Extremely Serious Message to Anonymous

Kilgore Trout, accidental leader of Anonymous, tells the collective that trolling is the best approximation of truth available to internet users.

For the past year, Anonymous has treated me like a rambling lunatic. It’s understandable because they’ve totally lost their sense of humor and I write for a comedy web site which constantly pokes fun at them. They think, “Oh he’s just another anti-Anonymous troll,” but any loyal readers here know I get kicks out of being pretty much anti-anything.

By Anonymous, I have been called a troll, a butthurt namefag, or even a fed. By others, I am attacked for being a member of Anonymous. Andrew Breitbart chastised me for my “menacing” Anonymous persona. The Jester doxed me and then a supporter of his took down this web site with a malicious DDoS attack all on the ridiculous pretext that I’m some kind of an Anon.

I’m not on any side, but as soon as I open my mouth, I am invariably pigeonholed as either a malicious hacker or a crazed anti-Anonymous conservative republican, and that’s fucking stupid.

Really, I am just some guy at a keyboard doing my best to make sure the keystrokes make it to your monitor. For once, I have an Extremely Serious Message to Anonymous.

“Ignore the trolls” is possibly the worst advice ever. It’s tantamount to saying ignore anything upsetting. For a group so obsessed with truth, Anonymous is wearing some pretty massive blinders. Don’t ignore people with criticism, and don’t ignore the way the media portrays you. An Anon who pays attention to only the citizen media pro-Anonymous circle-jerk is just as misinformed and disinformed as any Tea Party Fox News Rush Limbaugh Dittohead!

Right now, you might think I’m joking. You might think I’m trolling. “Oh that Kilgoar, we’ve known he’s a troll all along.” NO! I mean this, and I mean it so hard I hope it shatters your fucking skull!

I’m dead fucking serious.

This article isn’t about “I told you so,” or even “Look at me, look how smart I am!” I’m not going to tell you how wrong Barrett Brown was, or laugh about how he has to rewrite his whole book. Yes, I did my best to subtly sow mistrust of Sabu from the very moment Topiary went down. Yes, I called Sabu an agent provocateur when the Stratfor hack went down. Yes, I warned everyone that Presstorm was stupid and shouldn’t be trusted. Each and every time Anonymous cried out loudly in response, “Troll!”

THAT’S what this is about. I just want you, Anonymous, to learn to pay attention to trolls. You want to know the truth, right?


If you want as close of an approximation of the TRUTH as ANYONE can get, computer hacking ISN’T the answer. At least 99.9% of evil corruption takes place without the use of e-mails!

“Believe everything, but don’t believe just anything.”

This is the secret to approximating truth, compartmentalized into a single sentence and lacking all the really cool poststructural/postmodern theories about the nature of meaning and some other junk.

You might say, “Approximate the truth? What do you mean ‘approximate?’ This is Anonymous, and we’re going to unveil that bitch once and for all!”

Foolish! Ridiculous! Absurd! NAIVE!

Does this make you ANGRY?? Does it sound like some mystical bullshit?? Am I still trolling you??

For those of you who aren’t convinced how DEADLY SERIOUS I am and think this is all a sick joke, well don’t go reading any quantum physics, or you might get a brain aneurysm. For the rest of you out there, I really hope you have second thoughts the next time you DISMISS SOMEONE WITHOUT THOUGHT, JUST BECAUSE WHAT THEY SAY UPSETS YOUR PRECIOUS FRAGILE CULT-LIKE DYSTOPIAN ANARCHIC TECHNOFETISHISTIC WORLDVIEW.

This mind rape brought to you by the guy who’s been right about all the shitty leaders in Anonymous who don’t even exist, but are working with the FBI anyway to entrap as many of you cultist dupes as possible. Also mad ups to the Hydra, which grows new heads all the time but was nonetheless slain valiantly by Hercules as a part of his 12-step program. Also ideas: You can’t arrest them.


23 replies on “Extremely Serious Message to Anonymous”

Typical right wing nut job, crazed anti-Anonymous, hacker, occupy, commie, pinko, tea party, troll drivel!

This retard was obviously a ‘friend’ of sABU. PLEASE GO FILL OUT THE CHRONICLE’S BUTTHURT FORM!

You know the spook appreciates ya and haz both mad love and hate for you fishfag. The intrawebz need moar ppl like you and James (hatefiend).

You did fine job motherfucker! You’re a modern anti-everything but fishfag your truly modern day renaissance man. Okay asshole back to our regularly scheduled m4yh3m

The only real mistake we make is the one from which we learn nothing.
-John Powell

*a modern

And where the fuck is this mobile site for the that you been promising,
I am a blind old lady, so I can’t see fuck all to begin with!

March 11, 2012 at 5:20 AM · Reply
oh hai jester! i see you think you an ub3r h4ck3r. i wil put that to an end while i leave in in the t0x1c trap! you caught my eye because you think you are a genius. well i guess its time you learn your place, i will devote my time alone when my wife sleeps to construct a plan so elegant and DESTRUCTIVE you shall learn the meaning of “FUCK WITH THE BEST DIE LIKE THE REST” i am done with hex as of now ive gotten a lil kick in thar, but now i haz some new fagz to getz! jester you sir are my first target as i have doxed you and i am planning some fun for you tommorow(; 3/11/12 if you keep talking shit after you receive your punishment i will not stop and i will be relentless, i will destroy your life like i did to richard and i will have you begging for mercy! so after you are owned tommorow admit it and move on because you dont want to have the same fate as richard who beg me for mercy, well as i promised heres your dox
      Ryan, Thomas  [email protected]
      Provide Security, Inc.
      86 Amber St
      Staten Island, New York 10306-2022
      United States
remember anons and brothers, get trusted TRUST NO ONE. dont trust me or anyother hacker if you want to stay anonymous or you WILL end up like lulzsec

Ahahahahaha he was just running his mouth all over twitter tonight. Looks good on that stupid fuck. Hope the terrorist come and get his ass #JhadiMOTHERFUCKER$

why are you even bothering to read this? you don’t “get” it ……it seems obnoxious to you …you think it’s stupid…because, although we understand how you think ALL TOO WELL,you can’t for the life of you understand how we think. WHAT DOES THIS TELL YOU.

deer billy,
good artikel, i almost kinda read it. i liked “rambling lunatic”, but missed “sexless freak” and “chronic masturbator”.
wutzup with that “I write for a comedy web site”? link plz.
after that (we all know u dont get it) tl:dr.
why, why cant u do what other people like u do, clean tables or sell garbage.
readnrepeat: u haz no skillz @all ! …andsoonandsoonanzoon

uh, ok. 4 1 moment i thought u wuz talking about this here shit.
but thatz not funny 2. thatz not writing. unfunny comedy is no comedy, see. u r funny, but not ur writing. get urself a tie, there is a cubicle waiting, 2 give u a future and 2 end my/our suffering.
if i am 2 stupid 2 know that the things i do may have consequences, what good is the advice of a moron.

well, you’re mostly illiterate and probably no older than 16, but maybe one day you will learn the difference between objective and subjective. you might then learn that humor is of a totally subjective nature, and with any luck that might lead you to some really profound insights.

troll onwards, my friend.

hey guys…i’m in vung tau this weekend (1st and 2nd Oct) and I’m keen to see the NRL Grand Final on Sunday afternoon. I know there’s a few bars in Saigon that get Setanta cable sports channel which carries it, but not sure about Vung Tau…. does anyone have any ideas…?cheers

October 15, 2012 at 1:07 amAbout a week ago I noticed small bumps in between my big toe and 2nd toe on each foot. I just figured it was a case of Athletes foot. Now there are itchy rashes forming on the bottom of my foot. They are both located dead center of each foot and about the size of a half dollar. What do i have? Reply

‘I don’t go in for the saccharine nostalgia trip, personally. No offense intended, grieve in your own way. I will remember Jaime with some kind of a powerful hoax in her honor’

Where dat hoax at!?

and ur satrist weirdo

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