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INTERNET — As Americans struggle to pay rent and utilities with employers shutting down all non-essential businesses, would-be mass shooters in America are also struggling — to find targets, as well as a new meaning for their life.

Bobby Newmark of Hartford, Connecticut told reporters, “I’m at a loss. My whole life was leading up to shooting my school, and now classes are cancelled for the rest of the year. What the hell am I supposed to do now? I’m starting to lose my urge to go on a rampage, and instead of meticulously planning it out, I’m just sitting around playing video games. I’m loving this new Animal Crossing.”

Newmark shrugged and looked out his window as if remembering the distant pain of bullying, “I never even got my hands on a gun, but maybe once this Corona stuff blows over I’ll get back to life and start scheming again.”

But school shooters aren’t the only folks having a hard time adjusting to life under Quarantine. Radicalized militiaman Gerald MacClunky of Alabama stood in his front yard, saluting his Gadsden flag, “I was going to go out like a blaze of glory and prove that all other so-called mass shootings were created by the fake news media. My real shooting would put those fakes in stark contrast, and people would finally wake up and see that they’re just trying to institute gun control. But now that the security state has created this fake Corona Crisis, I ain’t even got a target.”

MacClunky took a long drag from his cigar and smashed it into the dirt. “They finally got us though, before I could get off my attack. Probably better I didn’t waste my life anyway. It’s Checkmate Liberty, for now.”

Even religious hardliners are having a hard time adapting to social distancing. ISIS coordinator Abu Ibn Bin Ahmed told reporters, “All of our best plans to attack sporting events have been put on hold. Even the wildcat improvised vehicular attacks are just impossible now, with no gatherings of people to run over.”

Bin Ahmed relaxed his tense grip on his Kalashnikov style rifle and rested it on the wall of his cave, “Many of our most hardened warriors are skipping out on meetings with their cell out of fear of Coronavirus. This whole Corona thing has shut us down big time. We were going to form an alliance with Al-Qaeda, do a great attack for the history books, beyond even 9/11, make the infidels fear Allah! But now? There’s just no way.”

Alfred Poynter, a radicalized MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way), is more positive than other radicalized killers, even seeing Coronavirus as the light at the end of the tunnel. “When Elliot Rodgers struck the first blow against the Chads and Stacys and sacrificed himself for our good, I knew that there was one day hope that beta males might have a fair shot at sex. I’m still positive we can achieve our mission, if we have to. But of all people, the disgusting sex thieves are most likely to congregate and spread virus.”

Poynter stared wistfully at his computer monitor, smiling as news of Corona scrolled across his screen. “Perhaps Corona will do our work for us, and I can just bide my time and wait for the Chads and Stacys to go extinct. Then, if I’m still not getting sex, I’ll go back to plotting. We’ll see how Corona shakes out, but I’m positive. I think I might finally get some sex once enough Chads die off.”

 

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4 Comments

  1. Fuck Stacy and Chad, besides one of them will probably shoot themselves clean their own gun(s) or shot each other for the lulz.

  2. Remember, Lads, Subscribe to PewDiePie. Or Die Tryin’!
    (oh wait Felix quit the interwebz, never mind, carry on)

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