In an unprecedented act of self-hatred, Microsoft has announced it will distance itself from the hilariously bad Windows 8 by refusing to name the next build generation Windows 9.

“Windows 10 will be so fucking badass,” a visibly AMPED Terry Myerson, head of the operating systems group, told the audience. “It would be pretty fucked up to call it Windows 9. Is it hot in here to you?”

The company said users were hesitant to click big empty tiles that only took them to websites to buy software and media content, which was of course loaded onto the “real” Windows experience, with the taskbar on the bottom of the screen and the Windows button, prompting many to question why there were tiles at all.

“We tried to get people to click on Tiles and buy stuff to put in their tiles but nobody wanted that shit. It was patronizing, ugly, and very fucking pointless,” a totally psyched Satya Nadella, new Microsoft boss, said. “I mean, Jesus Christ, how are you guys not burning up in this heat?”

“All the even numbered Windows builds suck, and all the odd-numbered builds did very well,” Nadella said. “So in light of the miserable, ass-sucking failure that is Microsoft Windows 8, we hope to recover from our missteps by skipping Windows 9 altogether and going straight to 10. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s how much cocaine I just did. Now for fuck’s sake, will someone turn on the god damn AC?”

Comments:

asshurtmacfags:
fucking AMPED
sweating like a BOSS

hatesec:
I can see that guy doing coke in his underwear
talkin about how AWESOME Windows 9 is gonna be.
and then it comes to him
“Dude, you know what? Fuck it.”
“What Satya?”
“Just, fuck it. Get this: Windows *10*.”
and the room explodes into a roar
people get on the phone ordering more 8 balls
everybody’s got their faces down on the table
Windows 10, my fucking sweet GOD

INTERNET—

Taylor Fenderson of Roanoke County, Virginia announced the invention of solar powered 3d printed drones.

Mr. Fenderson winked and told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “Watch this.” Hundreds of drones formed a swirling mass, not unlike a cyclonic school of fish in the ocean, and suddenly the infernal buzzing machines hovered, clearly forming a wall that was shaped like Fenderson’s face. Fenderson snapped his finger and the drones dissipated into Southwest Roanoke County, which is now firmly under his control.

“Dear friends,” he said before using the most cryptic terms, “There is no reason to be alarmed. I believe the singularity has arrived, and be glad.”

At this moment what must have been in some estimations as many as ten thousand drones blotted out the clear evening skies above, and the gathered crowd shouted in terror, one declaring “He is the Devil!” and another, “God save us, the gates of hell have been thrown open!”

Fenderson’s eyes grew cold as he looked directly into WDBJ7’s cameras, demanding residents bring him all the graphics processing chips in the valley for a municipal bitcoin mining operation. Fenderson wants to fund the world’s fastest fiber optic network for residents of the valley only, using a newly discovered photonic switching process discovered by MIT. Taylor said, “Roanoke is situated in a uniquely defensible position, and as I speak drones are covering the highways with pebbles, shoring up the armor-proof chain of mountains that surround us on all sides. No aircraft is permitted to enter Roanoke’s air space. Attempt no landings in Roanoke.” At that, Fenderson retreated into his Bunker and those who attempted to follow him and ask questions found themselves surrounded and their senses assaulted by the klaxons of hundreds of drones.

Some citizens took to the streets with shotguns, attempting to shoot down drones but finding themselves surrounded and disabled by the drones’ horrendous sonic weaponry. Such a day of woe and terror was never seen in Roanoke since the troubles in 1893.