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Health World

Sheikh Umar Khan was 'targeted' and exposed to Ebola

Intentional Exposure: Dr. Sheikh Umar Khan was murdered while fighting Western efforts to spread the deadly ebola virus through Sierra Leone.
Intentional Exposure: Dr. Sheikh Umar Khan was murdered while fighting Western efforts to spread the deadly ebola virus through Sierra Leone.

Sierra Leone – Ebola is being used as a bio-weapon against dissidents in Western Africa who oppose Western influence, investigators report. New evidence even suggests many of the dead were connected to environmental movements in connection with an ongoing social revolution in the area.

“This is a disaster by design,” an investigator said, who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s really sad to see innocent victims dying for profit. But I should point out that we are used to it, because this is West Africa. Dr. Shiekh Umar Khan was targeted for assassination.”

“The police are watching me type this right now,” he said in an email. “There is literally nothing I can say to you they haven’t already read. By virtue of the fact I am not dead right now, the material has been vetted and approved for your consumption,” he stated. “Because we are safe to discuss NSA leaks, there are even scarier things happen that nobody is talking about. Khan’s assassins were clever to expose him to the very disease he was working to prevent. They arranged this ‘accident.'”

Chronicle staff is receiving up-to-the-minute investigative reports from inside Liberia that many victims of the “ebola virus” were organizing anti-corporate demonstrations. Radical community organizers against West African deforestation turned up dead after being exposed to the virus, although the source of the outbreak can not be identified. Two Americans exposed to the virus are being deported to the mainland so effects of the virus can be studied.

Our source warned that any person tangentially connected to anti-government and anti-corporate activity, conversations and rhetoric are subject to intentional ebola exposure by ‘unknown persons.’

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This isn’t a game.” – Raleigh T. Sakers

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, an investigator with the South African chapter of the World Health Organization, said the battle between the US and China to transform Africa into tomorrow’s sweatshop has turned the region into a proxy warzone, a diseased hellstate.

“The whole point of asymmetrical warfare is to defeat your enemy from within,” Troubadour said. “If asymmetrical warfare is going to be successful, then first you must compromise the country’s defenses against invasion.”

Troubadour said the government is targeting infrastructure, starting with hospital workers who could have prevented the disease from growing into a pandemic.

“They’re after hospitals, schools, our electric grid, our power supplies – our water supply,” Troubadour said. “They have to affect the degeneration from inside each African state. Khan’s death is just one example of many. Dead civilians create a backdrop of reality, giving you the sense that this is really happening.”

Categories
Entertainment Health Technology

Barack Obama's Top 5 Favorite Violent Videogames

Portrait of a killer: What drove Barack Obama to senseless murder?

Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2
Brought to you patriotically by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

‘Sup fellas! Six years into President Barack Obama’s indefinite rule, ‘the drone strike madman’ recently executed a series high-profile civilian murders referred to by analysts as “the Columbine of the Middle East.” Needless to say, Barry’s got a few of us here at the Chronicle wondering, “Dude, what did those weddings ever do to you?”

I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Trubadeur, and I have a Ph.D in child psychology. I have been watching Barack Obama for warning signs of a troubled childhood, and I am sad to report our “P” is extremely disturbed as a result of exposure to hyperviolent videogames.

For more than 30 years, I have studied the effects on violent videogames on children like Barry. I have published studies in Nature, New Scientist and The Internet Chronicle explaining how and why videogames negatively affect people’s behavior; how it affects their minds; how it affects their worldview; and in this case, how violent videogames led to the most unrelenting series of terrorist attacks ever conducted in human history.

As part of a crack team of Chronicle researchers, we are all searching for an answer to the same question: Why you gotta kill so many innocent people, Barry?

Modern Warfare 2

Former Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said Modern Warfare 2 would trigger “anger blackouts” in Barack and he became inconsolable until an innocent victim died in a simulated explosion.

“Barry used to play that predator drone mission over and over again,” Rumsfeld said. “We thought nothing of it, at the time. But little did we know, Barack Obama would go on to be even more evil – and less human – than I am.”

You can still see his eyes flicker every so often, as Barry reminds himself and others to ‘stay frosty.’

Tropico 4

Former Chief of Staff Angel Hyatt said Obama used to sit in his office at ACORN all day, deliberating with Penultimo over whether to pay the USSR immediately, or in bi-annual installments.

“You could tell he really wanted to become a hardline dictator someday,” Hyatt said. “Videogames allowed him to do that in a safe environment. Now that he’s president, who knows what dormant perversions lie in wait.”

Hyatt added that Barry’s success at Tropico was owed to the early issue of the Wiretapping and Secret Police edicts, available after appointing a Minister of Defense. “No uprisings here!” Barry gleefully announced.

“I’m looking at Obama for a fourth term,” Hyatt said. “He seems to enjoy the human bed.”

Coke Fiend 3

"hot coffee" in the face
This is the first Coke Fiend to feature a secret spousal abuse mini-game.

Barry loved every aspect of drug dealing: the profiteering, the exploitation, drug abuse – you name it. It certainly explains a lot about all the guns the CIA runs through Mexico.

His affinity for Coke Fiend 3 was more of a byproduct of an existing history of powermongering. There is little evidence to suggest the Coke Fiend game series led to an increase in Obama’s drug crimes, but Barry was encouraged to commit racist hate crimes against Haitian ‘marks’ that he still can not talk about today without flying into a celebrated “blind rage mode.”

Both parents admitted he was never the same after playing this MA-17 Rated game.

Benghazi Cover-Up Simulator 2014

Your main character powers up when FOX News discredits a legitimate search for answers by participating in it.

Barry may have hardened his icy demeanor – and cold, unchanging gaze – by advancing a virtual political agenda in this gross negligence simulator.

Barry got the multiplayer expansion during a Steam Summer Sale and invited Sec. of State Hillary Clinton to play the game with him. During that time, they developed a perverse, destructive relationship at the center of an ever-expanding web of lies.

The two have entered into a suicide pact.

EVE Online

Nothing else could explain Barry’s insatiable lust for power and corporate servitude than his bottomless addiction to EVE Online.

Thousands of hours of dedication to this space-capitalism MMO may have put Barry – and our nation – on a direct path to unchecked neoliberalism. EVE Online is a libertarian hellscape beyond the imagination of anything Ayn Rand could have ever invented.

Hyatt said Barry came out of the experience with a new vision: To turn America into a new center of commerce, in which millions – perhaps hundreds of millions – could participate voluntarily in their own enslavement.

With the illusion of choice and control, Barry sustains corporate livelihood with an economic model no other country can live up to: unregulated industrialization of covert prisons and warfare, fed by increasing the necessity of war itself.

Without EVE Online and the addictive hyperviolence of Coke Fiend 3, America’s 44th president might have been a man of the people. But as a result of overexposure to gruesome, sexual imagery he is neither man, nor person.

Categories
Health

10 Summer Health Tips by Dr. Troubadour

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Real doctor

Skincare Advice From Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour

Sup fellow dudes! I have come up with a totally badass plan to get you ready for the summertime. By following these 10 easy tips, you can battle the blistering heat coming off that god damn life-giving star in the sky.

1. Skin Cancer

Got an itchy mole? It might be cancer! Fear not, for Spring has sprung, and it’s never too late for fun in the sun. In fact, most scholars are paid to agree that a few hours in direct sunlight can dry up skin deformities. Take a nap on the river! It might just dry that worrisome mole right out. Don’t stand in front of a mirror worrying about $1,000 medical bills. If you’re an American like me, then chances are you can safely ignore the problem until it goes away. It worked for my marriage!

2. Fatigue

Are you tired all the time? Well, if it isn’t skin cancer, then it could mean you probably drink too much / too little caffeine. The key to any good wellness program is dialing in the perfect regimen of caffeine for your body. You’ll find that over time, this dosage might increase but it’s advantageous to your health to start each morning with a triple espresso and a 20 oz. bottle of Coke, and then see what you need from there. How much is too much? Your thyroid can tell you that.

3. Be Heart Smart

Are you having heart palpitations? Don’t be so fast to judge: Instead of blaming the caffeine as doctors are wont to do, it could be that you are suffering from stress. Stress is common in men going through tough relationships. It can be difficult to juggle work, the wife, bowling night, kids and the girlfriend. Stress kills. If you suffer from stress, figure out which one of these factors causes you the most stress, and strike it out of your life. Don’t be afraid of what might happen if you shut out the mistress, or cut kids from your will. What’s important right now is You. Trust me. I’m a doctor.

Family fighting for father's favor
Families are a breeding ground for heart disease. One of these risk factors has to go.

4. Hydration

It can be difficult to stay hydrated in the hot summer months. Be sure to drink plenty of energy drinks and beer to help you stay cool, colorful and refreshed. With the inclusion of beer into your morning energy drink, your family will love your newfound good humor and confidence.

5. Get healthy. Get drunk!

Worried about what healthy options to serve at the 4th of July cookout? A pound of red meat and hotdogs might be patriotic, but it can also clog up your fragile American colon. Wash that burger down with eight ounces of greens and a pint of beer. The greens will scrape the meat off your bowels and the beer will dissolve it like soda, except it’ll get you drunk, too!

6. Hearing Protection Looks Stupid And Hurts Your Ears, Too

When shooting guns, be careful with ear protection. It can get pretty uncomfortable wearing ear muffs for hours at a time, and it can even chafe the skin, so don’t be afraid to take them off and let freedom ring out into the night. The high tone in your ears is like the chimes of freedom: piercing, violent and oftentimes oppressive. It is your patriotic duty to hear them, and make others hear it, too. Enjoy those sounds now, for you may never hear the same frequency again.

7. Party Hard, Sleep Harder

Taking plenty of Benadryl before bed can help you catch up on much-needed heavy, medicated sleep. Take yourself about eight of these tiny, pink allergy tablets to enjoy up to nine(!) hours of uninterrupted sleep. If you wake up in the middle of the night, it’s probably because you are suffering from pulmonary edema and/or cardiogenic shock. (You shouldn’t have taken so many Benadryl, dude!) If this happens, don’t forget to breathe.

It might look like this woman is in a coma, but she's having the best sleep of her life.
It might look like this woman is in a coma, but she’s having the best sleep of her life.

8. Get Faded

Now that you’re on Obamacare, you can stop smoking all that wacky tobaccy and enjoy a cheap, legal high. Tell doctors your feet hurt and watch the vicodin start pouring in! “Beauty is skin-deep.” Smoking damages your skin. But pills only hurt you on the inside.

9. Show The Sun Who Is Boss

Stare directly at the sun until it hurts. Then, look away. This prevents negative thoughts.

10. Don’t Bathe

The most damaging thing we can do to our skin is wash it with acidic soaps and body wash. During the summer, you will naturally sweat and dirt will clog up your pores. The combined dirt and sweat harden fast to create a protective carapace around your flesh. Wear it proudly, and all your friends will remark how smart you are. And healthy!