Chinese lady move bodies and because Obama cut our aide, we didn’t have anymore protective gear, so we just moved the bodies by hand,” #hatesec said. “And that Chinese lady, I don’t think even knew what Ebola was. I think she was unfit to work at the iPhone factory so they had her moving corpses.”
Hatesec blamed the Chinese woman for his ailment. “That bitch kept unfolding the blankets we were using as a stretcher and she had me touching blood. Now I’m fucked. I hope she is, too.”
The Chinese woman’s name, condition and existence have not been independently confirmed, but hatesec assured doctors that regardless of her condition, she is an ignorant asshole.
Hatesec is probably going to die because he could not afford his ObamaCare but even if he could, he maintains that ObamaCare is a form of socialism and roundly rejects its validity. So he will be stored in a plastic box where he can no longer contaminate society with his filthy body, and filthy ideals.
“Think about how handy FEMA coffins will be when the virus breaks out though,” Kilgoar said. “You’re going to want those plastic sealed containers. You don’t wanna burn up, that just lets it out. You want to lock it away in a plastic container.”
Leading Pathologist at Princeton University Dr. Angstrom H. Trouboladore, described the added danger of burning hatesec’s corpse, and other American corpses.
“You know what happens when you burn a body? Its internal organs — its stomach explodes, and it can squirt out fluids 20 feet away,” Trouboladore said. “It could happen, you know.”
Several flights were cancelled heading into and out of Cuthbert Friday.
NSA ‘second leaker’ says American CDC complicit in ‘conspiracy’ to spread Ebola virus. Former NSA contractor Edward Snowden confirmed the existence of a second leaker in September but said he acted alone.
DALLAS—As Ebola blooms in the United States, leaked emails suggest an insidious scheme to facilitate its spread throughout the nation.
Chilling new documents describe a real-life nightmare scenario intentionally unleashed on American citizens by the very agencies in whom we place our trust.
An aide to a health official who spoke on condition of anonymity has already confirmed the American Center for Disease Control, or CDC, are complicit in a state bioterrorism plot to unleash #Ebola on the American people. But how far does the conspiracy go?
Alana Horowitz reported Dallas Ebola patient Amber Vinson said the CDC directly gave her explicit permission to fly, fully aware of her condition ahead of time. She came into contact with more than 120 people and an entire staff of nurses at the Dallas hospital.
The hospital recently released a report noting that they are “underprepared” for an epidemic, yet the CDC waited three days to send hospital staff proper protective suits. Still, because hospital staff did not know how to properly remove and decontaminate the suits, the virus was allowed to spread.
Another patient spoke directly to CDC officials, who were aware of his condition, and they told him to sit outside in the waiting room with at least 30 other patients. He spent four hours moving around freely while health officials knew he had the disease.
Inside sources have already hinted that there are at least 12 new cases of Ebola the media has not yet reported, because they under federal orders not to say anything until the CDC can verify the virus has had enough time to spread.
As for why they would do it, there is no clear answer yet. Dr. Angstrom H. Trebolda, Assistant Director of the Hazmonic Health Institute in Colorado, said the CDC could be conducting open-air experiments to see how the public reacts to epidemics, or it could be a scare tactic to justify a growing need for FEMA expansion and domestic militarization.
“I think they want to know just what might happen,” Trebolda said. “It almost makes you mad our government would even consider this. They are shit-testing us with this Tuskegee experiment mentality, but we are human beings. Many people still don’t have health care, but there’s no profit to be made from curing the disease. It is a wide open experiment.”
President Obama has already ordered SWAT raids on Ebola patients and their families in Akron, Ohio, where the disease was confirmed Wednesday.
CHRONICLE.SU UPDATE – [EDITOR’S EDITION]: FOX NEWS’ SHEP SMITH COOPERATING WITH GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY TO HARM ITS OWN PEOPLE. SHEP SHAMES HIS OWN STATION:
Ebola panic is ‘not worth ratings … and we all need to stop it’ (click image for full story)
FOX NEWS Shep Smith says Ebola coverage a ‘waste of time and panic.’
