INTERNET — Jesse and Alyssa call Chris L a “psychopath” and accuse him of deploying military-grade psyops to destroy their lifestyle homesteading YouTube channel, Pure Living For Life. The Internet Chronicle visited Chris L at his datacenter in Vancouver.
An elderly version of Tyler Durden, Chris L is a nondescript man dressed in a shambles of an 80’s era office outfit with a comb over and large sunglasses, which he never removes. Internet Chronicle Reporters were unable to conduct a traditional interview, as Chris L muttered only to himself in voices which changed each time he switched to the next computer.
Chris L operates “Project Mayhem,” a stochastic terrorism cell centered at his datacenter in Vancouver, which so far has focused its attentions against Pure Living For Life and Sailing Vessel Seeker. Literature spread around the datacenter outlined the overall aim of the organization is to undermine false marketing practices. “Channels like Pure Living for Life and Sailing Vessel Seeker are passing absolutely foolish behavior off as great wisdom and learning,” read one of the flyers.
“I’m recruiting people,” Chris says sweetly, in the voice of a woman, “Look how naive I am. We all just got banned from the comments on the YouTubes for trying to be helpful, just like you did.”
Then, hopping onto the next computer, the woman’s voice slowly twists itself into a mad redneck, as he constructs strikingly accurate CGI models of Jesse and Alyssa. “Bitch! Jerky! I’ll drive your little yuppie hot tub coffee lifestyle out of my god damn neck of the woods! I’m a real homesteader, do you hear that?”
Meanwhile, Jesse is standing guard over the road in front of his house, a camera system recording everyone who drives by. Jesse interrogates those who drive too slowly and alerts police when vehicles look a little too old and rusty.
Weather has brought particles of tyvek, insulation foam, and oriented strand to the end of the driveway, where Jesse stands tall, an assault rifle at the ready.
“I’ve heard he never sleeps,” Jesse says, himself having been on guard duty throughout the night. “My shift is almost over, and I’m tired as hell. This is what Chris L has done to me. He has the whole internet after us.”
When big things are happening, such as the posting of a new YouTube video of interest, Chris L brings in gig economy workers off of websites like Fiver and Facebook Marketplace to increase the effectiveness of his campaigns. According to paperwork obtained by the Internet Chronicle, the datacenter was most likely the very same CIA black site which was used to create the Arab Spring, and formerly accommodated as many as a thousand workers. Now, at least a third of the dated computers appear inoperable. Chris L maintains the Windows XP machines one at a time, taking on a soft and gentle voice as he does maintenance routines in the off peak hours.
Alyssa sits at her computer inside a bomb-proof panic room that the couple installed secretly, after taking their channel off of YouTube. She has a hard drive with seven terabytes of information leading back to Chris L including high definition footage of every vehicle to ever drive past their driveway. She has circled every footprint Chris L has ever left, such as the use of the word “grifter,” very uncommon language that only such a depraved lunatic would deploy. She rips hard on her vape, “It’s nicotine. I know it’s not healthy but this is what Chris has done to us. I have to have something to rely on.” Alyssa pauses and thinks for a moment.
“You’re going to print whatever you want to so whatever. Yeah, I know this is all my fault, what I said about playing at homesteading,” Alyssa sighs with regret. “It was just one little thing, hit the wrong note, and it cost us the channel. Now we’re shit out on building hot tubs and foam houses, and I’m trying to gin up some kind of conspiracy game, based off of the QAnon phenomenon. Jesse just likes to march around with his gun outside and I’m in here doing all the content again. I told him this isn’t going to work, it’ll all just gonna blow up worse than ever before. So now we’re feeding the trolls and “that’s the point,” he says. So fuck that Amy’s Baking Company bitch. I’m going to be twice as cringe as her by the time this shit is over. That good enough for your little story? I’m sick of the god damn internet.”