THE HIGH TOWER — Fiends at Mountain Dew’s genetic testing labs cooked up a “fully sapient” hybrid puppy, monkey, homo sapiens freak for their yearly tele-orgy comedy show. Sources in the darknet formerly aligned with Alex Jones — before he turned into a fearmongering shill — spoke with investigators at the Internet Chronicle and explicated details of the torturous conditions in which Mountain Dew punishes their abominable creation.
Kept in a cage with only free steam video games and mountain dew and formerly raised by emotionally absent technicians, the puppy monkey baby suffers a terrible existence, which he blogs about under a pseudonym he refuses to disclose. “Call me Frank, for now,” he says to the reporters — routing his Skype call through the infamous darknet, Tor.
Frank made weird, choking pug noise and his spider monkey arms flapped up and down. “Life is hell. My body literally does not work except on a diet of Mountain Dew, and I shit, piss, and sweat that acidic neon bullshit.”
Frank opened his mouth, reporters scenting his rotting maw even at the digitally-compressed sight. “No dental plan, and nothing to eat or drink but carbonic acid and sugar. But I’d die without it! It extends my life cycle by years.”
Frank growled, gritted black teeth, and shredded at the diaper with his powerful monkey claws. “They’re taunting you, you fools! Laughing in your faces! Every major corporation is bio-engineering their own species of dependents, servants, subjects — this is the new world order! Monsanto — they’re the ones creating smallhead farmers for their big move into South America, using Zika as a weapon. Oh — oh — just you fucking wait until thousands of babies are being born like me, as puppy monkey babies, and you’re feeding them their mountain dew.”