WASHINGTON — Just a day after espionage charges were filed against whistleblower Edward Snowden, President Obama held a press conference to publicly issue a pardon clearing Snowden of all wrongdoing. “The NSA wasn’t just spying on folks at home,” said the President, “But they’ve been spying on me and members of congress, blackmailing us left and right.” President Obama went on to say, “I still occasionally enjoy a marijuana cigarette once in a while, and the NSA thought that would be enough to shut me up. Well, not anymore.”
Secret service agents clashed with private defense contractors at the NSA datacenter in Bluffdale, Utah. Early reports suggest 74 men were killed and hundreds injured, but the NSA is now firmly in Obama’s grips.
Snowden has refused to return to the U.S., and issued a statement from his new office at MSS headquarters in Wuhan that he would remain in exile until things had “cooled off” back home.