SPRINGFIELD — National media reports have citizens worried that Haitian migrants are prowling the streets, kidnapping family pets and grilling them in voodoo rituals. Local police are yet to file any charges and have made an official statement that the story is a hoax.
However, some Americans are now emboldened to speak out about the benefits to eating pets.
“I’m cracking up at all these posts about eating cats and dogs and can’t help but think it’s some kinda propagandist play off my social media blow out about my dog skirt and eating the cat,” Rel Gumson posted to Facebook.
Gumson is a bit of a migrant herself. After suffering police brutality at Occupy and later losing her drivers license for driving while high, she decided that she’d do better living her life far from the corporate world of New York and in the rural campground of Hippie Hill, Tennessee.
Her interest in collecting, butchering, eating, and making crafts out of taboo animals goes back to one “social media blowout” post in August of 2016, when she first harvested a road-killed owl. A dead raven, groundhog, blonde squirrel, and other animals would soon all cross her facebook page, culminating in a cat-eating scandal that would throw her life and the whole backwoods hippie scene inside out.
“Eating cats is as American as apple pie, in fact more American. My granmammy makes a mean minced cat pie, and you better mind your manners cause she won’t cotton to none of your media lies,” Gemma Stuart of Newport, Tennessee told reporters, who were investigating an alleged cat farm. “We don’t play by your rules and we eat what we like. Now stop meddlin’ in my holler, this here cat farm don’t exist. And yun better keep this off the record if ya know what’s good fer ya.”