INTERNET — The hacking collective Anonymous announced Friday that a crack team of hackers turned crypto trillionares known as Rustle League have put up a billion dollar bitcoin bounty for the assassination of Vladimir Putin.
A statement from the hacking collective said, “Putin will be dead within the week and the assassin will be an instant billionaire.”
“Finally, this is the crypto revolution,” the Anonymous spokesperson known only as ‘Asshurt’ told reporters. “This is what everyone has been investing in, all this time. Now with the power of crypto, the internet hivemind has the power to arrange for the assassination of anyone who is deemed to be too dangerous to humanity. Barrett Brown is just begging for us to use this baby on Peter Thiel, and maybe we will. It could be funny.”
Rustle League gained hold of billions of dollars in bitcoin after hacking a few million dollars from the super bowl and parlaying their gains into GPUs, diesel generators, and a chemical lab to process grease scavenged from the sewers of major cities into biodiesel.
Investigators tracked down the parent company, Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, and contacted the CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers. Sakers informed reporters that Asshurt was speaking in an official capacity for Lebal Drocer, and threatened to “tear the planet to pieces.”
Asshurt explained that Lebal Drocer spent nearly 300 billion perpetuating the so-called Corona Hoax, which fact checkers still assure is a real virus. “Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals is the most successful business in history, thanks to the pandemic. Elon Musk is nothing. A shitposting loser.”
Asshurt spoke about future business plans for the Lebal Drocer Crypto Mines aboard her personal superyacht, Seeker 2.0. “Going forward, we’ll begin harvesting methane out of sewers to expand our energy base. The new world is being built out of the foul smell of the last. I could get on my high horse and tell you we’re a green company and that we’re helping out, but you and I both know that’s just a sales tactic. We’re here to make real money, big money, and we’re not afraid to assassinate to do it. That’s just the grim reality of corporate warfare in this day and age. And right now, Vladimir Putin is in our way.”