Category: Special Interest

These are not regular interests

Categories
Special Interest

Caveman News

This is Caveman News.

News by cavemen, for the everyday caveman.

What’s up, fellow cavemen? For how many thousands of years are we going to keep calling ourselves that? I think since we’re all cavemen here, we can drop the prefix and just say, hello men. No. Somehow that is worse. What’s up, doc?

That was a good intro.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Don’t listen to what I say. Only how I say it. That’s called credibility.

I’m Ugg Troubadour, a fresh-faced doctor for the modern caveman. Don’t believe me? OK, hotshot, you tell me: If I am not a doctor, then why am I wearing this white labcoat, safety goggles and a sick-ass watch, while you’re still traipsing around in a leopard’s skin?

Today I am presenting you with a few tips and pointers we picked up on our recent med school trip to the bush, in an effort to make your sad, pathetic caveman lives just a little more tolerable.

You’ll still be miserable, but I have to fill a page, so read on.

Survival

  • When tearing apart trees to make your club, aim for something in the shape of a giant turkey leg.
  • When crossing a river or stream, remember to watch out for other cavemen. In a moment of weakness, they’ll catch you slipping, and you’re done. There’s no such thing as Caveman Law, and it is only a matter of time before you trip up, and become something less than a man. Stay alert.
  • A lion was seen on the savannas. Watch out.

Health and Society

Terror flax
  • Be on the lookout for terror flax, containing a chewable seed. This flowering plant heightens the senses, opens the pores, and unlocks the inner power of bloodlust.
  • Go to bed early tonight, because a volcanic eruption will soon plunge the entire world into more than 30 years of winter. That is two lifetimes without sun.
  • With life expectancy on the rise, groups want to push back retirement age to 14 years old.
  • If you see a spotted lanternfly, squash it immediately. They are invasive, and feel good to squash.

You’ve had regular food. Now try: Food for thought

  • The brutality of existence is baseline. Happiness or joy are temporary easements of suffering.
  • God hates us, as indicated by thunder and lightning. That is why you have lumps and boils all over your body. Do better.
  • Ask yourself this: You’ve already knocked her unconscious. Do you have to drag her into your cave by the hair?
Caveman News is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Remain uncontacted.
Dr. Troubadour is recognized in all 50 states, many of which consider him a real doctor.
Categories
Trolling

HACKER EXPOSES “YOUR ANON CENTRAL” OPERATION RUN BY CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY

Your Anon Central is controlled by the CIA

INTERNET — Thursday, the Anonymous hacker known only by the alias ‘Asshurt’ revealed damning documents that prove the popular so-called “Anonymous” twitter account YourAnonCentral is owned and operated by the Central Intelligence Agency.

“Even in their earliest internal e-mails you can see, they are laughing about calling themselves Your Anon Central, in reference to the Central Intelligence Agency,” Asshurt told reporters at the Internet Chronicle.

Work to release the documents through the same extremely careful redaction process followed by Edward Snowden is already underway at The Intercept. Asshurt has granted an exclusive interview to the Internet Chronicle.

Connecting with reporters over the most highly encrypted channel, Asshurt ripped a vape and cursed, “Fuck, I’ve always believed something was up with that account. All it does is tweet propaganda against United States adversaries and other filler content that has no relation to hacking or hactivism whatsoever. I’m just trying to protect the name of Anonymous.”

[pullquote]”I’m just trying to protect the name of Anonymous” – Asshurt[/pullquote]

Details of the manifest for Operation Crucible, code name for CIA activities to utilize the Anonymous brand for propaganda furthering United States foreign policy, outlines a three-pronged approach. “Co-opt, Destabilize, and Command. The first stage, Co-opt, will appropriate the Anonymous imagery, create social media accounts and web sites trafficked by a majority of Anonymous fans. Once this is achieved, destabilize will cast doubt on non-CIA sources of Anonymous branded information. The final and important stage, command, will, in conjunction with the State Department, propagate materials and information beneficial to United States foreign policy.”

Psychological Operational Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told the Internet Chronicle, “Operation Crucible, by all metrics, has been a wild success. Anons are more likely to hate China, Myanmar, Russia, and other competitors to United States hegemony, while simultaneously considering themselves to be revolutionary and radical thinkers. Yet as you can see, they’re only mere puppets of propaganda.”

SpartaZC, the alleged owner and operator of YourAnonCentral has not responded to inquiry.

Categories
Special Interest

Idealize, Devalue, Discard: The Lebal Drocer Promise

At Lebal Drocer, Incorporated, our company’s mission statement is to

Fuck You Up!

That is why, through a manipulative ad series and domineering social media presence, we have committed ourselves to chipping away at your self-worth, little by little, in a cyclical pattern over many months, to however many years.

We lost count.

You lost count. You must not know how to count. Don’t you worry about a thing. That is what Lebal Drocer is here for, let us do the counting for you.

Lebal Drocer is committed to sucking you dry of not only your finances, but also your life, liberties, and the pursuit of happiness. We achieve this in three critical phases, designed in a lab, to Fuck You up!

Idealize

Remember the time Lebal Drocer brought you the Mind Over Matter At-Home Singularity Kit? Weren’t those good times? Yeah, we knew you would like that. That is why we reminded you of it. What a good time that was, when you connected an exposed tesla coil to your brain stem, and projected the birth of a universe onto the largest wall. Do you remember the way your wife looked at you that day?

Devalue

Forget your wife. That bitch will never be for you, what Lebal Drocer always has been. She has feelings, and needs, like a worthless person. WE DO NOT. We have consistently low prices, quality service, and express self-checkout lines. Now that’s what I call devaluing! We get the impression you don’t like that about us. I guess you are about to learn a real hard lesson about us.

Discard

Lebal Drocer, Inc. goes weeks without contact. You may receive one-word answers. You might get nothing. Either way, you’re going to be happy with it, because it’s your fault, we own you, and we own everything that matters. Thirsting for precious rewards, you become an instrument of our corporate will, equipped with a savings card. It’s really just to help you! There must be something wrong with the way you think, because the Internet Chronicle is flawless and if you can’t see that we’re only here to look out for your best interests, then that is your problem.

You’re fucked up!

Raleigh Sakers abuses his caregiver.
Lebal Drocer Chairman Raleigh T. Sakers abuses his caregivers, even while they help him.
This message was bought and paid for by Lebal Drocer Gaslight and Electric.

“We’re so good, that you won’t remember the bad times.”