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Trolling

The definitive guide to trolling the Tea Party

Trolling such hardened trolls as the Tea Party is one of the most difficult of trolls and has even been called “impossible” by some. However, Chronicle.SU has found the exploit and is gracious enough to share it with you. Some of these tactics have been adopted from Grady Warren, master troll and scam artist. Chronicle.SU has honed his method into a more subversive and powerful edge, which can certainly be polished further by the internet community at large.

Trolling Method:

  1. Begin with glittering pro American rhetoric that does nothing but praise the homeland. Use Sarah Palin’s speeches as a reference for super-effective catchphrases. Do not leave the slightest hint of sarcasm here! You must love America! Make the best possible use of American imagery.
  2. Avoid mentioning the Tea Party by name. Any attacks on the holy name of the Tea Party will be instantly deflected by deep love for the “savior” of America. Instead, attack individuals. Attack any places that Tea Party members congregate. Avoid saying questionable things about anything that falls under the sacred banner of the Tea Party.
  3. Tea Party members are largely illiterate, so video or audio is the preferable medium. Make the most creative use of any audio or video site where you think Tea Party members are likely to congregate. Radio shows like Sean Hannity are especially troll-proof, but I have heard at least one good troll get through and PWN the fuck out of Hannity. It isn’t impossible with the right plan. Open lines Friday gives the most leeway for trolling. This type of radio show absolutely loves to hear from young conservatives.
  4. Troll on the right platform! A video on LiveLeak will go a lot farther to troll Tea Party members than a video on YouTube. Anything that is used by young people is completely useless for trolling the Tea Party.
  5. The Tea Party wishes that more young people and minorities were involved in their movement. It helps their poor image as a bunch of old racists. Use your status as a young person or minority for leverage when developing your Troll. This will go a long way towards success.
  6. Keep your target audience in mind. They are old people who are afraid of everything except never ending war.
  7. Keep the heart of your troll mild and undetectable. If that is not your style, save the outlandish statements for the end. Always have the response you want in mind, and be an effective troll. Practice trolling on 4chan if you’ve never trolled before. Take notes from successful trolls. There is nothing sadder than a complete n00b desperately trying to troll the Tea Party. Don’t give up if you don’t get it right the first time. The Tea Party is the hardest troll out there.

Here is an example of the super-rare Tea Party troll as successfully carried out by the glorious Chronicle.SU.

A message to “LiveLeak”

 

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Categories
Special Interest

A personal appeal from Chronicle.SU founder Ronny Nitro

A personal appeal from Chronicle.SU founder Ronny "Wayne" Nitro

The Chronicle provides the public with the service of factual and up-to-date information that other news sources fear. Under the umbrella of Lebal Drocer, we are provided with an endless supply of capital. However, we are facing a desperate shortage of GTFO.

I’m writing this today to beg of you, please, do your part. Without more GTFO, Chronicle.SU will simply be unable to feed the internet hate-machine.

Without GTFO, we might be stuck with hours’ – or even days’ – worth of your unwanted presence, wasting bandwidth and hogging up all the truth so others can’t have any. Share the truth. GTFO.

Without GTFO, we can not be bothered to produce the counterculture propaganda you couldn’t possibly think up for yourselves. You need us, and we need you, to GTFO.

The dual nature of GTFO is the driving force of the Chronicle.SU. Without GTFO, there can be nothing out of which to GTF.

That is because there is a whole world outside. In order to fully understand and appreciate the Chronicle, you must GTFO: experience the outside world, watch FOX News, or at least shop at Kroger. Then come back to the Chronicle, and bring with you, please, your generous contribution of GTFO.

We welcome small donations as well!

This message has been brought to you by recursion, and Lebal Drocer, Inc.

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Categories
Special Interest

This town sucks and everyone is lame except for me and my friends

You know, this would be a great place to live if it wasn’t for all the people. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a few good friends who make living in this shitty town okay. They are really exceptional at drinking, smoking, and playing video games. I don’t know what I’d do without them. It’s too bad that me and my small group of friends are the ONLY cool people around. It’s all that keeps me from committing suicide.

There’s literally nothing happening except for lame events with lame people. I need to get out of this town and forget that it ever existed. Sometimes it seems like everyone who lives here has a mental problem. There’s something in the water.  Not only that, but all the girls here are so fat! This must be the fattest town in the world. I could move anywhere in the world and the women, no matter how ugly, would invariably be more fit for intercourse. The handful of girls attractive enough for sex are all married. Fuck this town, it is the reason I can’t get laid!

I go on Facebook all the time to tell everyone how much this place sucks. I hope all my friends on Facebook will move with me somewhere exciting like Miami or Hollywood. That’s where it’s at. Something’s always happening there, I know it.

You know, I’m sure that my art career will take off as soon as I go somewhere else. This small town is stifling my creativity. It is as if a cloud of fear hovers above the valley, smothering all the life out of it. My band, also, is not doing that well because of this town. No one here appreciates music or art at all, and if they do, they’re not willing to throw money at me for being so great. If it wasn’t for this damn town, I’d already be rich and famous!

One day I’m going to pack up, leave this town, and forget it ever existed. I will be the most famous person to ever come from this shit-town. I’m so much better than this town, and it’s all the other people’s fault that my life sucks!