axisflip
record scratch. freeze frame.
record scratch. freeze frame.

Soooo, yeah. I bet right now you’re probably wondering how I got here, huh?

VHS footage rewinds through an entire, shitty puppet act, and

I’m staring, like a stoop, at someone who should not exist, an adult who plays with dolls, in front of me, for money.

Mom and Dad fight a lot. I escape into videogames and youtube videos – changing by the minute – on a 6th-generation iPad handed down to me from Aunt Judy. A single iPad does little to muffle the gut-wrenching snarles of hatred coming up through the floor, but it does minimize their impact on my sensitive brain.

For some reason, though, Mom and Dad are pissed off that I’m on it all the time. Over the weekend, Dad entered my room without knocking. I expected him to kneel down at my eye level, comfort me, and maybe even let me know they are not getting a divorce. Instead of comforting me, Dad took away my videogames and explained they have decided to enrich my life by taking me down to the community theater, where a balding man in suspenders would introduce me and a pack of Latch-Key kids to a miniature stage and his troupe of ancient puppets. Was this some kind of sick joke?

Let me tell you, folks. This shit is real.

So out comes the puppet act. I’m sitting here watching some Gallagher-looking burnout, and he’s dancing his little puppets around – marionettes, he calls them – and you can tell he’s been doing it a long time, since before I was born, because these little wooden bastards are creepy looking. But they are not supposed to be. He never once acknowledges it. Also, he never tells any jokes, or does anything remotely entertaining, whatsoever. At no time do I enjoy this. Still, he just keeps going.

I can even see his shoulders. The guy is right there, behind the stage! I give Dad a sidelong glare, and he looks back at me, nodding, as if to say, “Son, this is from before iPads and shit.”

So I figure ‘whatever.’ I’m giving this lanky beatnik the benefit of the doubt. I mean, this guy has committed his entire life to this material, so it must be some entertaining shit, right? Wrong! This guy’s puppet material is the least relatable thing I’ve seen since Dad introduced me to Henny Youngman.

Maybe I exhibit awareness beyond my years, but I only just learned how to read, and I still need more than a three-word setup, and one-word punchline, Mr. Youngman.

Anyway, back to the puppets: Do you realize how desensitized I am? OK, I am five years old, and I have access to close-up, hidden camera massage parlor pornography, alone in my bedroom. You’re going to have to do better than jangling two limp puppets in front of me like a set of car keys. Oh, they have personalities! Do they? Do they, really? Which one’s the funny one? Which one is more entertaining than electric football?

Now I’m back at home. My parents’ failing marriage has once again stolen the show, and I am back on the iPad. I found a neat 8-hour unboxing video of a product that does not even exist, and is just there to edge me closer and closer to the ultimate dopamine release, which sources tell me is right around the corner.

Watch:

This is the Waiting for Godot of unboxing videos. Surely the dopamine will hit soon.

Published by hatesec

I am the hatest

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17 Comments

  1. ‘The ATM is now a crime scene,’ said the guy who’s life is now a NYC grime scene.
    https://www.reddit.com/r/2020PoliceBrutality/comments/i7hocr/an_important_message_from_the_seattle_police

    Btw, who tf didn’t have shitty childhood in the 60s, 70s, & especially the crack & aid$ babbiess of the 80s.
    One generation saw hundreds, of thousands of fake murders on tv & the next generations were babby sat by computers. Steady diet of liveleaks & pedobears.

  2. Ps- Don’t have a Happy Birthday. You’re a decade older now Mr. 1984. Welcome to your first of many middle age life crises, bless.

  3. I’ll just leave this here
    https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2020/08/hacker-group-anonymous-returns/615058/

    ‘The video was watermarked, which is uncharacteristic for Anonymous. The mark is blurred out in copies, but appears in the original post in white font: “anonews.co.” That URL led me to a news-aggregation site, which brought me to the site’s Facebook page, where the first iteration of the video had been posted on May 28. A British company called Midialab Ltd (READ CIA venture capital start up). controlled the page. I wrote to the email listed on the page, and the company’s owner replied the same day. This person requested anonymity but was willing to put me in touch with the creator of the video.

    I suspected I was chasing the tail of some Russian troll farm whose business it was to promote radical division of all stripes. The first place to report on the video, on May 29, had been RT, the state-owned Russian media outlet. And the millions of new followers flocking to Anonymous Twitter accounts? As the accounts themselves pointed out, many were bots.’

    So we’res the mugs at?!?
    Oh my god shades of 2011 with jackel, YAN & pressstorm. I guess anonyfag history gets recycled too by all teh feds.

  4. Lelz between qnonfags, the gestapo kidnapping ICE agents AND the larping Nazistards in Portland. YES my countrymen are laughing at yours BUT now with the conservatives just electing another populace REICH winger to head that party we may not be laughing too much longer. And Heather Darth, El Capo of the try hardship, YAC, twitter Death Star … bitch that shit sailed long ago …. 🎵the love boat🎵

  5. ‘Soon it will be over. In other news, I read that mattresses and shit were piled in front of a Portland pig association building’s front door, and set ablaze’
    That’s a IRL recipe for piggies in blanket, soul food, my niggas.

  6. QAnonPizzagateopDeathEatersSayTheirNamesAntifaFacistsDemsRepubsClassWarRaceWarWorldWarCOVID-19KKKillerCopz

    1. Listen! Tomorrow night we are doing Hate Radio. Special guest: 420chan founder Kirtaner joins us for an in-depth interview on an all-new episode of RADIO HATE, happening LIVE tomorrow after midnight. http://twitch.tv/hatesec listen or get FUCKED

      BUT WILL THERE BE MUSIC!?!

  7. #EndSARS: Anonymous hacks police database, dumps officers’ records online
    The hackers have exposed personal information of police officers, including phone number, post location and bank records.
    https://peoplesgazette.com/endsars-anonymous-hacks-police-database-dumps-officers-records-online/

    Hundreds of Nigerian police officers have had their identities and bank accounts compromised as a result of the attack

    Anonymous said on Twitter late Wednesday that it targeted the police web infrastructure in ‘Operation Nigeria’, which came barely five days after it issued a warning to President Muhammadu Buhari to heed the demands of the protesters as the world is watching.

    #BlackNBlueLeaks

  8. $hiiiite ya haven’t written anything since the summer, does this mean you’re gettin’ laid again? If so, than ya don’t bother, it will suck obviously cock$. You only write anything decent when foreveralone & miserable. Js.

  9. ‘Facebook Developer’
    ^^DIAF
    actually it could be way worse, y’all could work 4 either twitter or buzzfeed

  10. ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (& Creepy Uncle Sleepy’ Joe Biden)

    ‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House
    (of Representatives),
    Not a creature (Nancy Pelosi) was stirring, not even a mouse (Amy Coney Barrett);
    The stockings were hung by the chimney with care (capitalism fortified & boarded up), In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there (National Guard on standby);

    Cheers bud (-;

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