Sup dudes! After this year’s underwhelming 9/11 memorial (Presidents crying in a field), the kind men in charge of Internet Chronicle asked me to write this short, easy-to-understand 9/11 remembrance for dummies. Spice up your next 9/11 with a television-based diamond-encrusted, double platinum freakout, using my simple tips. Forged in a furnace of Internet Memes, the next 9/11 memorial will be even more Never Forgetty than the last.
[Editor’s Note – shop talk edition: The entertainment braintrust at Lebal Drocer reflected and realized: We simply don’t take enough time here at the Chronicle to remember 9/11, which makes us hypocrites after swearing we’d Never Forget. This is strictly unforgivable.]
Today we are Anonymous: We do not forget. We do not forgive.
9/11 — Never Forgive
In the course of remembrance, you might experience mystic events. This feeling of intense nationalism produces a sudden euphoria. This is not normal. This means you are a chosen patriot made up of pure, impulses. Take the world from darkness into light with Dr. Troubadour’s tips for a healthy 9/11 memorial.
walking through body scanners doses you with gene altering radiation and fights terror! Freedom isn’t free. We once nuked the land of our enemies. Now we irradiate our own people with machines.
Dr. T says
If you want to wage a war on terror, you’ll have to fight a few battles with cancer.
Act like you don’t know what 9/11 is. This will endear you to your fellow citizens. Ask sincerely what 9/11 means. You’ve never heard of it.
Never forget. If you’re a real patriot, like us here at Chronicle, 9/11 is every day. September 11th is every fucking day. I wake up and say a prayer to the victims. And there’s certain stuff I won’t laugh at before 10 a.m. Just because today isn’t 9/11 – it’s not even September – doesn’t mean our hearts don’t go out to the victims of that terrible tragedy. It would be absurd to think otherwise.
Just the thought of it sends me into frenzies wherein I foam at the mouth and curse whatever God cast the dice of our very existence. Maybe I’m taking it too far. That’s just what 9/11 means to me.
This article is part 1 in an October series entitled Why Now? An Internet Chronicle introspective series in which we undermine and discredit sacred things for no purpose at all. Just shitting on you and stuff.