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US Presidents under increasing threat of rap battle. Sources report: ‘These mixtapes are fire’

Being President means living under constant threat of sudden rap battles.
Being President means living under constant threat of sudden rap battles.

Washington, D.C. — King Obama stands up from a throne of human bones and walks onto the balcony overlooking Pennsylvania Avenue.

‘Today is the day,’ he thinks. ‘Today it is finally going to happen.’

Having entered his third stage of molting, Obama sheds a hard carapace, revealing a slick, soft hide. It is as dark and supple as fresh eggplant. He takes a slime bath, half-listening to automated daily reports from the Drone Front.

“Minions come,” Secret Service reports. “They bring mad skills, and street smarts, to boot!”

Challenge them, the President orders. “Best them in rhyme, lest they receive a smackdown, as I lay the beat down in straight time.”


Stop. Does this scenario sound familiar?

Presidents have long faced threat of impromptu rap battles with constituents in hotly contested Mean Streets, going as far back as William Taft, whose infamous red-pill flow eradicated flappers before the end of his presidency in 1930.

Evelyn Bruckheimer, 109 years old, recalls the William H. ‘Daft’ Taft Brooklyn smackdown of 1928.

“It was balls to the wall rhymes, son,” Bruckheimer said. “It was the literally the worst thing to happen to New York that decade; that is, until the Stock Market Crash of ’29.”

New sources indicate Taft’s explosive rhymes triggered a speculation frenzy, crashing markets within the year.

“As bad as it was, people didn’t self-immolate because the stock market [emphasis added] ruined their lives,” Bruckheimer confessed. “You want to know the truth? Taft’s mix-tape was straight fire, G. Believe me.”

Wise up on the streets, Mr. President, or it could happen to you. Can Obama rhyme like Taft? I am not ready to find out.

This has been a public service announcement by Lebal Drocer. Busting out the baby rhymes since them elfwax days. And confused.

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Politics

The False Choice of American Politics: The Socialist Party of America website is useless and ugly

Bernie SandersWashington, DC — The absolution of two-party control over American voters is so strong that actual voter fraud is neither necessary nor would it even be detectable if such a need were to arise.

The Socialist Party of America is suspiciously ugly. When compared to the Democratic and Grand Old Party party websites, the Socialist website seems intentionally bad, like they don’t want to have a modern image.

Of course, looks aren’t everything. It would be excusable if, like the Vice website used to be, the portal was ugly but the work was good, or the representatives existed. However, there is nothing on the Socialist Party USA website to suggest their power extends beyond three shitty state-level representatives, one in New Jersey, New York and some state out west.

On the other hand, the site of Democratic Socialists of America looks new, focused and poised to attack. Democratic socialism is a logical response to the money-crazed fanaticism of Democrats and Republicans, as it seeks to maintain the fundamental basis of capitalism with greater controls of worker rights, adherence to 40-hour work weeks and weekends, and free healthcare. Unfortunately, they’ve already sold themselves out to a very popular and charismatic centrist. The third page on their site is a hashtag: #WeNeedBernie (do we?)

Watch the Twitter hashtag to see people falling for it.

Let’s pretend for a second like we need a career politician like oldguy Bernie Sanders. Yes, he’s “an Independent” but so is Jumpin’ Joe Lieberman, a notoriously corrupt piece of filth. More importantly, he is a career politician. Who remembers 2007 when we “needed” Barack Hussein Obama? Sure, we needed everything he claimed to offer – which, just hearing him utter controversial opinions was revolutionary, and America just had to see what would happen if he got in. He offered: transparency, ending wars for profit and ending mass surveillance. Instead, powermongering hatefiends belonging to the Obama administration read our emails and record citizens’ phone calls, forcing Facebook and Google to share our data with them, they instigate wars whose profiles exist only to refuel Arab hatred for the USA in order to feed the greed of Lockheed-Martin and Boeing, and his administration prosecutes more whistle-blowers than any president in US history. What the fuck!

So after the rising reasonable group of kids turned into adults and saw the extent to which career politicians lie, why are political parties in the US still exclusively Republican or Democratic? Both sides represent competing, high-level financial interests that don’t concern the majority, peppered with their own draconian versions of uncalled-for social controls, both sides offering solutions no one asked for to the weakest and least pressing problems Americans face, like gun control or abortion, two issues which are constitutionally laid out and don’t really need all the hate politicians continuously lay on it, at least not when the police are acting like rabid dogs and motherfuckers can’t find work outside of the new Wal-Mart that sprang up just outside city limits last year.

Political initiatives are so irrelevant and out-of-touch Bernie Sanders might as well introduce new regulations to curb animal waste downtown from overuse of the horse and carriage. How many more career politicians do you motherfuckers intend to vote for? Do #WeNeedBernie? Yeah, sure, #WeNeedBernie, according to the Democratic Socialists of America. It has been eight years since we heard somebody talking tough, saying all the shit we never thought we’d hear a politician say, and thankfully Bernie’s saying it. Here comes Obama II. We’ve had eight years to forget politicians are allowed to say whatever it takes to gain votes and get elected. It has been eight years of unchecked neoliberal corporate tyranny, enabled by Obama, facilitating modern-day indentured servitude in the form of stagnant, unsustainable wages, systematic rape of the land, usurping of environmental controls, and rampant police brutality, as well as the opportunity to witness the middle class lose access to medicine and treatments while paying more for their “insurance” at the same time. No thanks. Just give me the death panels. Put me on the death panels.

Neither the Republican nor Democratic party represents the average American, but by maintaining a relatively poor quality public discourse on American “news” outlets (propaganda holes) such as CNN, FOX News, MSNBC and local news outlets whose go-to primary sources are the police, both parties – our “only” choices – continue to maintain a mutually beneficial death grip on the populace. The absolution of their control over American voters is so strong that actual voter fraud is neither necessary nor would it even be detectable if such a need were to arise.

To hear straightforward, factual presentations of events, Americans turn to other countries’ news outlets such as The Guardian, Al Jazeera and BBC. To watch Al Jazeera or the BBC, however, Americans who have left cable TV behind are forced to use virtual private servers that make our Internet connections appear British, because authentic news stations like BBC and Al Jazeera – to remain sustainable – forged agreements with cable and satellite companies like Comcast, Cox and Dish Network to block American access to their Web content under the premise we will sign up for premium cable packages to gain access to the real news. But people are lazy and especially cheap. Shit like CNN and FOX is free because it’s shit. So it is very difficult to get honest video news in the US, which again makes it difficult to access other political ideologies since the big two control the media with more money every election cycle, a staggering monetary figure that continues to climb, going unchecked for some fucked up reason by the Federal Election Commission. In 2008, Americans spent $5.3 billion on federal elections to get a guy elected into a job that pays $400,000 per year. We here at The Internet Chronicle consider ourselves gambling men, so we know a rigged game when we see one.

“It’s rigged, bros!”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, CHRONICLE.SU Political Scientist

The Democrats vehemently deny their socialist ties as FOX News attacks them year after year. The hilarious irony is that they’re right. The Democrats are so far from socialism that an objective analyst from the height of the Cold War would swear they’re the good guys. If neoliberal Democrats are “leftist” then what the fuck is Germany’s Pirate Party, or François Hollande, or Canada, for that matter?

In other news, local TV news anchors look terrified of everything.

local-news-anchor

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News

SEX SCANDAL: Casey Anthony ‘barebacked’ Barack Hussein Obama – Casey cums to Washington

Casey Anthony wearing the American flag - the colorsOral sex in the Oval Office is something like a rite-of-passage for any American president. Kennedy had Monroe. Clinton had Lewinsky. Both Bushes had Barbara. And for the first time, the Internet Chronicle can reveal: Obama had Anthony.

Casey came to Washington shortly after a Florida jury found her—rightfully, dutifully, judiciously—not guilty of killing her two-year old daughter Caylee. With her big ole titties strapped tightly to her chest and her conscience as clear as a liter of chloroform, Casey was greeted at Dulles airport by Obama’s former chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, who had arranged the meeting at the behest of the president after being struck by her “natural, celestial” beauty on the tube.

“What can I say?” Emanuel said by phone. “Barry needed to get his rocks off. We were balls deep in this healthcare battle, Benghazi, Abdulrahman. It all was starting to add up. Not to mention Michelle was menopausal, so that hole wasn’t exactly a moist prospect for our country, if you catch my drift.”

When Anthony arrived at the White House that evening, the president wined and dined her with the White House’s finest.

“Casey comes from good stock, a real classy broad,” said Obama’s executive chef, Sam Kass. “We weren’t going to pour her from a box of Franzia. No, we broke out the Chateau Margaux that night.”

Their meeting lasted the entirety of the evening. Though details about the specifics of their doings are kept firmly under wrap, Emanuel let slip that the president did, in fact, show her that weeks copy of his so-called “kill-list”—a list of potential drone strike victims, made up mostly of innocent women and children in Bedouin villages.

“I can only guess that he wanted her input, her expertise,” Emanuel said. “He admired her cold, detached demeanor. It’s what the job dictates: killing children. And even though Casey is 100%, totally, unquestionably innocent, PBO knew he could glean some insight from a person who had at least suffered the same type of uninformed horseshit hysteria and accusations from the liberal Jew media.”

Emmanuel did confirm, off-the-record (oops), that Mr. Obama got fellated by Anthony that night in the Oval Office. His “first blow-jay in the O.O.,” as a former chief of staff of the Obama administration-turned-mayor of Chicago put it.

“Surprised it took him that long,” Dr. A.H.T. Roubadour, professor of American History at South Carolina Technical Community College, said in an interview Wednesday. “You know what? That might be the first interracial hummer to take place in the Oval Office… no, no. I forgot. 43 performed cunnilingus on Condoleezza a couple times. But that’s not the same thing.”

Commenting further on the tradition of the situation, Dr. Roubadour added, “It’s a competition for these Alpha’s. As one former president put it to me (Carter): If you’re gonna get your johnson smoked, the more extra-marital the better.”

When reached for comment by the Chronicle, Casey only said, “Bella Vita, bitches.”

SHOCKING IMAGES FROM CASEY’S D.C. SEX ROMP