INTERNET – Lebal Drocer, Inc. is proud to announce a new milestone in clickbait perfection: Last week’s death hoax, Rob Ford Dead At 46, netted a record 4 million pageviews overnight as the world flocked to confirm the truth about former Toronto mayor Rob Ford.
“We were slammin spikes last night when chronicle.su – with the aide of 4chan, our personal army – tricked the world into believing Rob Ford’s lifestyle had finally caught up with him,” kilgoar, The Internet Chronicle Managing Editor, said.
But when the public discovered mayor Ford is alive and well, they logged on to The Internet Chronicle to express disbelief and outrage.
CHRONICLE.SU ANTHROPOLOGIST AND REAL DOCTOR Dr. Angstrom H. Trustworthy weighed in on the celebrity death hoax phenomenon, explaining it as a kind of punishment laid out by trolls for the CAPITAL SIN of idolatry:
“The thing about these spikes,” Troubadele said, “is you get addicted. Addicted as fuck, even.”
Troubadong described the satisfaction Chronicle staff take from hoaxing as “an orgasmic rush of power and ego.”
Big hits, Troaddsmith said, are a euphoria that clouds his vision and leaves him with powerful headaches.
“When a hoax goes international, man, it’s like being wrapped in a warm blanket and talking to your best friend. It also makes you want to kill yourself because you work for years to create quality, wholesome content, only to find the public rushing like banshees after a piece of candy you dropped. You weaponize language like that because you want to see their celebrity worship hurt them.”
See also: Rob Ford holds numerous world records in the terror simulation game Coke Fiend 3.
The Internet Chronicle has combined forces with Hate Security by Hatesec Enterprises, a Lebal Drocer affiliate.
The new partnership’s dual purpose is to simultaneously hack your iPhone using powerful, state-of-the-art decryption techniques, and provide a propaganda mouthpiece for the ruling elite, who got that way because they have earned it.
There are doubts.
“Damn, son. Ya know you done fucked up, right?” – kilgoar
But through our efforts, We, the people will rise up against the tyranny of chronicle.su, and restore order to an otherwise verdant, and peaceful world.
It is for that reason that we preemptively name this day “Victory Day” to commemorate mankind’s erasure of everything but the myriad black memories of atrocities carried out by The Internet Chronicle. This is like, the 9/11 of chronicle.su right now. I mean, we are seizing the means of production. You know? This place.
[Pause here for a moment of silence]
Now let’s see what’s inside those phones!
*drops the mic*
chronicle.su is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, INC.
“Our teachers and family members always said this ‘internet shit’ would never amount to anything,” Mason said. “And I really have to commend them on their accurate assessments of my life choices!”
Mason said he will retire from the site later next year, at which point he hopes to find new work in 2016. Mason said he already has follow-up interviews scheduled for an entry-level waste management position pumping raw sewage from small tanks into larger ones.
“I figure I start out pumping sewage. It’s ugly work, but it pays, know what I’m saying? I do that for 10 or 15 years,” hatesec said. “And after somebody dies, I will get in line for a promotion and just hope I get it. I’ve spent enough time pumping out the Truth, and just look where that got me. Now it’s time to start pumping out something a little more honest than Chronicle barnburners: I’m talking about human waste. Baby, I’m gonna pump that shit like a throbbing cock of feces into the fat, engorged toilet-pussy of capitalism. I’m ready, but I just hope our sewers are.”
Internet Chronicle Managing Editor and staff philosopher kilgoar said he no longer plans to hide his love for fluorescent tube lighting and water cooler small talk.
“I’m looking for something in persona management,” kilgoar said. “And cubicle work – pushing papers, filing reports, and especially long, heavy eye contact at the water cooler – all that fuckin’ shit, that is the stuff of Anti-Leaders. We will take power, because we do not want it.”
Kilgoar said he is also considering work with children, pending results of a drug screening, which everyone knows should turn out just fine.
Young children, especially toddlers and daycare students, really respond to advanced rhetoric better than you might think. Parents can give love and put food on the table, but can they see why kids love my signature infantilism? Together with Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Lebal Drocer Laboratories has developed a Daddy Complex so Wow, it is designed to breach the naive and defenseless young minds of suburbanite children, enabling us to seriously fuck with their little realities before they even know what corporatism is. This is, of course, extremely profitable and already deployed across American public schools.
And finally, psychedelic troll and Internet Chronicle cyber warrior asshurtmacfags will pursue a real job in stripping.
“I’m fit, I’m athletic, and I’m just good people,” asshurt said Sunday. “I’m an old soul who is probably from like the ’70s so sexually I’m pretty free, you know. Stripping is just good woman’s work.”
It is tough being a woman in a man’s world. Women make 70% of a man’s salary and are often pushed out of jobs not by weakness of talent or lack of ambition, but the unfortunate sexual relationships that become all-too-prevalent in environments where the expectation of equality fails to exceed the expectation of some old guy’s cock, asshurt said.
“And that’s why I’ve decided to just go with the flow,” asshurt said. “You know, I can fight it, and I could go out there and try to make it work at the Chronicle, but it’s just not a safe environment for women and minorities. I mean, ‘Hate’ Radio? Come on. I’d rather be loved for my beauty than be hated for something pointless like achievements or ideas.”