INTERNET—Everything there is to know about Ethan Klein’s pedophile history is available NOW on reddit dot com, users reckon. It is written in parodical self-confession form, where the author speaks in a manner of heightened grotesque, playing a pervert, letch, or master killer, always leaving ambiguous where they’ve crossed the line for real. That author’s name? Ethan Klein himself. It was a style of comedy very popular in the 00s. By the 10s Klein stood fearlessly alone, on reddit dot org, carrying the torch of that. He is the pedo_troll. It’s him.
Keen investigators however were keen to report that Klein’s salacious boy-love fantasia can be corroborated with actual incidents and documented facts. A revelation that now damns Klein to the sticking point. Is Ethan Klein the mask, and pedo_troll the true flesh beneath? None dread this certainty more than internet’s youngest and dimmest- drawn to “safe” Klein for his teddy bear clothing brand, childlike performance persona, aesthetic, and wife.
“I’ve been putting the H3 podcast on for my daughter’s nap time this whole time without even realising,” opined single mother Jamie Jo Corne, “to be honest I’ve never really been that much of an H3 fan, his shit’s been stale for a long time. That invert the spoon video was funny but that’s so long ago I don’t even remember the proper title. He was catching some heat with the whole idubbbz drama but he lost me when he started suing those fart fetish girls. Anyway I just started leaving the H3cast on for the baby and now she cries if I don’t play it. She gets bored of old episodes so I have to keep up with this freak. On top of it all I learn about this pedo_troll shit? Yuck. No thank you.”
Chronicle reached out to Klein directly but got blown off nasty style: “why aren’t you people going after Destiny! Steven Bonnell the second? Come on you guys, he said he has 60GB of see-sam on his disk drive, ready to go! I’m telling you, you’re going after the wrong guy, he’s the bigger pedo. I mean- wait- hold on- don’t print that. I mean, if I were to look at this whole reddit pedo troll thing and compare it to this guy, who is in frequent contact with minors, blackmailing them with revenge porn, and then planning on stream to flee to Israel, you’re seriously going to suggest I’m the one that needs the exposé? For trolling?! You’re the one that’s sick in the head, pal, not me! Sounds like you’re freakin obsessed! What is this rag anyway, chronicle sue? Hey that’s ironic, cos guess what’s next for you guys!”
After a terse exchange of words Klein put Internet Chronicle in touch with the head of his legal team, Vile Sloggvorbis, who informs us he now sleeps with a bottle of brandy at his bedside and a pump action 590. “Just try me if you think I’m bullshitting!”