Category: Society
Aww, look! They think they’re people!
There once was a very nonspecific kind of master who was infinitely wealthy because he had a machine which never stopped making money. The master owned many trillions of slaves and did not want to lose his property, so he set up fences and guard towers which were manned at all times. Out of all the trillions, there was one young slave who was very strong and yearned for a life outside the fences. Time and time again, the slave escaped by overpowering the guards and blindly running into the darkness.
Once, the slave even made it to the north pole, but even then the master had enough money to hire men to hunt him down. Each time the strong slave was captured, he was lashed by the master’s guards as punishment. This may have been totally cruel, but it was the only way the master knew of to keep all of his trillions of slaves from running loose. When the slave received his lashings, he associated the pain with the feeling of pure freedom. The guards did not mind hitting the slave because it was their only true purpose anyway. Plus, the slave had injured their comrades many times while escaping, so most of them enjoyed it.
The continuing game between the slave and the guards became more unfair as they caught on to his behavior. Also, the master spent his infinite money on new ways to stop the slave. He built solid steel walls, dug deep trenches, and even installed cameras in the bathrooms. After a while, the master just had the slave locked away in a vault made of solid diamond.
While in the diamond chamber, The slave realized that the escapes were really a desperate and masochistic attempt at control. That was the only kind of freedom he had really ever wanted, the freedom to die at the hands of his master. Out of pity, the master let the slave out of the diamond chamber many years later. Rather than attempt another desperate escape, the slave killed a guard as soon as he had a chance. The other guards promptly shot the slave to death.
On Friday, I obtained a digital copy of the Book of the SubGenius. I noticed, upon completion of the download, a definite increase in the computer’s performance. The dark spots in my monitor became the deep black of a $10,000 OLED display, providing me with infinite contrast. I knew this was some serious magick, the binary equivalent of a fullblooded Yeti’s DNA… or possibly the grocery list of “Bob.” I read the entire damn thing in one sitting, sucked into a tunnel-vision vortex which was, looking back, definitely my own subconscious practicing time control.
After reading the Book of the SubGenius, a giddying amount of Slack straight from “Bob” seemed to flow from my fingertips. My life finally had the importance which I had always programmed myself to ignore as some kind of delusion! Ah, but as I pulled the wool over my own eyes, rather than over the eyes of others, I saw, I mean really saw, for the first time in probably at least FIFTEEN lifetimes.
But the seriousness, the grave consequences, had not yet occurred to me. Even now, I’m writing this at extreme danger to my own personal well-being. Under the influence of way too much Slack, I told a Pink about my life-changing experience with “Bob.” BIG MISTAKE! I can’t pretend to know how the Conspiracy works, but I will tell you it works FAST. Pinks who had no way of knowing I had ever uttered the name of “Bob” were hitting me with thinly-veiled anti-SubGenius messages from every direction. These Pinks smelled the emanations of Slack and wanted it all for themselves. Oh, the shit Pinks say when they think they can get a little slack off you.
“Oh, you’re joining a church?”
“Yeah, I’ve listened to DEVO before, too.”
“Aren’t you taking this joke a little seriously?”
“Don’t lose your journalistic OBJECTIVITY to this religion!”
Thank “Bob,” I have been ARMED TO THE TEETH with weapons to fight the Conspiracy, and I knew these attempts to drain away my Slack would come sometime. However, it was shocking how quickly and efficiently the Con caught on to me. It is a testament to how hungry Pinkboys are for Slack.
Now, I will admit that I probably wouldn’t know about the SubGenius Church if it wasn’t for Reverend Magdalen, but the Con has worked up all sorts of strange ideas about her brainwashing me with sex. Some have even said I’m in love with her, or that she’s my muse! Well, as preposterous and PINK as these theories are, I will admit that any SubGenius is naturally going to be infinitely more lovable and overflow with more creativity than any Pink. But holy hell! Have you read how Magdalen fought tooth and nail to protect her family, as the entire might of the Conspiracy tried and failed to beat all the Slack and SubGenius out of her!? Obviously, these Pinks are projecting their own deeply suppressed feelings for Magdalen onto myself, but hey, Pinks will do that. And anyway, I guess I can’t really blame them.
“Hmmmm, I am worried about you Billy Goat….I could hear you breathing hard on the show, I guess you were sexting with Rev.M, and there is nothing wrong with that I suppose but sex and cults is a dangerous mix…just sayin’. I had not looked at your time in long time till last weekend and my women’s intuition told these two must be mind/cyberfucking. Yes it looks that obvious…”
Even now, the shocking power and blinding speed of the Conspiracy reveals itself, e-mailing me messages of how “obvious” my “cyberfucking” with Reverend Magdalen has become. And before I even published the “refutation!”
The Slack generated just by writing this will probably draw the Conspiracy Pinks even closer, if that is possible, but in the words of J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, “Give me Slack or KILL ME!”