INTERNET — Wednesday, economists noticed that all of the world’s debt is held by a group of less than one hundred people who all hate each other and are bickering with each other like some despicable and dysfunctional high school class. Kim Jong Un leads the Eurasian faction, while Elon Musk is by far the most popular of all posters.
Tuesday, Anonymous hackers leaked telegram chats unveiling the painfully boring beefs of the most wealthy people on earth. Petty, pointless antagonisms. “I own the global discourse,” Elon Musk is seen saying, on the encrypted communications, “And thus I control the future.” Muhammed Bin Salman was seen writing, “I did Khashoggi over Counterstrike. I don’t care what he wrote, it was the auto that did it.”
“This is where I have to finally sit back and say, it’s true, here we are in clown world. This is some fucking dumb ass anime stuff. It has to be fake, but look at the numbers,” Dr. Troubador sighed, “It used to be foolish to think a few people controlled everything, but the money doesn’t lie, does it? What more proof do we need? They’re just rubbing it in our faces now. As if they don’t also control Anonymous.”
“If you have any debt at all, it goes to one of these golden hundred. If you buy anything, anywhere, 90% of the profits go to them. Economically speaking,” Troubador seethed, “this is of course retarded. Money basically means nothing anymore, and you just throw it around like a joke. Also, somehow, no one can afford the basics of anything. What has the world come to?”
Thousands of scientists have officially declared Clown World to be accurate, based on their readings. Computer Science professor Crungus H. Foreman believes things could return to normal only if these people are all suddenly taxed according to an ever adapting algorithm of his design. “I’ve based it off of Google’s new visibility. Basically, you get your time in the sun but after a few years it just nerfs you back to nothing, all while balancing the overall economy perfectly, ending boom and bust cycles forever.”
However, Dr. Troubador believes it is far too late. “The numbers were bad enough, but now that I’ve read this shit from Anonymous? On the inside, they’re just nuke baiting all the time, it’s the bread and butter of their squabbling. We may be lucky to live to see the completely unpredictable consequences of all that carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.”
Internet Chronicle officially denounces the idea of Clown World