INTERNET — Wednesday, Internet Chronicle Editor-In-Chief Raleigh Theodore Sakers received a distressed phone call from Matthew Prince, CEO of CloudFlare, telling all about his lifelong passion for internet trolling.
[Disclosure: The Internet Chronicle is hosted on CloudFlare, and Internet Chronicle writer Jaime Cochran was also a paid troll and hacker for CloudFlare]
Matthew Prince, his distorted voice issuing out of a speakerphone, revealed to the stunned Internet Chronicle newsroom that he loves to troll people on the internet, “It’s shock humor, guys. You get me, right? Chaos! I’m always posting on KiwiFarms because that’s where the Internet’s elite trolls are always hanging out. It is real hotbed for new memes and the latest jokes, which later spread over to Reddit, and then Facebook. Shoutout to Catgod!”
Prince confessed that his connections with trolling culture run deep, “Yeah I love to troll, that’s why I hired Asshurt and got weev the hookup for his Daily Stormer crap. It’s happening all over again.”
Prince rambled on for hours, telling tall tales about his time as the president of the GNAA, a famous trolling group. Once back to the topic of KiwiFarms, Prince sighed, “Josh is causing me a lot of trouble right now and I’m trying to get him to chill out and start pruning some of the more hateful threads. He doesn’t think he can draw the line anywhere, but he can. He can. This is just business, man. Big business, with real money involved. We’re talking millions, even billions.”
Prince nodded sagely, “Lolcows are the future of entertainment, people who are ‘milked’ by trolls. We might call them up, talk to them in a chat, wind them up, and post the recordings and screenshots, the ‘milk’, to my favorite web site, KiwiFarms! This is not harassment or stalking, it’s just information, man! I call these the three principles of free speech: speech, information, and discussion. They talk, we record the information, and then we discuss it. That’s our freedom.”
Several KiwiFarms victims in the Internet Chronicle offices scoffed loudly at Prince’s proposal for a reformed forum. One of the thousands of transexuals whose “information” has been “documented” by the forums remarked, “What are they going to do, create another Oh Internet, but this time with dickgirls and femboys? These drama sites are cringe, man. Cringe af. We gotta do somethin’ about them. Maybe write a death hoax or somethin’.”
“Fuck yeah,” Dr. Troubador said, snapping his finger with a hot new idea. “That would be wild, man! Breaking: Josh Moon dead at 28. Fans and haters mourn the loss of a titan in the silicon valley industry, a man who reinvented the social network from the inside out and changed the world for the better, by spreading the freedom not just of speech, but even better, the freedom to legally silence others. Wow! You getting this, guys?”
Kilgoar and Hatesec immediately began typing this obituary out in their private, secure Lebal Drocer installation of etherpad, the free and open-source alternative to Google Docs. In the distance, Matthew Prince could be heard reminiscing on the speakerphone about his many incredible prank phone calls, in which he spent whole days berating “lolcows” until they slipped up and said something funny. “I talked to Chris Chan for over a month and posted everything to KiwiFarms. Meanwhile, Cloudflare was making me billions. That’s just my life. So hey, when you print this just make me cool, like McAfee. I’m thinking of running for president.”
2 replies on “Cloudflare CEO Matthew Prince Praises KiwiFarms for its “epic trolling””
This man is just trying to set the record straight and I think we should give him a chance. These Cyber netizens, be they Martin Prince, Josh Moon, Weeb, Jaime Corne, Sabu, all were nothing more than kids on the cutting edge having fun. How much more further must society needs punish them?
Well if those kiwi farmers are looking for a new lolzcow/lulzcow, @LibbyInPhilly on Twitter (Libby Shaw) is free and she will also provide nudes for free too. And Kiwis come hit me up at either my Twitter accounts at @nrauhauser or @AmericanHacker, I have lots of employment opportunities for you kiwifarms farmers.