Category: Health

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As the one-year anniversary of the immediately successful launch of healthcare.gov approaches, the Obama administration has finalized plans to celebrate in a big way.

Or as press secretary Josh Earnest put it, “it’s gonna be fucking patriotic as shit—the American Way, fgts.”

After weeks of floundering from the administration on how they would celebrate Obama’s landmark law, the almost-universal, wholly-neoliberal, not-at-all-egalitarian Affordable Care Act, it seems that Obama has signed off on an elaborate, costly, and controversial ceremony to take place on the South Lawn at the White House on October 1st, the anniversary of the laws implementation.

What is the ceremony? What can we expect? How can we get tickets?

Hold your healthcare, Internet Chronicler! To answer your last question first, you won’t need to get tickets. The Obama Administration, the most in-touch-with-the-people administration ever, has made it so you do not even have to leave your couch to be part of history.

“Mr. Obama understands the incentive difficulty of physical activity when you have Affordable and full-coverage,” Earnest said. “That’s why every American will be able to watch the ceremony on their television set. They will be able to take part from the comfort of inside their over-valued houses.”

Vague, but a joint press release from the Offices of Health and Human Services and Treasury further clarified: “A mandatory $79.99 charge will be placed on all American credit, debit, EBT, etc. cards for the pay-per-view event on October 1. No exceptions.”

What about those of us who spent the wages we reserved for a tee-vee on our (Affordable) Obamacare bill?

Great question, citizen. Susan Rice, PBO’s National Security advisor, says that the NSA is working overtime to triangulate the ceremony directly to your smartphone, flip-phone, laptop, PC, “whatever… we’ll use your metadata to make sure you have access.”

This is a bold move from the administration. But, they see it as “participatory politics at its purest.”

So what is the ceremony?

Mr. Obama will be taking the Hippocratic Oath on the South Lawn and declaring himself Eternal Surgeon General. It is rumored that the first of hopefully many Death Panels will close the ceremony.

While the Hippocratic Oath is generally reserved for physicians, and Obama has absolutely no medical training whatsoever, the administration sees this as part and parcel in the solidification of Mr. Obama’s legacy, which now rests only on the admirable merits of: drone warfare; lawful NSA spying; the unprecedented, necessary War on Whistleblowers; the surge in Afghanistan; keeping Gitmo open; failure to close corporate tax loopholes; deciding not to prosecute those involved in the torture interrogation program; being a shitty father; etc.

“Like me, Mr. Obama knows the value of a good oath,” Bernie Madoff, who is expecting a Presidential pardon at the end of Obama’s term, said earlier today from his North Carolina prison cell. “I just hope my credit card won’t get declined so I can see the goddamn ceremony myself!”

God bless Obamacare. And God Bless the United States of America.