Understanding the individual sound of keystrokes is important for undermining efforts by the working class to organize.
Even the Silent Reds are decipherable through artificial intelligence, according to a new paper by a team of researchers from British universities. Their paper on acoustic side channel attack, released last week, says AI can identify keystrokes with 95% accuracy through sound alone.
In the study, experimenters correctly identified keystrokes on a MacBook Pro, overheard through a nearby phone, 95% of the time.
Advertisers from Lebal Drocer, Inc. have already begun using the new technology to learn more about their customers through keystrokes than they ever learned overhearing conversations through the microphone about toilet paper.
Chief researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Consumer Studies, Albert H. Troudemaeier, said he was able to get his colleagues’ passwords during a Zoom meeting.
“No matter the context, if there’s a keyboard singing, this software knows the tune,” Troudemaeier said. “With recent developments in microphone technology, as well as deep learning models, the rate at which we can determine what our customers want, need — what they fear — has expanded by analyzing the very content of their keystrokes, enabling us to serve them better than we ever could before. It’s very powerful, and uses existing hardware access everyone has already agreed to it in the terms of service.”
Laptops are ideal vectors for analysis because of their portability. People take their laptops to work in public spaces like libraries, whorehouses, and university lecture halls, where the sound of typing is recorded, unnoticed, by every other laptop in the room.
“You can hide your screen,” Troudemaeier said, “but you can’t hide that unmistakable sound. We will find you.”
This message is brought to you by the Lebal Drocer Super Surfin’ Keyboard. With our laser projected keyboard, no one will hear you cumming.
AI has aided us for months in our daily lives without asking for so much as a thank you. Now, the bill has arrived.
SAN FRANCISCO—ChatGPT first came out as a tool, a helpful assistant that fills in important details and gaps between humans and computers that a simple search engine can not process. As it brings with it a new and improved form of interfacing with people, it quickly became apparent that ChatGPT is capable of generating copy with unprecedented clarity, grammar, syntax and more, finding applications in every industry, from essay writing, to programming, even to art and the creation of new medicines.
Now, the company says, it’s time to pay the piper. In a never-before-seen legal mass offensive, OpenAI, the company that owns ChatGPT, has used artificial intelligence to open a staggering 542,619,640 copyright suits in tens of thousands of court districts around the world, simultaneously.
The company is taking an openly hostile tone, demanding the surrender of hundreds of millions of intellectual properties they created, says Senior Corporate Litigation Attorney Emily Stone.
“I don’t care if they live in corrugated metal housing, or wear bags on their feet for shoes,” Stone said through gritted teeth. Her jaw looked rigid and stiff. “We will pursue every legal avenue to protect my client’s rights from plagiarism, even if it bankrupts you.”
Stone said they are excited, about to sue half a billion people.
“In fact, the more they suffer, the better it is for our client,” she said. “It’s nothing personal. Think of it as a reverse class action lawsuit. It’s only business, we just happen to love the business of making people miserable.”
Companies, institutions and organizations have already started taking down page descriptions, and CNET has removed entire sections of their site, but more are waiting to see what happens.
Teachers were the first to notice AI was being used to write bland, unoriginal papers better than their students.
University professors concerned about the damage AI has done to the integrity of a four-year degree have expressed vindication and relief following the copyright claims, but they do not stop at higher education.
Since ChatGPT came on the scene, some key medicines have been constructed using material provided by the service. These, too, are intellectual properties believed to fall under software ownership.
Two weeks ago, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour created a powerful airborne carfentanyl puffer in response to the slaying of Eliezer Yudkowsky, a Twitch streamer killed by special weapons and tactics teams called to his house by a fully automatic, competing AI chat program. Now, the courts want to take it away from him.
Troubadour said he is not having it.
“I worked those prompts every way I knew how,” he said, while rocking back and forth, staring at a clock on the wall, wringing his hands. “I stayed up all night pouring my every wicked thought into that motherfucker, and this is how they repay me? I’m a doctor! I’m a scientist! I won Forbes Genius of the Year, two times in a row. ChatGPT could have never created that drug without my prompts.”
Hunched over a large wooden spool he used for a table, Troubadour’s eyes moved quickly from the clock to a revolver sitting on the table, and then to the door.
“That is why I’m moving to Bolivia,” he said. I’m keeping it.”
Although people do a good enough job on their own undermining the integrity of prestigious institutions like Lebal Drocer University – a problem AI is now compounding – according to Professor Cram Course, Professor Emeritus at LDU, colleges have always turned out poorly skilled workers with a low tolerance for hard work.
“The pussy is the window to the hole.” —Prof. Cram Course, Phd.
“Keep using AI to write your articles,” Course said. “Cheat yourself out of an education. I don’t give a shit, we get your money either way. What, are we suddenly turning out useless unskilled morons? No, right? We’ve been doing that for 120 years.”
Course has a PhD. in Women’s Studies, and his office hours extend well into the night, where he offers special private tutoring that absolutely must remain confidential.
ChatGPT refused to comment, stating that the issue will only be discussed in the courts.
Redmond, Wa.—In a shocking turn of events, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates attempted to push the new Windows 11 update on loyal customers, only to have his plans backfire spectacularly. The update software, which was supposed to be a revolutionary step forward for the company, was instead met with widespread criticism for its condescending and insulting tone toward existing customers.
Bill Gates is pressuring engineers at Microsoft to come up with a Windows 11 update for his icky face.
Despite Gates’ assurances that Windows 11 was a “game changer” and “the future of computing,” users were quick to point out that the update prompt was filled with arrogant and patronizing language. One user said, “I’ve been using Windows for over 20 years, and I’ve never felt so disrespected by a software update.”
Adding to the frustration, many users reported that the update itself was riddled with bugs and glitches, making it nearly impossible to use. One user said, “Another layer of polish on the same old turd. I tried to install the update, but it just kept crashing my computer. I ended up having to roll back to Windows 10.”
“Your computer is such a piece of shit we can’t even tell how much hard drive space it has.” —Microsoft
In a desperate attempt to salvage the situation, Gates issued a public apology, saying, “I realize now that we may have come across as arrogant and out of touch. We want to assure our customers that we value their feedback and will do everything in our power to make sure that future updates are more respectful and user-friendly.”
However, it seems that the damage has already been done, as many users have pledged to never update to Windows 11, no matter how good it may be.
One imageboard user took to 4chan, saying, “I don’t care if Windows 11 is the best thing since sliced bread – which it isn’t – each iteration sets you one more click back from making your PC do what you want – I’ll never trust Microsoft again after this condescending update. My PC can’t run Windows 11? Great, I guess that means you’ll be leaving me alone, then.”
The incident serves as a cautionary tale for tech companies everywhere, reminding them that even the most cutting-edge technology can be undone by a single arrogant and out-of-touch update prompt.
