MOSCOW– Edward J Snowden, former NSA whistleblower and elite hacker turned traitorous Russian spy, turned coat yet again, Friday, revealing details of the Russian military’s secret plan to detonate a specialized gigaton warhead, the “giganuke,” deep within the earth’s mantle.
According to Snowden, the “Kola Well,” the deepest man-made hole, also known as the screaming hellhole drilled by Soviet scientists in the 70’s, is set to receive the gigaton warhead by August. Its detonation will shift the earth’s axis by 3 degrees, creating a favorable and mild climate in Siberia, driving economic development and tourism in the vast hinterlands of Russia. The nuclear detonation will also serve to transform the earth from a sphere into an “oblate spheroid,” driving more warm currents northwards into Russia.
The gigaton nuking of the earth’s core is only one minor front in Russia’s Special Climate Operations. According to Snowden, there is a “silver lining” to the dark specter of chemtrailing. Russian weather modification programs are reportedly using eco-friendly sanitary colloidal silver aerosols, unlike American chemtrails which rely on heavy metals as well as barium and aluminum in order to control the climate on the cheap.
Roseanne Barr, friend of the Anonymous collective and close confidant of Edward Snowden, told reporters, “When the world tips over like the Russians are planning, Siberia will become a beach resort and the rest of the world will be flooded beyond repair. I’m moving to Russia for my health first, though, and it is also the best real estate investment of my life. I can’t bear to breathe in another particle of Barium. We are Anonymous. We do not forget. We do not forgive. Expect us.”