Category: Society

Aww, look! They think they’re people!

Comcast deploys military police to Ferguson, MO

Post author By Hatesec
Post date September 7, 2014
2 Comments on Comcast deploys military police to Ferguson, MO

The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.

In an unprecedented display of power, the telcom giant Comcast has stationed a battery of private paramilitary forces around the insurrecting township of Ferguson, MO.

The industry giant’s spokesman, Jeremy Malestrong, said the need for intervention became apparent when existing customer service measures proved insufficient to quell the bubbling uprising.

The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal. — The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to “kill on sight” any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.

“The free market has a solution for Ferguson,” Malestrong said. “State and local customer service representatives armed with tanks, teargas and M-16s are not enough if the agents are unwilling to use them. Our Comcastic death squads will ensure the kind of customer service Comcast users are accustomed to by restoring stability to the region and answering Ferguson citizen complaints, all – and I mean all – of whom are loyal Comcast customers.”

Malestrong said privatized oppression is the next logical step of customer satisfaction, adding that the coming merger with Time Warner Cable could offer a direct solution to the problem of choice.[pullquote]There will be only one source of Internet: us!

Comcast representative[/pullquote]

“After the merger, our customers will no longer be forced into the uncomfortable decision of choosing where to go for the best Internet,” Malestrong said. “There will be only one source of Internet: us!”

Lieutenant Harry Coinpurse of the Ferguson County branch of Comcast customer service issued a press release stating that with the arrival of paramilitary hate forces, the Ferguson Police Department is free to return to the day-to-day police work of pulling over black people and asking where they’re headed.

“By way of the marriage of neoliberalism and socialized oppression,” Coinpurse stated, “we are proud to announce the dispersal of ALL dissatisfied Comcast customers, and will be expanding the curfew to include daytime hours so that you are safer indoors and have more time to spend on your secure, not-at-all monitored Comcast high speed Internet featuring 99.9% uptime.”*

Ferguson residents have issued a slew of responses to their reiterated enslavement ranging from satisfied, to very satisfied. In a survey at the end of the call, at least half of respondents said they would recommend Comcast Systematic Oppression of Justice to a friend.

*Conditions may apply; does not pertain to the entire Internet, and especially not to chronicle.su.

Tags comcast, ferguson, militarization, missouri, police, xfinity

Hate Uncontrollable Patriotism

Police ‘Desperately Outgunned’ by Nonviolent Criminals, ‘Obama Study’ Shows

Post author By Hatesec
Post date August 26, 2014
11 Comments on Police ‘Desperately Outgunned’ by Nonviolent Criminals, ‘Obama Study’ Shows

Roanoke County Va. police officers cower behind one of only four humvees.

WASHINGTON – Raped by images of rioters menacing barely-armed peace officers, President Barack Obama received results from a comprehensive review of the Department of Defense program which hands down military-grade equipment to police departments in need.

What the study found was concerning: Obama said the shocking results of his study revealed police departments are not receiving enough decommissioned body armor, mine-resistant trucks, flashbang hand grenades and silencers, and forces nationwide are “desperately low” on illegal fully automatic rifles.

Executive of Freedom James Clapper said the findings deliver a staggering blow to police forces across the country operating in a culture of growing intimidation and fear.

“We’re taking their legs right out from under them,” Clapper said in a statement. “Without the advanced weaponry they need, our boys in blue are powerless to overcome ecstasy and pot dealers poisoning our youth from behind their videogames and Led Zeppelin regalia.”

Clapper said police forces are unable to escalate many situations beyond baseline paranoid hostility.

“Just the other day, one of our men went in without a gas mask and lost his bearings in a cloud of marijuana smoke. He couldn’t even shoot a dog that was asleep on the rug, threatening the safety of our fellow officers.”

Clapper concluded that “more guns, not less” is the only way to satisfy “a police officer’s natural bloodlust and desire to kill,” without the added responsibility of proper training and moral integrity.

Chief of Roanoke Police Department Rambo H. Atesic said his officers are dragging their knuckles around like apes, beating their chests in a savage display of impotent rage, setting up daytime checkpoints just to menace motorists in 5 o’clock traffic.

“Roanoke, Virginia just placed 1,000 package orders of midnight-black flak jackets, ski masks, rape sticks and explosive hollow-point rounds that spray awesome radioactive sand all over a crowd of demonstrators,” Atesic said. “So naturally, they’re itching to use it. Hell, I can’t fucking wait to shoot a dog, let alone some meaningless colored person.”

Atesic’s pupils dilated as wide as the iris, and a tiny flame flickered behind his hollow gaze.

“Our boys’ dicks are harder than Donkey Kong and there’s others that need oppressing,” Atesic surmounted. “Don’t take their guns away right when they need them the most. No sir, boys. We got a war to win. Now get out of my face with your camera, before I fucking kill you.”

Editorial News Politics Trolling Uncontrollable Patriotism

Of VICE and Men

The subject of Gavin McInnes being fired from the news outlet he created because of a piece he wrote was brought to my attention today through Justine Tunney’s article “In Defense of Gavin McInnes“. As a transwoman myself, I completely identify with Tunney’s words, however unpopular they may be. Not because I’m transgendered, but simply because she’s right. She speaks of freedom of expression and press, and as a journalist it frightens me that we can be torn from our own publication, have our families targeted and threatened with financial ruin by a mob of hysterical speech-hating cretins, simply for the words we write.

The public forums with integrated up/down-voting mechanisms for discussion, such as reddit, showed a rise in the idea that you could lessen the value of speech with the press of a button, not because it was wrong or because you rebutted with a superior counter-argument, rather because you just don’t like what you’re reading. It’s this mentality that has seeped into the minds of most people using the Internet, and it’s truly a testament to a willing erosion of our rights to express ourselves. When it becomes not about discussion, dialogue and diversity of opinion, but instead about censoring what we don’t agree with(along with trying to destroy the other persons life), we have truly lost our way.

I was featured in an article in VICE about a trolling organization I was a part of, known as the Rustle League. In the article I openly support the Westboro Baptist Church, not because I agree with them, but because they are one of the final bastions of freedom of speech in America and I will defend, to my death, their right to protest as many fags as they want. I also received threats because of that article.

Before that, I was included on an Australian television show about Internet trolling, where I was portrayed as the devil incarnate as a crowd of onlookers passed judgement before the show had even begun, not for what I said or had said, but because it could be said. The following week, I did an interview as a companion piece to the airing of the television show and the amount of vitriol spewed toward me in the comment section far exceeded anything I have ever said or done, but God bless them for saying it. It’s unfortunate the website had to close the comments section down because of the influx of troll-hating trolls being trolled into trolling, it made for quality trolling.

My tenure on the Internet spans from the mid-nineties to present and the amount of hatred directed towards me in a week is more than some people get in a lifetime. Does it bother me? No. Why? Because we all have a right to our opinions. What does bother me, however, is how quickly people will be there to try to take that right away and most of all, how successful they are.

Love it or leave it, just don’t delete it.