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Religion Technology

ISIS issues Fatwa against Reddit

The Caliph of the Islamic State issued a Fatwa against Reddit.
The Caliph of the Islamic State issued a Fatwa against Reddit.

INTERNET—Caliph Ibrahim al-Badri al-Samarrai of the Islamic State issued a Fatwa against Reddit after a user known as “jewishvirgin” posted an insulting depiction of the prophet Muhammed.

The founder of Islam was drawn crudely as a pig defecating rainbows, his face covered in phalluses.

Pigs are not eaten by adherents to most Islamic traditions, and Christians have demonized Muslim leaders with accusations of homosexuality since the medieval age. The Caliph promised to hunt down and behead any Redditors captured within the Islamic State’s territory.

Other more moderate Islamic clerics and Christian religious leaders denounced the cartoon, expressing outrage at Reddit’s snide and divisive humor.

Emir Ibn-Al Rahman told reporters, “The Islamic world is more angered and outraged by ISIS than the Christian world, and this kind of a thing only further divides Christians and Muslims.”

Pope Francis grew angry when commenting on the cartoon, even growling as he said, “I’ve reactivated the inquisition, and any Catholic who shares or promotes this material or anything like it will find themselves excommunicated.”

Internet sociologist and expert on trolling culture, Dr. Cecilia Darwin, said, “Such offensive humor used to be relegated to more seedy corners of the Internet such as 4chan, but it seems Reddit has increasingly grown into a hate machine beyond anyone’s wildest imagination, perhaps officially ushering in an age of ceaseless religious wars that will be increasingly spurned on by trolls.”

Shifting her glasses and shaking nervously, Dr. Darwin added, “They should know that conflict trolling is no laughing matter, and that people will die because of this harmful joke.”

UPDATE: After news of the Fatwa reached moderators of /r/funny and /r/WTF, the offensive threads and links to the image were removed from Reddit.

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Categories
Technology

New Microsoft boss did “so much” cocaine prior to Windows 10 announcement: “We’re skipping 9″

“I did THIS MUCH cocaine.” — New MS boss Satya Nadella announced at a business event that he can not feel his hands

In an unprecedented act of self-hatred, Microsoft has announced it will distance itself from the hilariously bad Windows 8 by refusing to name the next build generation Windows 9.

“Windows 10 will be so fucking badass,” a visibly AMPED Terry Myerson, head of the operating systems group, told the audience. “It would be pretty fucked up to call it Windows 9. Is it hot in here to you?”

The company said users were hesitant to click big empty tiles that only took them to websites to buy software and media content, which was of course loaded onto the “real” Windows experience, with the taskbar on the bottom of the screen and the Windows button, prompting many to question why there were tiles at all.

“We tried to get people to click on Tiles and buy stuff to put in their tiles but nobody wanted that shit. It was patronizing, ugly, and very fucking pointless,” a totally psyched Satya Nadella, new Microsoft boss, said. “I mean, Jesus Christ, how are you guys not burning up in this heat?”

“All the even numbered Windows builds suck, and all the odd-numbered builds did very well,” Nadella said. “So in light of the miserable, ass-sucking failure that is Microsoft Windows 8, we hope to recover from our missteps by skipping Windows 9 altogether and going straight to 10. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s how much cocaine I just did. Now for fuck’s sake, will someone turn on the god damn AC?”

Comments:

asshurtmacfags:
fucking AMPED
sweating like a BOSS

hatesec:
I can see that guy doing coke in his underwear
talkin about how AWESOME Windows 9 is gonna be.
and then it comes to him
“Dude, you know what? Fuck it.”
“What Satya?”
“Just, fuck it. Get this: Windows *10*.”
and the room explodes into a roar
people get on the phone ordering more 8 balls
everybody’s got their faces down on the table
Windows 10, my fucking sweet GOD

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Categories
Law Technology

Richard Stallman Arrested for Criminal Negligence

INTERNET—After the notorious “shellshock” bug was found, embedded irresponsibly in millions of computers by Richard Stallman of the free and open source GNU platform, Stallman was charged with criminal negligence and may face over 50 million years in jail when convicted of all five million counts.

Critics believe that Stallman went far beyond negligence and actually inserted the bug purposefully, in order to diminish American computer security.

Bill O’Reilly, of the O’Reilly factor, said:

“This Stallman nerd filled his software with holes and said he made it for free. Obviously there’s more to this crime than investigators know, but could it be that one computer nerd has been siphoning trillions of dollars out of our economy and into the hands of enemies and terrorists for decades? Just how is it that Japan has had smartphones and wireless technology capable of streaming full HD since the early 90’s? I blame Richard Stallman.”

Stallman is being held in solitary confinement without bail and will face trial in April of 2025.